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    Marriage (Islam vs Tradition Culture)

    Salam
    I am facing a problem which is faced by many people and although the solution is simple, but it is extremely hard to implement it in many societies.
    I am 25 and I intend to marry a girl, but the parents of the girl refuse because of the difference in caste.

    I know the girl since the past 4 years and my family sent the first proposal 3 years ago.
    Whole of her family knows that we want to marry each other but the father doesn't agree.

    I just don't understand that when all this was happening what was her father doing? Why didn't he stop her daughter then? Why didn't he care about what her daughter's been doing since the past 4 years?
    Now he tells me that he'll kill me and cause harm to my family if I try to contact them... based on what? we have different family background?? I speak the same language, believe in the same religion am a citizen of the same country ...

    I can't just erase what has happened in the past 4 years, I can't marry some one just for having kids, my conscious keeps bothering me all the time. I can't live my life with regrets..

    Please advise me....

    #2
    Aah, another victim to ignorance.

    My friend if the girl is ready then nothing can stop you at this time and point. Hopefully there are family members that support her. Find out if there is a deeper reasoning to her fathers unjust decision cuz its just pathetic to me. Take it ez, just have patience and ask Allah for guidance.

    ------------------
    Jitna Diya Sarkar Nay Mujko, Itni Meri Auqat Nahi, Yeh Saab Tumhara Karam Hai Aqa, Mujh Mein Aisi Koi Baat Nahin.


    Love happens once . . .
    Rabul MashriqaiN wal MaghribaiN

    Comment


      #3
      Its been four years since I've been trying to convince her dad, through many members of his family, but nothing seems to change his attitude.

      The only thing which is causing the problem is the caste, she is a Punjabi and her Caste is Jatt, and I am an Urdu Speaking, and my caste is Moghul.

      Comment


        #4
        I've done the Istikhara and it was favorable.

        The girl has made it clear to her father and many other members of her family, that she wants to marry me, but now her father is forcing her to marry someone else!

        Its never happened in their family they tell me and is against their family tradition and culture! To give daughters to a non Jatt, but if a Jatt boy wants to marry a Moghul, they do not have a problem! in 2001??

        I never knew what this caste was all about before I sent the proposal, I was born in a Middle Eastern country and have lived there for a long time but now I am in the US, I simply cannot believe that this is actually happening in our society! We call it a Muslim Society... Based on what??

        I've studied Islam and I try to practise it as much as I can, and I have tried to link this issue and the conclusion is that the parents cannot force their daughter into a marriage! The status of that marriage is INVALID.

        Comment


          #5
          Originally posted by Different:
          Its been four years since I've been trying to convince her dad, through many members of his family, but nothing seems to change his attitude.

          The only thing which is causing the problem is the caste, she is a Punjabi and her Caste is Jatt, and I am an Urdu Speaking, and my caste is Moghul.
          Caste does not have anything to do in Islam. You can even marry a woman of different religion (practicing Jew or Christian) then howcome he is raising an issue which does not exist in Islam?

          May be his father is affraid of his family, or may be his father is looking for something else but he does not want to disclose it.

          Keep praying to Allah to change his heart. This is best I can suggest. I can't suggest to elope with her or do anything against her family.

          ------------------
          We oughta be Changez like, don't we?

          Comment


            #6
            I am aware that caste is not a problem in Islam, but it is the only problem here!

            Its the other way round.. the whole family is afraid of her father...!

            I've talked to her father's elder brother and he too is scared of him! He is aware that his younger brother won't consider even his request!

            I don't understand this, I really don't, I can't sit back and watch her get married by force and then witness 3 families suffer because of her dad's attitude.

            My whole family (all relatives) is aware of this and her whole family knows this too... Its a small world nowadays, I don't want to imagine further..!
            It sends chills down my spine!

            Who can spend a life with a person who doesn't want to be with him/her..! No wonder there's a lot of corruption these days!

            What about conscience? How do i deal with it?
            I have to face Allah and I don't want to tell him that I had to follow the man made rules (Society and Culture, Family-tradition)even though I knew that they were wrong!

            Comment


              #7
              How does the girl feel about this and which country do u reside?

              Have u tried influencing her dad by the people he respects?

              Comment


                #8
                She's in the same middle Eastern country I was born in.

                I have tried talking to almost every close member in their family and many people within their social circle as well, his elder brother, I've talked to him and he promised me that he'll surely convince him, but nothing has worked.

                There are people in the family who support me, but there are some who don't and they too become obstacles.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Her feelings.. she'll go crazy soon, under these circumstances!!

                  well, in our society what can we expect a girl to do in this case scenario, she doesn't have a decent option!

                  If she comes with me, she cuts off her ties with her whole family, if she stays with her parents, she'll be forced to marry someone!

                  That's what happens usually.... unfortunately

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Sorry...

                    I am in the US right now!

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Different: This is what I suggest, listen to what she has to say; if she is favourable to marrying you then you two should stand your ground until the father gives in. If she doesn't want to disobey her parents then I'm afraid you'll have to do what keeps her and her family happy. I think you know what I mean. These caste systems are quite a pain in the arse. If the Istikhara was favorable to you then all you two have to do is wait and Allah will open a path for you Insha'Allah.

                      Just keep praying. Don't let her cut all ties with her family. Think about it if a girl is willing to do that to her family then what makes u think she can't do it to you. You may or may not know where I'm going with this but you'll see for yourself in time. Just have faith in him.

                      ------------------
                      Jitna Diya Sarkar Nay Mujko, Itni Meri Auqat Nahi, Yeh Saab Tumhara Karam Hai Aqa, Mujh Mein Aisi Koi Baat Nahin.


                      Love happens once . . .
                      Rabul MashriqaiN wal MaghribaiN

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Thank you Coco nut

                        I do have faith in Allah and that's what is keeping me up. I know her very well, she will never leave her parents, girls in our society don't take such steps. I wouldn't want her to do that either because it isn't the right thing to do.

                        Her father will never give in, he's not that type, he doesn't care if his daughter is happy or not or whether she's being treated well by her husband, he cares only about his ego, his social standing. He's been unaware of what is going on since the past 4 years because the whole family is scared of him!
                        But truth finds its way out, someway or the other, I am worried about what's going to happen after he forces his daughter to marry some one else.
                        Someday he'll know what the truth is, and by then it'll be too late. Who'll suffer the most?
                        He has lived his life and now he's making unjust decisions for us based on his false assumptions.
                        Who'll be responsible if the girl's marriage ends up in a divorce? If she's tortured daily because of her past?
                        I know what the father would say "That is her fate how Allah has written for her"

                        People don't seem to understand that the decisions that they make will actually take them to hell or heaven!
                        I know that just because of her dad's stubborn attitude, innocent people are going to suffer unnecessarily! This can be avoided though...
                        I cannot just sit back and watch all this quietly, I know her and I know that the only right solution is for us to get married, but this solution is not acceptable to her dad!

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Different: #1 I know your intention is to see her happy with you. Then if it God forbid doesn't happen give her the prayers that her life goes well. Don't think such hideous thoughts that she'll end up in this or that. Its better if you think that she'll be happy. After all doesn't her happiness matter to you than anything else? Her father is just another case. Let him be, as you said truth and justice finds its way either in this world and if not then definately in the here after. If you don't get her here then just remember this life is nothing but temporary and you can always get her in the hereafter. These social ties her dad is caught in won't last long. You and I know people will always be there to gossip no matter what you've accomplished. As I said before if you have faith in this then have good faith. Look at other solutions other alternatives open your mind trust in Allah because right now your only thinking one solution is for you two to get married. Just keep yourself open to possibilities and pray like your going to die this very second. I know its the harsh truth but I'm being realistic here.

                          ------------------
                          Jitna Diya Sarkar Nay Mujko, Itni Meri Auqat Nahi, Yeh Saab Tumhara Karam Hai Aqa, Mujh Mein Aisi Koi Baat Nahin.


                          Love happens once . . .
                          Rabul MashriqaiN wal MaghribaiN

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Oh my God...the same old crap going on everywhere in this world....I cant take it anymore...y dont ppl get it? we are Muslims, supposed to follow ISLAM and not some stupid traditions..all this zaat-thing is way out..and yes, it does exist in 2001....

                            pata nahin Allah kab hamare logo me ISLAM ki samjh dalle ga...

                            believe me, as a girl it is very hard to stand alone in one's family...I was forced to marry my cousin for many years which I opposed, but at the end after such a hard battle, it ended up with nikkah with that cousin in Pakistan...they just didnt get it, that it is against Islam...now I have applied for divorce, only 2 months after that nikkah....

                            I just want to tell you that if she is being forced by her family, maybe she will give up at the end, eventhough she may be a strong person..

                            I really wish you good luck...just follow the right path and Allah will help....istikhara was a sign from Allah....now you must do something to make it happen..
                            first thing to do is to talk to her mother...directly..about your future plans regarding her daughter and about your carrier and so....
                            then make her mother talk to her husband...and we will all pray for something good...

                            Comment


                              #15
                              CocoNut
                              Her happiness is important to me but what's more important to me is that I have to face Allah and I don't want to give him any excuse that I had to follow man made rules and I didn't have the courage to follow Islam!
                              I know her and the situation very well. She is a human being too, she has feelings as well! My prayers are always with her, but I cannot ignore or deny the facts either.
                              There are things that are pretty much clear to me, and I know that its basically Islam versus Society Culture. to be more specific Allah versus Man...!
                              If I sit back and let her father do what he intends to do because he has the support of the Society, then ain't am i committing SHIRK?
                              I am opting for man made rules over Allah's!

                              Comment

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