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Seeking info on Islamic Marriages!

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    Seeking info on Islamic Marriages!

    Guys and gals:

    In the west people date, they get to know each other and then get married.

    In India and China, it used to be arranged marriages, but is increasingly becoming like the west - though in many parts of India, arranged marriages are the only thing they do.

    If in Islam, a woman is not allowed to reveal her face or talk to other men, do you typically follow an arranged marriage system?

    What is typically done to choose somebody's life partner? Please tell me what is suggested in Islam, what is practiced in various Islamic societies?

    Any link or reference will also be good!

    #2
    Consent of parties

    There is a halal arranged marriage and a haram one. It is OK to arrange marriages by suggestion and recommendation as long as both parties are agreeable. The other arranged marriage is when parents choose the future spouse and the couple concerned are forced or have no choice in the matter. One of the conditions of a valid marriage is consent of the couple. Marriage by definition is a voluntary union of two people.

    The choice of a partner by a Muslim virgin girl is subject to the approval of the father or guardian under Maliki school. This is to safeguard her welfare and interests. The prophet said "the widow and the divorced woman shall not be married until she has consented and the virgin shall not be married until her consent is obtained. The prophet did revoke the marriage of a girl who complained to him that her father had married her against her wishes.

    Comment


      #3
      Refrences frm Quran and Hadith

      "The widow and the divorced woman shall not be married until their order is obtained, and the virgin shall not be married until her consent is obtained." (AlBukhari)

      "When a man gives his daughter in marriage and she dislikes it, the marriage shall be annulled." Once a virgin girl came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and said that her father had married her to a man against her wishes. The Prophet gave her the right to repudiate the marriage. (Abu Dawud).

      And when you divorce women, and they have come to the end of their waiting period, hinder them not from marrying other men if they have agreed with each other in a fair manner. (2: 232)

      And if any of you die and leave behind wives, they bequeath thereby to their widows (the right to) one year's maintenance without their being obliged to leave (their husband's home), but if they leave (the residence) of their own accord, there is no blame on you for what they do with themselves in a lawful manner. (2:234)

      Comment


        #4
        Our marriage was arranged - the old fashioned way, just telephone conversations. I had been living in the US for 11 years before we got married. Following the west on things like technology, industry, education etc is actually a good thing. Good cultural family values with our rich cultural heritage should not be compromised at any cost in any era.

        Comment


          #5

          What is the normal practice of choosing marriage partners within the Hindu faith.

          Who has the final say and can one marry into another caste.

          Comment


            #6
            This is a particularly appealing topic to me, as I am reaching that age when the issue has suddenly becomming an important one. In my opinion, the western concept of dating and building a relationship with someone before marriage simply does not guarantee success. Obviously there are cases of childhood sweethearts who date for their college years and then got married and lived happily ever after. This is the exception as opposed to the rule and to argue otherwise it to say smoking doesn't cause cancer because you knew someone who smoked for 70 years and they lived to be 90. It happens - occasionally, let's not be foolishly idealistic.

            Your parents, naturally only want what's best for you. Let them introduce you to what they consider to be suitable partners. Following this, one should do a salat ul-Istikarah, and ask Allah for guidance with regards to the potential husband/wife. If positive, there is really no reason why you should not proceed - but beware, if negative you must not go against the Istikarah and proceed. The following website, outlines what an Istikarah is and how to perform one with the du'aa given.
            http://www.alinaam.org.za/library/istikhaara.html

            I also understand that it is permissable for a male to request that if his potential bride is wearing a hegab that she remove it in the presence of a mehram. He may only galance and must not do so in an impure or lustful manner. It is up to the groom if he wishes to see her hair before making a decision (probably to make sure she doesn't have pink dreadlocks or something! ). The couple may talk and get to know one another, in the presence of a mehram.

            I share a house with English guys at university and have seen, first hand, the western system in full swing - I don't find it to be one that works. It just causes so much heartache and misery for all concerned - not to mention so many people who claim to have got carried away and made a 'terrible mistake.' When you are dealing with abortions, AIDS and so on, there is no such thing as a 'terrible mistake' - thats a life you're taking because you were stupid.

            Islam safeguards these issues by discouraging one from becomming engrossed in such an environment. For this reason Islam encourages early marriage. It recognises that in the later teen years especially, both sexes will become very competitive in an attempt to attract one another and that this will lead to all sorts of complications - teenage pregnancy, STD's and so on. Furthermore, the idea of a long engagement is discouraged because of the potential for it to break off and hence cause heart ache.

            All the time, Islam is attempting to divert problems by eliminating them at their roots. Like a patient who has a cancerous tumor in his arm - a poor doctor will treat the symptoms of the tumor, but the tumor will remain, eventually killing the patient. The good doctor will realise that the tumor is the root of all his patients problems and so by removing the tumor all the problems are cured. In much the same way, Islam is identifying the Cancers in a western system we often believe to be superior and more 'liberated.'

            Unlike Christianity there is no celibacy vow taken by Imams; as opposed to members of the clergy. Islam describes marriage as a most glorious 'institution' between men and women. There is a Hadith - I do not know it's exact wording (My uncle has borrowed the book!). It is a Bukhari Hadith in which the Prophet (SAW) has said that a man is only half a man and a woman only half a women until the day they get married.

            So, within the framework outlined by Islam marriage is a massive and highly celebrated moment in an individual's life. As for everything in a Muslims life - Islam, the comprehensive guide for life, has outlined a correct and permissable manner in which to find your suitable life partner.

            --------------------
            Brothers and Sisters, please make du'aa that I get my own personal situation sorted soon Inshallah

            Comment


              #7
              MARRIAGE IN ISLAM. http://www.jannah.org/sisters/marr.html
              ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

              Islam, unlike other religions is a strong advocate of marriage. There is no place for celibacy like, for example the Roman Catholic priests and nuns. The prophet (pbuh) has said "there is no celibacy in Islam.

              Marriage is a religious duty and is consequently a moral safeguard as well as a social necessity. Islam does not equal celibacy with high "taqwa" / "Iman". The prophet has also said, "Marriage is my tradition who so ever keeps away there from is not from amongst me".

              Marriage acts as an outlet for sexual needs and regulate it so one does not become a slave to his/ her desires.

              It is a social necessity because through marriage, families are established and the family is the fundamental unit of our society. Furthermore, marriage is the only legitimate or halal way to indulge in intimacy between a man and a woman.

              Islam takes a middle of the road position to sexual relations , it neither condemns it like certain religions, nor does it allow it freely. Islam urges us to control and regulate our desires, whatever they may be so that we remain dignified and not become like animals.

              The purpose of Marriage.

              ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

              The word "zawj" is used in the Qur'an to mean a pair or a mate. In general it usage refers to marriage. The general purpose of marriage is that the sexes can provide company to one another, love to one another, procreate children and live in peace and tranquility to the commandments of Allah.

              * Marriage serves as a means to emotional and sexual gratification and as a means of tension reduction. It is also a form of Ibadah because it is obeying Allah and his messenger - i.e. Marriage is seen as the only possible way for the sexes to unite. One could choose to live in sin, however by choosing marriage one is displaying obedience to Allah.

              Marriage is "mithaq" - a solemn covenant (agreement). It is not a matter which can be taken lightly. It should be entered into with total commitment and full knowledge of what it involves. It is not like buying a new dress where you can exchange it if you don't like it. Your partner should be your choice for life. One should be mature enough to understand the demands of marriage so that the union can be a lasting one. For a marriage to be valid certain conditions must be met.

              1) consent of both parties.

              2) " Mahr" a gift from the groom to his bride.

              3) Witnesses- 2 male or female.

              4) The marriage should be publicized, it should never be kept secret as it leads to suspicion and troubles within the community.

              Is Marriage obligatory?

              ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

              According to Imams Abu Hanifah, Ahmad ibn Hanbal and Malik ibn Anas, marriage is recommendatory, however in certain individuals it becomes wajib/obligatory. Imam Shaafi'i considers it to be nafl or mubah (preferable). The general opinion is that if a person, male or female fears that if he/she does not marry they will commit fornication, then marriage becomes "wajib". If a person has strong sexual urges then it becomes "wajib" for that person to marry. Marriage should not be put off or delayed especially if one has the means to do so.

              A man, however should not marry if he or she does not possess the means to maintain a wife and future family, or if he has no sex drive or if dislikes children, or if he feels marriage will seriously affect his religious obligation.

              The general principle is that prophet (pbuh) enjoined up in the followers to marry.

              He said "when a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion , so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half." This hadith is narrated by Anas. Islam greatly encourages marriage because it shields one from and upholds the family unit which Islam places great importance.

              Selection of a partner:

              ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

              The choice of a partner should be the one with the most "taqwa" (piety). The prophet recommended the suitors see each other before going through with marriage. It is unreasonable for two people to be thrown together and be expected to relate and be intimate when they know nothing of each other. The couple are permitted to look at each other with a critical eye and not a lustful one. This ruling does not contradict the ayah which says that believing men and women should lower their gaze.

              - The couple, however are not permitted to be alone in a closed room or go out together alone. As the hadith says "when a man and a woman are together alone, there is a third presence i.e. shaitan.

              - There is no concept of courtship in Islam as it is practised in the west. There is no dating or living in defacto relationship or trying each other out before they commit to each other seriously. There is to be no physical relationship what so ever before marriage. The romantic notions that young people often have, have proven in most cases to be unrealistic and harmful to those involved. We only have to look at the alarming divorce rate in the west to understand this point. e.g. the couple know each other for years, are intimate, live together and so on yet somehow this does not guarantee the success of the future marriage. Romance and love simply do not equal a everlasting bond between two people.

              Fact: Romance and love die out very quickly when we have to deal in the real world. The unrealistic expectations that young people have is what often contributes to the failure of their relationship.

              - The west make fun of the Islamic way of marriage in particular arranged marriage, yet the irony is that statistically arranged marriages prove to be more successful and lasting than romantic types of courtship.

              This is because people are blinded by the physical attraction and thus do not choose the compatible partner.

              Love blinds people to potential problems in the relationship. There is an Arabic saying: which says "the mirror of love is blind, it makes zucchini into okra". Arranged marriages on the other hand, are based not on physical attraction or romantic notions but rather on critical evaluation of the compatibility of the couple.

              This is why they often prove successful.

              Consent of parties.

              ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

              There is a halal arranged marriage and a haram one. It is OK to arrange marriages by suggestion and recommendation as long as both parties are agreeable. The other arranged marriage is when parents choose the future spouse and the couple concerned are forced or have no choice in the matter.

              One of the conditions of a valid marriage is consent of the couple.

              Marriage by definition is a voluntary union of two people.

              The choice of a partner by a Muslim virgin girl is subject to the approval of the father or guardian under Maliki school. This is to safeguard her welfare and interests. The prophet said "the widow and the divorced woman shall not be married until she has consented and the virgin shall not be married until her consent is obtained. The prophet did revoke the marriage of a girl who complained to him that her father had married her against her wishes.

              The husband/wife relationship.

              ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

              -The wifes rights - the Husbands obligations.

              (1) Maintenance

              The husband is responsible for the wifes maintenance. This right is established by authority of the Qur'an and the sunnah. It is inconsequen tial whether the wife is a Muslim , non-Muslim, rich, poor, healthy or sick. A component of his role as "qawam" (leader) is to bear the financial responsibility of the family in a generous way so that his wife may be assured security and thus perform her role devotedly.

              The wifes maintenance entails her right to lodging, clothing, food and general care, like medication, hospital bills etc. He must lodge her where he resides himself according to his means. The wifes lodge must be adequate so as to ensure her privacy, comfort and independence.

              If a wife has been used to a maid or is unable to attend to her household duties, it is the husbands duty to provide her with a maid if he can afford to do so. The prophet is reported to have said: The best Muslim is one who is the best husband.

              (2) "Mahr "

              The wife is entitled to a marriage gift that is her own. This may be prompt or deferred depending on the agreement between the parties. A marriage is not valid without mahr. It does not have to be money or gold. It can be non-material like teaching her to read the Qur'an. " Mahr" is a gift from the groom to the bride. This is the Islamic law, unlike some cultures whereby the brides parents pay the future husband to marry the daughter. This practice degrades women and is contrary to the spirit of Islam. There is no specification in the Qur'an as to what or how much the Mahr has to be. It depends on the parties involved.

              (3) Non-material rights.

              A husband is commanded by the law of Allah to treat his wife with equity, respect her feelings and show kindness and consideration, especially if he has another wife. The prophet last sermon stresses kindness to women.


              The wife obligations - the Husbands rights.

              ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

              One of the main duties of the wife is to contribute to the success and blissfulness of the marriage. She must be attentive to the comfort and wellbeing of her husband. The Qur'anic ayah which illustrates this point is:

              "Our lord, grant us wives and offspring who will be the apples of our eyes and guide us to be models for the righteous"

              The wife must be faithful, trustworthy and honest she must not deceive her husband by deliberately avoiding contraception. She must not allow any other person to have access to that which is exclusively the husband right i.e. sexual intimacy. She must not receive or entertain strange males in the house without his knowledge and consent. She should not be alone with a strange male. She should not accept gifts from other men without his approval. This is meant to avoid jealousy, suspicion and gossip. The husband possessions are her trust. She may not dispose of his belongings without his permission.

              A wife should make herself sexually attractive to her husband and be responsive to his advances. The wife must not refuse her husband sexually as this can lead to marital problems and worse still - tempt the man to adultery. The husband of course should take into account the wifes health and general consideration should be given.

              Obedience.

              ^^^^^^^^^

              The purpose of obedience in the relationship is to keep the family unit running as smoothly as possible. The man has been given the right to be obeyed because he is the leader and not because he is superior. If a leader is not obeyed , his leadership will become invalid -Imagine a king or a teacher or a parent without the necessary authority which has been entrusted to them.

              Obedience does not mean blind obedience. It is subject to conditions:

              (a) It is required only if what is asked from the wife is within the permissible categories of action.

              (b) It must be maintained only with regard to matters that fall under the husband rights.


              If you would like more information, check out www.jannah.org/sisters and scroll down. There you will see a wide variety of links.

              ------------------
              There is a mystic thread of life
              So dearly wreath'd with mine alone,
              That Destiny's relentless knife
              At once must sever both, or none.

              Comment


                #8
                can a pakistani muslim living in arab countries marry local muslim women
                is it legal to do that? will he be given citizenship?

                Comment


                  #9
                  Here is another link: 201 Islamic Marriage Questions http://members.nbci.com/201Nikah/

                  ------------------
                  There is a mystic thread of life
                  So dearly wreath'd with mine alone,
                  That Destiny's relentless knife
                  At once must sever both, or none.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Quick question!

                    Just came to know from my roommate yesterday that in Islam, the boy and girl don't meet until after their marriage.

                    He also said, that they are required to begin a physical relationship the same night as the next day some Kazi would come and verify it. If the Kazi is not convinced that such a thing has not occured, he can declare the marriage as void, it seems. Is this true or is this utter BS?

                    Is this true in some sects?

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by kumarakn:
                      Quick question!
                      He also said, that they are required to begin a physical relationship the same night as the next day some Kazi would come and verify it.
                      Ohhhh MAnn. This is soo funny. Can I post this in the Joke forum?

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by kumarakn:
                        Quick question!
                        Just came to know from my roommate yesterday that in Islam, the boy and girl don't meet until after their marriage.
                        Not in this century. 100 or 200 years ago, maybe .....but then it wasn't restricted(only) among the Muslim but also other World community

                        Originally posted by kumarakn:
                        He also said, that they are required to begin a physical relationship the same night
                        What do you mean required?? Marriage is not prostitution. Its personal choice. But what is wrong with having physical relationship on the first night considering you have really waited for this day to arrive ....

                        Originally posted by kumarakn:
                        as the next day some Kazi would come and verify it. If the Kazi is not convinced that such a thing has not occured, he can declare the marriage as void, it seems. Is this true or is this utter BS?
                        Never heard of.

                        IS it possible for you to answer this question according to hindusme? Thanx

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Wrong on both counts

                          Infact the opposite is true. A muslim man and woman are supposed to meet before marriage to talk and discuss. How else would they know if they should agree to the marriage. However this meeting is not like a candle-light dinner in seclusion, rather the recommended way is for them to meet in the presence of elders (chaperones) who should stay in sight, but not to listen into the conversations. This way a couple is ensured of privacy to talk about things they wish to talk without someone eavesdropping.

                          In an ideal muslim environment, touching each other before marriage is not allowed, so holding hands, kissing, or anything else is prohibited. Even seeing the bodies is not permitted, except what is allowed. For muslim women it means that she can show her face and hands to the muslim men.

                          This ensures that if, for any reason, the marriage proposal does not go through, then the woman is not violated in any way and is as chaste as possible.

                          Re: the other question, it is a popular misconception even in muslim families. They seem to think that unless the marriage is consumated on the night of marriage, then the walima is not halaal (walima is the reception hosted by the groom, after the marriage, as per Islamic traditions). I asked several muslim jurists and scholars and none of them accepted this claim. This is just a hoax created by some mischevious folks to have some fun with the groom and to tease him.

                          Ofcourse there are other islamic rulings which govern sexual relations between a husband and wife, and summararily they mean that a man can not have sex with his wife when she is menstruating. And a wife is not supposed to stop her husband when he desires sex. There are many others, but I guess that is not the purpose of this post.

                          And no, no one comes and inspect whether the marriage has been consumated or not. Not kazi and not even the parents of the couple. It is all indeed a very private matter between the husband and wife. And no one has a right to declare the marriage as void based on this ground. Its a non-issue ab initio.

                          Your friend must be mistaking islam for some tribal custom in an African forest.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Peacemaker:

                            Thanks for a detailed post. I showed it to my roommate. He says you are wrong. He says, it is a practice among muslims in Gulbarga. (PS: He is a hindu, but the city is predominently a muslim city)

                            For some reason, I believe you than him.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              kumarakn,

                              I don't doubt that this might be a practiced in some place. Where is Gulbarga, anyway? Unfortunately, with the passage of time, many customs have seeped into muslim society which are not related to Islam in anyway. But since those are practiced by muslims so the impression is created that these are islamic rulings. This is not the case.

                              I had read that there are some African tribes (I don't remember whether they are muslim or not), where the groom proudly displays the blood-stained bedsheet, the morning after the first night, to the whole clan as a proof that his bride was a virgin. As a muslim, this practice is abhoring because the relationship between a husband and wife is entirely a private matter. But many times, cultural practices overshadow the religious injunctions.

                              Comment

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