I just don't understand :(

[714]

If you are married and have kids, or when you get married and have kids, please do me a favor, and try to do you arguing and disagreeing where they can't see it. And don't try to put them in the middle. If you have issues with eachother, don't try to make your children side or even complain about the other parent to them.

My parents have been married 23 years, in a completely traditionally arranged marriage. I'm sure they love eachother, but sometimes Its just gets to be too much. They are actually quite different people-really a big problem with many (not all) arranged marriages is that people look at the family and the person etc-which are necessary I totally understand that-but don't look to see if the two individuals, as good as theyare otherwise, are compatible with eachother.

Mashallah they are both equal in religiousness, and basic ideals on how their children should be raised etc, the big things

But then there are the other things, that just give me headaches. I am the oldest and for as long as I can remember they have been putting me in the middle. The don't often fight, per se, but when they do, my God, they are horrible. Things have alhumdillillah gotten a little better as the years have gone by. but still.

Dad is your typical desi male. He's actually pretty good to her, and she says it all the time, but he'll do things like invite people over or make plans without telling her-then she gets upset because he doesn't ask and sometimes she plans other things. Then he doesn't understand what the big deal, and immediately gets defensive-very shorttempered (i'm actually a lot like him, which is probably why mom get so irritated with me ) So he says things, which granted he doesn't mean them that bad, but it still hurts her feelings. And then of course the All-Desi inlaws problems. But then I'll be talking to one or the other and they'll go into their complaining, and I just don't know what to say. Even now, I am in college three hours away, and I called and he complained and she complained, and I only talk to them for a little bit each day if I can, and this week I was so busy that i hardly talked to them at all. It just makes me sad and upset. I mean how am I supposed to respond? I just end up trying to be placative and try to change the subject.


*sigh*

~714

[ahmadjee]

Children are the biggest peace makers in many desi families. Smile, you have been chosen to lead that role in your household. :-p

The issues you discussed are very common to all families regardless of how the founders got married, arranged or otherwise. As you and your parents grow old, you will find out that their little fights are just a way they communicate.

[Fret Wizard]

Hang in there 714. I know exactly what you mean, and I agree 100 percent that kids shouldn't be brought into parental arguments. Also, that they should argue when the kids aren't around. My parents, whenever they would argue, they would do it in front of us, mind you it never got that heated from what I remember, and they would never bring the children into it, and as kids, we'd never try to get involved either. Maybe try talking to them, and telling them how you feel when such a situation arises?

[Degas]

learn from mistakes ur parents make and try not to repete when u get ur kids..

[714]

OMG my parents get into BAD arguments sometimes. Those are about once a year, with threats of divorce and whatnot. Man those are BAD BAD BAD. I am not a cryer @ ALL, but that definitely sets me off.

Thanks you guys

[Mr Xtreme]

Originally posted by 714:
OMG my parents get into BAD arguments sometimes. Those are about once a year,

Consider yourself lucky then. Mine used to have a blazing row every day of the week. Although they were great with us as kids and we never ever felt a threat of divorced parents. So I guess those arguments weren't so bad after all.

[Xara]

Re: I just don't understand

Originally posted by 714:
Dad is your typical desi male. He's actually pretty good to her, and she says it all the time, but he'll do things like invite people over or make plans without telling her-then she gets upset because he doesn't ask and sometimes she plans other things. Then he doesn't understand what the big deal, and immediately gets defensive-very shorttempered (i'm actually a lot like him, which is probably why mom get so irritated with me ) So he says things, which granted he doesn't mean them that bad, but it still hurts her feelings.

714, have u realised ure actually LUCKY in a way?? my mom's like yay bring on the guests and she'll have them after Fajr (if my dad meets them in the mosque) and all hours in the night

its usually me doing the complaining i mean the guests are in the next room right now!!!!! WHY?? WHEN??? HOW??? WHOO?? (i dont need to ask that 1 its always EVERYONE)

ok so i dont mind maybe every 3/4 days but EVERYDAY!??
i complained to my mom and she was shocked!! what happened to all that hospitality treatment i was sposed to have inherited from her???

but then who to blame?? their only trying to be good and it makes u feel guilty whining

and another thing, u know the couples that argue the most love and know each other the most, bcos they know how far they can get in a fight, the further the more closer they are



so and dont let it get to u

[Munni]

I have never seen my parents fight. Nor have I seen them raise voices at eachother. I grew up thinking my parents had a perfect marriage. Alhumdulillah they have had a blessed marriage. However, I have noticed that when Ammi doesnt like something, she stays quiet. Then later mentions it to dad quietly(away from children), and they discuss it. Mom is very compromising.

I think this is the best way, not to bring it infront of the kids. Its not fair to ask your children to take sides. If you read the statistics, you will notice that children who see this behaviour while growing up, often pattern themselves after this as well, as an adult.

If I were you, I would personally have a separate chat with mom and then one with dad, discussing how you feel. I dont know how receptive your parents would be to that.

When I was a child, and I didnt like something Ammi said to my bhai's or even me, I would let her know. May not have liked it then, but later she told me that she always enjoyed it when I was willing to stand up for my beliefs. Of course I did it in a presentable manner (most of the time).

[Majestic]

Can I ask something here, and I don't mean anything bad by it, so please no one bring that up OK.

I understand how arranged marriages were a common thing back in the day but how come they are still very much practiced TODAY among most Pakistanis?? I mean some people I know their gradparents had an arranged marriage, their parents have a arranged marriage, and they also have had an arranged marriage, where will it end?

[Afia]

Originally posted by Majestic:
Can I ask something here, and I don't mean anything bad by it, so please no one bring that up OK.

I understand how arranged marriages were a common thing back in the day but how come they are still very much practiced TODAY among most Pakistanis?? I mean some people I know their gradparents had an arranged marriage, their parents have a arranged marriage, and they also have had an arranged marriage, where will it end?

why do you think it should come to end .....?

the kind of behaviour is not a must with arranged ones
i have no single example of love marriage around me.....but i am quite happy to say i have never witnessed anything like this as described by 714

[Majestic]

Originally posted by Afia:



why do you think it should come to end .....?

the kind of behaviour is not a must with arranged ones
i have no single example of love marriage around me.....but i am quite happy to say i have never witnessed anything like this as described by 714

Why do most people, who ever they may be think of "LOVE Marragies" as a WESTERN thing. I think most people are just brainwashed in thinking like this. Its kinda really sad

[Afia]

Originally posted by Majestic:


Why do most people, who ever they may be think of "LOVE Marragies" as a WESTERN thing. I think most people are just brainwashed in thinking like this. Its kinda really sad

Majestic

i never mentioned that i take it as some WESTERN thing

it was just my view

and by the way .......isn't it really western...? i mean it was not practised at least in pakistn until recently

back to topic
i think it has more to do with education etc. than love/arranged marriage

[Majestic]

Originally posted by Afia:

back to topic
i think it has more to do with education etc. than love/arranged marriage

I don't think it has to do with education or any sort of marriage, I think it has to do with the type of person, education does not change much people, I have seen this first hand!

and I still do not think its a western thing because history has showed us many examples.

[heart beat]

if you look back at the history of the west, you will notice that arranged marriage was part of their culture too......and cultures tend to evolve!

bottom line: Neither arranged nor love marriage emblems "So they lived happily ever after!" Its upto U!

Its in human nature to blame the "system " if something doesn't work out.

[Dj_Aqua]

yaar 714 jis ghar mein bohot pyaar hota hai na wahan per thori c larayi bhi....mein yeh nahi kehti my parents dont argue....but as we r getting mature they r also getting mature and they dont argue tht much atleast in front of us...

and trsut me as time passes....parents bohot change ho jatey hein....they know tht they r our role model...

so just dont worry inshallah sub theek ho jaye ga........its normal for desi families to do these types of things.....