a serious query

[Nadia_H]

i am asking this for a friend of mine who is not Pakistani but comes from a Muslim family with extremely conservative parents and a conservative Muslim culture. Serious replies would be most appreciated. Something really, really horrible happened to her around the age of 10 that will - inevitably - affect her married life later on. Please absolutely understand that she was NOT, in any way whatsoever, at fault. She was raped by someone in her family. Solely from an Islamic point of view, is it her obligation to tell her soon-to-be spouse of this childhood incident? Her parents are not aware of it as she has kept it a secret from almost everyone. What should she do, from an Islamic point of view?

If she tells the potential spouse, he will almost certainly break off the marriage (unless he is terribly understanding and mature, 50/50 chance of that). If she tells him, she also has to tell her parents which she is literally terrifed to do. She doesn't know what the repercussions of that will be, she told me she doesn't believe her parents will believe her.

She's 21 now, this occurred when she was about 10.

[armughal]

better not to reveal it now....
she shud have done so long back....
and if she has kept quiet all this time, its better she keeps quiet for the rest of her life....
and pray that Allah will maintain her respect and dignity....



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"Our Lord! forgive us our sins and anything we may have done that transgressed our duty; establish our feet firmly and help us against those that resist faith." Quran(3:147)

[Nadia_H]

Originally posted by armughal:
and if she has kept quiet all this time, its better she keeps quiet for the rest of her life....and pray that Allah will maintain her respect and dignity....

Thanks, Armughal.
I see where you are coming from.
Won't her husband eventually know that something occurred ? Even though she did nothing wrong, uss ki ""izzat"" ki baat ho gi; she's not Pakistani but this is the same in Pakistani culture as well. Waisay she is just too honest to stay quiet about this, she told me she doesn't want to deceive her future husband about something so major. She wants to be completely honest and at least give him an opportunity before the marriage is finalized to leave if he should want to. But if she tells the husband, then the news will get to her parents & rest of the family as well.

It's such a sad situation pata nahin kia advice dena chahyay. i think it's brave of her to want to tell her husband, i don't think i could do it. Have no idea what advice to offer her.

[Ibrahim]

Ibrahim says : Innal Hamdalillaah was-salaat was-salaam 'alaa Rasoolillaah

AsSalaamu 'Alaikum wa-Rahmatullaahe wa-Barakaatuhu,


Dear Sister,

I am not providing the answer to your query but only providing some info with how Islam will look at this for the benefit of all .


Firstly Such matters are best brought to the attention of the parents first, since it is they who best know their children and would love and care for them at all times ( but this has been avoided and is too late now) , in addition, they alone will have to bear the anguish for the daughters failure in keeping it quiet for so long, even though the girl must have gone through quite an ordeal herself in keeping it a secret all this while and yet facing the one who had done this to her all the time.

The rapist should have been punished long ago but now it is too late without evidence.

Such matters no one likes to hear of or made public and is also best brought to someone well versed in the shariah and not on a public forum even though it is anonymous .

What has been hidden will remain hidden IF Allah (swt) had willed it as such, on the other hand it can become a trial for the entire family, when repentance had not been done by the guilty and Allah (swt) wishes to expose him.


Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith Hadith 9.320 Narrated by Ubada bin As Samit


Allah's Apostle said to us while we were in a gathering, "Give me the oath (Pledge of allegiance) for: (1) Not to join anything in worship along with Allah, (2) Not to steal, (3) Not to commit illegal sexual intercourse, (4) Not to kill your children, (5) Not to accuse an innocent person (to spread such an accusation among people), (6) Not to be disobedient (when ordered) to do good deeds. The Prophet added: Whoever amongst you fulfill his pledge, his reward will be with Allah, and whoever commits any of those sins and receives the legal punishment in this world for that sin, then that punishment will be an expiation for that sin, and whoever commits any of those sins and Allah does not expose him, then it is up to Allah if He wishes He will punish him or if He wishes, He will forgive him." So we gave the Pledge for that. (See Hadith No. 17, Vol. 1)

Anyway let me give you some details as to what was the prescribed laws in such cases

I am not giving an opinion nor saying what can be done but merely providing some info about such matters for you to understand how the law and Muslims looks at such matters, here, I am also providing the laws found in the Bible as well as the laws found in the Qur’an for comparison and clarity.


In the Bible:-

Deuteronomy 17:6. On the testimony of two or three witnesses a man shall be put to death, but no one shall be put to death on the testimony of only one witness.

7. The hands of the witnesses must be the first in putting him to death, and then the hands of all the people. You must purge the evil from among you.


Deuteronomy 22:13. If a man takes a wife and, after lying with her, dislikes her

14. and slanders her and gives her a bad name, saying, "I married this woman, but when I approached her, I did not find proof of her virginity,"

15. then the girl's father and mother shall bring proof that she was a virgin to the town elders at the gate.

16. The girl's father will say to the elders, "I gave my daughter in marriage to this man, but he dislikes her.

17. Now he has slandered her and said, `I did not find your daughter to be a virgin.' But here is the proof of my daughter's virginity." Then her parents shall display the cloth before the elders of the town,

18. and the elders shall take the man and punish him.

19. They shall fine him a hundred shekels of silver and give them to the girl's father, because this man has given an Israelite virgin a bad name. She shall continue to be his wife; he must not divorce her as long as he lives.

20. If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the girl's virginity can be found,

21. she shall be brought to the door of her father's house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done a disgraceful thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father's house. You must purge the evil from among you.

22. If a man is found sleeping with another man's wife, both the man who slept with her and the woman must die. You must purge the evil from Israel.

23. If a man happens to meet in a town a virgin pledged to be married and he sleeps with her,

24. you shall take both of them to the gate of that town and stone them to death--the girl because she was in a town and did not scream for help, and the man because he violated another man's wife. You must purge the evil from among you.

25. But if out in the country a man happens to meet a girl pledged to be married and rapes her, only the man who has done this shall die.

26. Do nothing to the girl; she has committed no sin deserving death. This case is like that of someone who attacks and murders his neighbor,

27. for the man found the girl out in the country, and though the betrothed girl screamed, there was no one to rescue her.

28. If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered,

29. he shall pay the girl's father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.

In the Qur’an and hadiths

Surah An-Nur

1 A Surah which We have sent down and which We have ordained: in it have We sent down Clear Signs in order that ye may receive admonition

2 The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication flog each of them with a hundred stripes: let not compassion move you in their case in a matter prescribed by Allah if ye believe in Allah and the Last Day: and let a party of the Believers witness their punishment.

3 Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry any but a woman similarly guilty or an Unbeliever nor let any but such a man or an Unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden.

4 And those who launch a charge against chaste women and produce not four witnesses (to support their allegation) flog them with eighty stripes: and reject their evidence ever after: for such men are wicked transgressors

5 Unless they repent thereafter and mend (their conduct): for Allah is Oft-Forgiving Most Merciful.

6 And for those who launch a charge against their spouses and have (in support) no evidence but their own their solitary evidence (can be received) if they bear witness four times (with an oath) by Allah that they are solemnly telling the truth;

7 And the fifth (oath) (should be) that they solemnly invoke the curse of Allah on themselves if they tell a lie.

8 But it would avert the punishment from the wife if she bears witness four times (with an oath) by Allah that (her husband) is telling a lie;

9 And the fifth (oath) should be that she solemnly invokes the wrath of Allah on herself if (her accuser) is telling the truth.




Al-Muwatta Hadith Hadith 41.16a

Rape


Malik said, "The position with us about a woman who is found to be pregnant and has no husband and she says, 'I was forced, ' or she says, 'I was married,' is that it is not accepted from her and the hadd is inflicted on her unless she has a clear proof of what she claims about the marriage or that she was forced or she comes bleeding if she was a virgin or she calls out for help so that someone comes to her and she is in that state or what resembles it of the situation in which the violation occurred." He said, "If she does not produce any of those, the hadd is inflicted on her and what she claims of that is not accepted from her."

Malik said, "A raped woman cannot marry until she has restored herself by three menstrual periods."

He said, "If she doubts her periods, she does not marry until she has freed herself of that doubt."



Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 4405 Narrated by Nu'aym ibn Huzzal


Yazid ibn Nu'aym ibn Huzzal, on his father's authority said: Ma'iz ibn Malik was an orphan under the protection of my father. He had illegal sexual intercourse with a slave-girl belonging to a clan. My father said to him: Go to the Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him) and inform him of what you have done, for he may perhaps ask Allah for your forgiveness. His purpose in that was simply a hope that it might be a way of escape for him . So he went to him and said: Apostle of Allah! I have committed fornication, so inflict on me the punishment ordained by Allah. He (the Prophet) turned away from him, so he came back and said: Apostle of Allah! I have committed fornication, so inflict on me the punishment ordained by Allah. He (again) turned away from him, so he came back and said: Apostle of Allah! I have committed fornication, so inflict on me the punishment ordained by Allah. When he uttered it four times, the Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him) said: You have said it four times. With whom did you commit it? He replied: With so and so. He asked: Did you lie down with her? He replied: Yes. He asked: Had your skin been in contact with hers? He replied. Yes. He asked: Did you have intercourse with her? He said: Yes. So he (the Prophet) gave orders that he should be stoned to death. He was then taken out to the Harrah, and while he was being stoned he felt the effect of the stones and could not bear it and fled. But Abdullah ibn Unays encountered him when those who had been stoning him could not catch up with him. He threw the bone of a camel's foreleg at him, which hit him and killed him. They then went to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and reported it to him. He said: Why did you not leave him alone. Perhaps he might have repented and been forgiven by Allah.




Sahih Al-Bukhari HadithHadith 7.231 Narrated by Said bin Jubair


I asked Ibn 'Umar, "(What is the verdict if) a man accuses his wife of illegal sexual intercourse?" Ibn 'Umar said, "The Prophet separated (by divorce) the couple of Bani Al-Ajlan, and said, (to them), 'Allah knows that one of you two is a liar; so will one of you repent?' But both of them refused. He again said, 'Allah knows that one of you two is a liar; so will one of you repent?' But both of them refused. So he separated them by divorce." (Aiyub, a sub-narrator said: 'Amr bin Dinar said to me, "There is something else in this Hadith which you have not mentioned. It goes thus: The man said, 'What about my money (i.e. the Mahr that I have given to my wife)?' It was said, 'You have no right to restore any money, for if you have spoken the truth (as regards the accusation), you have also consummated your marriage with her; and if you have told a lie, you are less rightful to have your money back.' ")

Ibrahim says: Even the Prophet (pbuh) tried to avoid hearing about such matters, when those who had guilt in them tried to confess about it, since those who hear it are subject to act according to what had been prescribed and if anyone bears witness against themselves four times the hadd becomes obligatory on that person.


Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 4902 Narrated by Umm Kulthum bint Uqbah al-Umawiyyah


The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: He who forged in order to put things right between two persons did not lie. The version by Ahmad ibn Muhammad and Musaddad has: The liar is not the one who puts things right between people, saying what is good and increasing good.


Allah (swt) knows best.

Was salaam
Ibrahim


2:286 On no soul doth Allah place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns and it suffers every ill that it earns. (Pray): "Our Lord! condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which Thou didst lay on those before us; Our Lord! lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. Thou art our Protector; help us against those who stand against faith."

[*kashish*]

Nadia I feel extremely sad to know your friends situation

I can see how tormented she must have been all these years and at a situation ,which she isnt guilty of.....and at this crucial time of of her life,she is being undecisive about her next step! :-(

I think what happened with her was a misery and not her fault.Infact she is the sufferer but in conservative societies no one realizes that....I feel the best thing would be for her to keep quiet as she had been in the past.

You know , i feel the moment she brings it out in open , not only her husband to be but her own family would not be very happy with the situation and that could bring her more discomfort later in the life.

I think she should ask guidance from Allah talah ,in the form of prayers and in the form of istikhara .And may be you should help her out by discussing the same problem with someone who has better and authentic knowledge of Deen.

My prayers are with her.May Allah SWT helps her and gives her stability,Ameen.

[eemo]

She isnt islamically obliged to tell him.

But if i can relate something to you from personal experience.

I knew a girl and was interested in marrying her. She told me quite early on that she had been 'violated' when she was younger, and their were other major problems in her life too.

To be honest, i personally didnt have a problem with it. It all depends on the husband and whether he is mature enough to understand.

I personally feel it would be better if she told him, before the marriage to save problems afterwards, cos she obviously cant keep it in. and if he declines, then his loss. and she shouldnt take it as her loss.

Besides , a girl isnt accountable for her sins until she becomes a woman (i.e reaches puberty). So she isnt accountable for what happened to her at the age of 10 either way.

Only thing she has to be careful about is her parents, so she needs to find a way of telling him in private and make sure he doesnt tell anyone else.

Hope that helps

[Hinna]

I think the best thing for your friend to do is to go seek a scholar's advice. Not only can she get information on the islamic perspective of the situation, but it will be kept confidential. Inshallah everything will work out.

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"O people! Muhammad has no sons among ye men, but verily, he is the Messenger of Allah and the last in the line of Prophets. And Allah is aware of everything." (33:40)

"The Hour will not come ... until nearly thirty "dajjals" (liars) appear, each one claiming to be a messenger from Allah." (Sahih Bukhari, Sahih Muslim)

[ahmadjee]

Nadia, IMO there is nothing according to the law (Islamic or otherwise) that forces here to confess anything. It's her choice.

[NYAhmadiX]

I am not sure about the Laws and stuff, but what I know is that the victims of sexual aggression (rapes, etc. I don't believe that rape is about Sex though) live with it forever. In my opinion she should come forward and not only tell it to her husband to be, but to tell it to everyone. So people know that what that poor girl had gone through (10 year old is a very tender age, and just imagine the horror she has been hiding for all this time). I am sure the husband-to-be will not only sympathize with his wife-to-be, but hopefully will join her in the cause to educate evil men who commit this most heinous of crimes. If the criminal is still alive, he should most definitely be exposed. Who knows how many more victims are there because of that son of a butcher.

[farouq_taj]

If the victim of child rape currently lives in either Pakistan or a Muslim country there is little recourse to justice and her husband will not understand her ordeal nor sympathise in any way whatsoever.

In such a situation I'd reluctantly advise silence.

If however she lives in the West then she ought to seek the advice of victim support groups. Ultimately she should tell all her family of her ordeal and let it be known who the perpetrator is that committed the rape. Even if it means being ostracised be her own family which is a possibility in this case.

There is a Muslim Womens Helpline service in the UK which specialises in this area. If the person is in the UK I can forward the phone number and contact details.

Farouq Taj.

[Roman]

Is it even a matter of religion? It amazes me as much as it disgusts me to see people seeking religious advices on matters like these. Some screwed up morality.

The girl should come into terms with such horrendous victimization on her own. She needs to face it and come open with it. More for herself and also to strip naked that ******* who did that to her. If she keeps it inside her, she is never going to get over it which means that she is a victim for her whole life. She needs to sort it out before she even thinks about marrying somebody.

It's about the psychological demage, not physical one. It's also about standing up for herself not finding fallacious solace in some convoluted religious decree that some religious scholar is gonna come up with without even ever having any clue about what she's been going through all this time.

[anand]

She has been a serious child throughout her childhood that she keeps it in mind.
You may tell her that such incidents are very common in Asiatic conservative societies, though people do not talk of it openly.
Long back in India Today this subject was talked thoroughly, and horrible stories were revealed.

She must at any cost not tell it to her would be, before or after marriage, if there is some necessity to show the physical chastity, she must be able to deceive her husband.

The best that she meets some psychologist.
And forget if religion has anything to do in this case.

[OldLahori]

I am sorry to hear about your friend. If she comes from as a conservative a background as you say, it would be serious risk for her to report the rape now, unless her rapist happens to be around and is still troubling her. If she lives in canada, but has not adjusted / adapted to the life in the secular west, it is going to be very difficult for her to find a psychologist or a psychiatrist that can relate to her needs and constraints. However there are doctors and psychologists from south asia who would understand her cultural background. She should seek counseling from one of them if she can. My prayers are with her.

[Ums]

That's really sad..

sorry i can't help, but will pray for her.

[Bluebell]

Let me tell you what I have heard about things like this. If something has happened to a female where it involves her hymn erupting I heard that she must tell someone right away so they can record that date, so whenever she will get married in the long run they can tell her husband to be.

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"By Allah I long to escape the prison of my ego and lose myself in the mountains and deserts , these sad and lonely people tire me" ---Rumi