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    What should we do....

    This particular nephew of my wife is pretty dear to me and he truly is like a son for me. I had a really big influence on his life he was working as a manager at Ernst and Young, I took him out to the mountains, we hiked, did white water rafting and ATV on mountains and stuff. He was sad that he never enjoyed his life before and quit his job and went backpacking around the world so now I feel a responsibility towards him, we showed him a couple of girls this amazing doctor who is very dear to us and has great values and completely non-materialistic girl and also another girl who is a Pharmacist and her dad is a huge land developer yet very humble and he says he doesn't feel attracted to these girls.

    He just called and he is now dating a Lahori girl in NY working for a bank she was married before to a nonmuslim rich banker, he is saying that she showed a lot of concern about his finances. He has started a business and is really growing fast but he is careless about presenting himself and drives a chitty honda and sometimes doesn't dress to kill, although he is a very handsome guy, He says she worries a lot about money and stuff and the other concern she has is that he socially drinks. I am thinking they are so dissimilar, he is very down to earth has slept in the jungles, in the mountains, in 3 dollar hotels and here is the material girl. Somehow marrying a non-Muslim is okay but social drinking isn't. So how is drinking a bigger sin then her sleeping with him before a marriage commitment or marrying a non muslim. Hypocricy just bugs the hell out of me.

    He called for advice and is giving me this BS about I am gonna be myself and I told him you can't do that with people like her and go dressed to kill and like a prince that he is.

    Thankfully he didn't tell the gold digger about their properties. I don't force my will on youngsters but I so hope that he doesn't end up marrying her.

    His mother passed away so he looks up to us and this will be so devastating. I think not marrying the Doctor would be the biggest mistake of his life. Should I be more forceful or just let him do his own chit.

    #2
    Re: What should we do....

    Who drinks? The girl or the boy? Bit confused there.
    Also he's a grown man, if he wants to marry her then it's up to him. You can advise him but it's his Life and he can make and learn from his own mistakes. Not sure why shes concerned about his finances. Sounds a bit weird. And dating is haram in Islam as well as drinking but again that's up to the individual. They can do what they want and they can face the consequences themselves afterward too.

    He didn't like the girls you showed him so why ruin those girls lives by marrying them to a man who doesn't want to be married to them?
    Like I said you can advise but it's his decision. And where is his father? Is he an orphan?

    Comment


      #3
      Re: What should we do....

      Agreed with Thornewood .

      If you dont mind me asking , is he muslim? The doctor girl and the pharmacist girl , are they muslim? do they drink as well?

      As such , To each their own , but the reason why i asked this question is because if the girls are muslim and non drinkers , its best that this boy stays away from them . I dont think girls , as highly educated as them would appreciate a man who is into dating and drinking. The fact is , if he is after this materialistic girl , obviously he appreciates her and hence is going after her. Her materialistic nature is what attracts him .

      So I suggest you advise him a few times and help him analyze himself as well and then step back and let him be in his life and face his own decisions.
      The Prophet Muhammad SAW reported that the Satan said to Allah: "I shall continue to lead Thy servants astray as long as their spirits are in their bodies." And Allah replied: "(Then) I shall continue to pardon them as long as they ask for My forgiveness." [Al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 742]

      Comment


        #4
        Re: What should we do....

        Originally posted by Chicken Biryani View Post
        Agreed with Thornewood .

        If you dont mind me asking , is he muslim? The doctor girl and the pharmacist girl , are they muslim? do they drink as well?

        As such , To each their own , but the reason why i asked this question is because if the girls are muslim and non drinkers , its best that this boy stays away from them . I dont think girls , as highly educated as them would appreciate a man who is into dating and drinking. The fact is , if he is after this materialistic girl , obviously he appreciates her and hence is going after her. Her materialistic nature is what attracts him .

        So I suggest you advise him a few times and help him analyze himself as well and then step back and let him be in his life and face his own decisions.
        The doctor is slightly more muslim than the pharmacist, he is not a regular drinker but just a social drinker. He is the kindest. funniest and the most big hearted person I know. I haven't seen any desi man as kind and gentle as him.

        There is a new phenomenon out there and it is called social Muslims and scores of his friends identify with that
        The girl is willing to compromise on his drinking and him being a social muslim. But she says he has to be discreet about it, She wants to raise kids muslims. I googled her and she is a legal advisor for a major bank so I guess she is doing okay financially. We just don't like money oriented people. The other girls were not money oriented. Never for one second did they talk about money and this one hounded him for finances, He is saying she is insecure as she had gone from riches to rags after her father died and her BIL and also brother dont make money and she doesnt want her man to be like that.

        Good advice, I think I will let him be and I guess he can decide. His older brother married a hindu girl and she is an amazing mom and wife. I think people should focus more on love.

        I used to be like him and go after difficult girls then I realized that it was the challenge I liked and not the girl.

        She explicitly told him that bw the two of them she wants to make 250 to 300k and wants a Benz n stuff

        Comment


          #5
          Re: What should we do....

          OMG...she's one of those gold diggers..I hate girls like that..No matter how hot they are, always worrying about money.
          Ya, a "muslim" girl marrying a non muslim, who dates, and has pre-marital sex and doesn't want her man to drink..Let me guess she doesn't want him to eat pork too..
          Well its not my job to judge..thats Allah's job....and I lol'd at the being discreet part. She must really like him to throw that one issue out the window.

          Either way...social muslims as you call it, usually end up marrying other social muslims. A strong hard line in defining a social muslim is drinking so what you're saying makes alot of sense. On minder i see tons of them, so it might be something he wants to try.., either way, I would still mention my 2 cents and let him make his own decision.
          omae wa mou shindeiru

          Comment


            #6
            Re: What should we do....

            Originally posted by Bobby1 View Post
            The doctor is slightly more muslim than the pharmacist, he is not a regular drinker but just a social drinker. He is the kindest. funniest and the most big hearted person I know. I haven't seen any desi man as kind and gentle as him.

            There is a new phenomenon out there and it is called social Muslims and scores of his friends identify with that
            The girl is willing to compromise on his drinking and him being a social muslim. But she says he has to be discreet about it, She wants to raise kids muslims. I googled her and she is a legal advisor for a major bank so I guess she is doing okay financially. We just don't like money oriented people. The other girls were not money oriented. Never for one second did they talk about money and this one hounded him for finances, He is saying she is insecure as she had gone from riches to rags after her father died and her BIL and also brother dont make money and she doesnt want her man to be like that.

            Good advice, I think I will let him be and I guess he can decide. His older brother married a hindu girl and she is an amazing mom and wife. I think people should focus more on love.

            I used to be like him and go after difficult girls then I realized that it was the challenge I liked and not the girl.

            She explicitly told him that bw the two of them she wants to make 250 to 300k and wants a Benz n stuff

            Being a discreet social drinking Muslim is not going to help raise good Muslims. Children are clever and they will not understand double standards. Obviously it's up to the individual whatever they want to do but a Muslim must submit to his Lord all the time not just whenever he feels like it.
            That's the problem with this kind of hypocrisy in our society today. Everyone wants their cake and eat it too. Focusing on love isn't going to be a good excuse when you're being questioned by your Creator.
            I apologise for going off topic.

            I hope he finds the right girl for him and I hope he is guided to the straight path. May Allah guide us all, we are all sinners at the end of the day. Ameen.

            Comment


              #7
              Re: What should we do....

              Originally posted by NaanGuard View Post
              OMG...she's one of those gold diggers..I hate girls like that..No matter how hot they are, always worrying about money.
              Ya, a "muslim" girl marrying a non muslim, who dates, and has pre-marital sex and doesn't want her man to drink..Let me guess she doesn't want him to eat pork too..
              Well its not my job to judge..thats Allah's job....and I lol'd at the being discreet part. She must really like him to throw that one issue out the window.

              Either way...social muslims as you call it, usually end up marrying other social muslims. A strong hard line in defining a social muslim is drinking so what you're saying makes alot of sense. On minder i see tons of them, so it might be something he wants to try.., either way, I would still mention my 2 cents and let him make his own decision.

              Reminds me of this thread..



              http://gupshup.org/gs/relationships/...igger-bad.html
              Attitude is more important than facts.
              "Life is 10% what happens to us..and 90% of how we react to it"

              Comment


                #8
                Re: What should we do....

                Originally posted by SID_NY View Post

                I'm more impressed by the fact you remember a thread from 2011

                But I enjoyed reading that thread though..
                omae wa mou shindeiru

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: What should we do....

                  Originally posted by Thornewood9 View Post
                  Being a discreet social drinking Muslim is not going to help raise good Muslims. Children are clever and they will not understand double standards. Obviously it's up to the individual whatever they want to do but a Muslim must submit to his Lord all the time not just whenever he feels like it.
                  That's the problem with this kind of hypocrisy in our society today. Everyone wants their cake and eat it too. Focusing on love isn't going to be a good excuse when you're being questioned by your Creator.
                  I apologise for going off topic.

                  I hope he finds the right girl for him and I hope he is guided to the straight path. May Allah guide us all, we are all sinners at the end of the day. Ameen.
                  Fros parents were very practicing Muslims, they had gatherings on Fridays, they did Taraweeh n stuff at home and religion was a big part of their life. They helped build mosques n stuff and yet he didn't follow that. Eventually, children will make up their own mind..this materialistic stuff is making my stomach turn and she has yelled at him also. I think being a lawyer has gotten to her head.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: What should we do....

                    Originally posted by Bobby1 View Post
                    The doctor is slightly more muslim than the pharmacist, he is not a regular drinker but just a social drinker. He is the kindest. funniest and the most big hearted person I know. I haven't seen any desi man as kind and gentle as him.

                    There is a new phenomenon out there and it is called social Muslims and scores of his friends identify with that
                    The girl is willing to compromise on his drinking and him being a social muslim. But she says he has to be discreet about it, She wants to raise kids muslims. I googled her and she is a legal advisor for a major bank so I guess she is doing okay financially. We just don't like money oriented people. The other girls were not money oriented. Never for one second did they talk about money and this one hounded him for finances, He is saying she is insecure as she had gone from riches to rags after her father died and her BIL and also brother dont make money and she doesnt want her man to be like that.

                    Good advice, I think I will let him be and I guess he can decide. His older brother married a hindu girl and she is an amazing mom and wife. I think people should focus more on love.

                    I used to be like him and go after difficult girls then I realized that it was the challenge I liked and not the girl.

                    She explicitly told him that bw the two of them she wants to make 250 to 300k and wants a Benz n stuff
                    You don't really know though. Doesn't matter how much money you make if you're expenses exceed your income.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: What should we do....

                      Originally posted by Thornewood9 View Post
                      Being a discreet social drinking Muslim is not going to help raise good Muslims. Children are clever and they will not understand double standards. Obviously it's up to the individual whatever they want to do but a Muslim must submit to his Lord all the time not just whenever he feels like it.
                      That's the problem with this kind of hypocrisy in our society today. Everyone wants their cake and eat it too. Focusing on love isn't going to be a good excuse when you're being questioned by your Creator.
                      I apologise for going off topic.

                      I hope he finds the right girl for him and I hope he is guided to the straight path. May Allah guide us all, we are all sinners at the end of the day. Ameen.
                      Everyone believes in his own way. Some are comfortable with just the tag and others go for complete devotion. Maybe those women were interested in just the tag and cultural familiarity. A union isn't destined for failure if the parties have slight religious differences. However, I wouldn't recommend a Hijabi(voluntary hijab usually signals extreme devotion to religion) marry a social drinker. She'd just make him miserable with her religious lectures and she'd make herself miserable thinking she's going to hell for staying married to her heathen husband.

                      People who're really serious about religion usually ask about it pretty early into the talks. Do you pray? no. Fast during ramadan? no. Believe in allah? *crickets*. Ok bye!


                      If she ain't asking for details she doesn't really care. Hopefully

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Re: What should we do....

                        He has rented a romantic cottage for the two of them for the weekend so that is okay but a drink here n there is such a big issue. I discussed this situation with some young ladies here and they think this is a horrible thing. She harassed him to disclose his balance sheet, profits etc. He is very close to me and if she is married to him I can't see myself interacting with them a lot. His brothers Hindu wife seems a lot nicer human and never talks money. We are very close to her and she face times us every month.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Re: What should we do....

                          Originally posted by Takumi View Post
                          Everyone believes in his own way. Some are comfortable with just the tag and others go for complete devotion. Maybe those women were interested in just the tag and cultural familiarity. A union isn't destined for failure if the parties have slight religious differences. However, I wouldn't recommend a Hijabi(voluntary hijab usually signals extreme devotion to religion) marry a social drinker. She'd just make him miserable with her religious lectures and she'd make herself miserable thinking she's going to hell for staying married to her heathen husband.

                          People who're really serious about religion usually ask about it pretty early into the talks. Do you pray? no. Fast during ramadan? no. Believe in allah? *crickets*. Ok bye!


                          If she ain't asking for details she doesn't really care. Hopefully
                          He prays, he fasts, he even organized a huge Muslim fasting marathon for charity and is very active in the young Muslim community but he is agnostic. He just enjoys the cultural aspects of the religion same as many of his friends.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Re: What should we do....

                            Originally posted by Bobby1 View Post
                            He prays, he fasts, he even organized a huge Muslim fasting marathon for charity and is very active in the young Muslim community but he is agnostic. He just enjoys the cultural aspects of the religion same as many of his friends.
                            That's weird.

                            Why would an agnostic pray and fast? To me, freedom from these rituals and the paranoia associated with them was one the major benefits of leaving religion. No more worrying about was my prayer alright, will it get accepted yada yada yada. To each his own I guess.


                            I was thinking about the term cultural muslim. Not sure if I am one but I am a legal muslim for sure. My Pakistani papers say my religion is Islam and there is no way to get it changed to anything else. You can go from anything to Islam but it does not work the other way around. You're stuck with Islam if you were born to legally muslim parents or you made the mistake of converting to the religion.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: What should we do....

                              Originally posted by SaeedinPakistan View Post
                              That's weird.

                              Why would an agnostic pray and fast? To me, freedom from these rituals and the paranoia associated with them was one the major benefits of leaving religion. No more worrying about was my prayer alright, will it get accepted yada yada yada. To each his own I guess.


                              I was thinking about the term cultural muslim. Not sure if I am one but I am a legal muslim for sure. My Pakistani papers say my religion is Islam and there is no way to get it changed to anything else. You can go from anything to Islam but it does not work the other way around. You're stuck with Islam if you were born to legally muslim parents or you made the mistake of converting to the religion.
                              There is a large group of his friends who are all born and raised here and they all enjoy the bonding, the celebrations the rituals etc. Ramadan and Eid provide incredible feasts bonding and celebrations. Most Christians I know are cultural Christians also.

                              Do you have American citizenship yet?

                              Comment

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