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    Rishta related advice needed

    Hi all

    So I needed some advice regarding a rishta situation and decided to sign up instead of lurking to ask for help. My family is currently talking to a family for my rishta, but the aunty has made a request which we're not sure is normal or not. She does want to move forward with things, however she recently asked my mom for numbers for my friends (from school or university) or numbers of some relatives of ours who know me, so she can ask people about me. I understand that people can ask for references (in Pakistan people ask for references etc), but I just feel it's an unusual request (because it almost feels like a job interview) - then again my family and I don't have much experience with stuff like this, because in my family most rishtas are within the family itself (and this family is not related to us, hence they want to do more 'background checking' i guess). I am happy to give numbers for people, not like I have something to hide, but I'm just confused about what to think about all this, if it's a red flag or if this is relatively normal? If families don't know each other from before is it common for people to make requests like these? Any help would be great, thank you!

    #2
    Re: Rishta related advice needed

    you ask for his references. if they check out ok then proceed by giving yours...Theek?
    Life is NOT measured by the number of breaths we take but the moments that take our breath away!!!
    16 breaths a minute, 23040 a day...NO one knows which one will be their LAST!

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      #3
      Re: Rishta related advice needed

      ill be weirded out if prospective MIL wanted to call up my friends :/

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        #4
        Re: Rishta related advice needed

        ^Yeah, the friends thing is a bit strange.. and wouldn't they feel a bit awkward as well?

        Why not just get to know you like normal people would..
        Confidence is silent, insecurities are loud..

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          #5
          Re: Rishta related advice needed

          I think its a weird request especially in regards to your friends. As a friend I think I would find it weird if your MIL called me to ask about you. I mean what am I suppose to say? .. And what if I dont say much and they take that as a sign and call the rishta off? .. Or I say something, which they find offensive or rude or whatever? .. I'm not sure I would give my friends no. out to a prospective rishta. If they wanna do a background check on me and my family, I'm sure there are many ways of doing so without having to drag my friends into this.
          Procrastination at its finest .. Thats me =)

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            #6
            Re: Rishta related advice needed

            What they are asking for is not a norm but there could be one or more bad previous experiences in the family which are making them over cautious this time. If you and your family feel that everything else about them is alright, don't hesitate in sharing those details as there is nothing wrong in it.

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              #7
              Re: Rishta related advice needed

              as i said, ask for their references...ask for the guy's friend's numbers...i'm sure he'll back off. this is how desi men work...when it comes to them, it's a big NO NO!
              Life is NOT measured by the number of breaths we take but the moments that take our breath away!!!
              16 breaths a minute, 23040 a day...NO one knows which one will be their LAST!

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                #8
                Re: Rishta related advice needed

                one should also do a credit check.

                but nonetheless, how dare they.

                red flag.
                Are you planning on shampooing these dirty koalas?

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                  #9
                  Re: Rishta related advice needed

                  It looks like they're trying to exercise due diligence, which is normal. I've known of people asking friends/acquaintances/possible acquaintances about the background of a potential rishta. What strikes me as unusual here is that it's all done behind the person's back. In the few cases I've been asked about someone, they've also told me not to mention anything about their inquiry to the potential rishta.
                  Tell your assassin to aim for her head...because she doesn't have a heart.

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                    #10
                    Re: Rishta related advice needed

                    It's definitely not normal. Most people ask around in the neighbourhood, college or workplace. However, it's usually done independently without your knowledge. This is done to gain an objective perspective; if you were to give them the references, you'll most likely only refer them to people who have good things to say about you. So for instance, if a guy/girl is a smoker or has a bad reputation in college/workplace, the chances of you finding out about this are higher if you ask random classmates/colleagues vs. only asking the really close friends who can cover it up very easily.

                    You can tell them you're concerned about privacy because at this point you haven't told that many people and it's certainly not the norm in your family to make the news public unless an engagement has happened. That way you don't have to involve friends or distant acquaintances. You can provide names of close family (like khalas, phuphu, chachi, etc) and let them know generally which college/uni you went to so if they choose to do some checks on their own, they're welcome to.
                    Kabhi kahin lag jaaye dil to, kahin phir dil na lage.

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                      #11
                      Re: Rishta related advice needed

                      it's a bit intrusive. surely a simple google or facebook stalking is good enough. besides they are your friends so they won't say anything negative. I think it's a bit too much. My friend had to go through a similar process to get a job in defence department and in public service. never heard anything like this happening for rishtas.

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                        #12
                        Re: Rishta related advice needed

                        My parents have been asked about boys that worked at their businesses, but because my dad was their boss/prior employer, and could tell the girls' family that yes, he's a responsible kid, and this is what he's planning to do with his life, OR he was the biggest laziest ass you'll ever meet, never showed up on time, was rude to people, and isn't going anywhere, and oh by the way, he has a drug problem.

                        But that was done behind the guy's back, so the prospective groom never knew my dad had been contacted. Also, in another situation, we were helping a family with a rishta and the girl lived around here, so they had us ask around some guys who had gone to college with her as to what her rep was, and they all said she studied and kept to herself and other girls, and didn't date.

                        So yeah, be careful folks, anything you do, even if a harmless date in college, can be dug up and used against you later.
                        I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

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                          #13
                          Re: Rishta related advice needed

                          jesus christ, and let's add another wrench in ther.e....how do you know your relatives won't badmouth you to mess up your rishta? Or you have hte bad luck of having more "frenemies" than friends? eh eh eh?
                          The grass ain't always greener on the other side, it's green where you water it.

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                            #14
                            Re: Rishta related advice needed

                            University friends is a bit weird - she wants to talk to the girls?

                            It would be fine if it was just family friends or relatives but speaking to your peers in school is a bit strange.
                            Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames. ~ Rumi

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                              #15
                              Re: Rishta related advice needed

                              Sara, instead of our community getting involved and being friendly and good to each other, even families are down at odds with one another viewing each other with suspicion. Because every family knows that it's become difficult to work with other families, and marriages are increasingly failing,and it's harder and harder to find a girl who will dance to your tune no matter how much you abuse her.

                              Bewaqoofi seriously, why not just talk to the girl and get to know her better?
                              I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

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