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    Domestic Violence

    K well i am in a rut right now. My newlywed khala ( 2 years of marriage) is experiencing domestic violence. The story goes like this:<BR>My khala married her cousin (love marriage). Her cousin had a HUGE temper, my mom and everybody told her not to marry him but she fought for him and eventually got married. He lives in London so she moved from pakistan to london. Everything was going good, until... her khala (and saas) came to visit london.&nbsp; Her khala is always putting her down. She expects my aunt to spend all her time with her and my aunt cannot do that. Her khala does not work and my aunt has to cook, clean, take care of her daugther and her husband, his brother (that lives with them) and his mother.
    My khala's BIL got into a fight with her and told her husband that he should beat her. Her saas also said the same thing. (this happened before)Just yesturday I found out that my khala got tired of always listening and cleaning after her MIL so she told her mother in law to 'at least take the hairs out of the hairbrush after she uses them' and her khala got pissed and over reactted. I don't know what happened after that but my khala said that he husband dragged her violently out of thier house, slapped her 2-3 times in secret and left her there. When she tried to come back home he kicked her out again. THE MOFO ! I always had hated him BEFORE they got married . My khala also told my mom that during her pregnancy once he pushed her so hard onto the bed and held her hand so hard that it became 'nila' (is that blue in english?). She also fainted in the washroom once during her pregnancy. Everyone thought that it was because she didn't have enough iron or was not eating enough but we found out yesturday that it was because of the stress her husband caused her. When my parents were talking with them to make them understand my khala's husband was being all sweet. If my khala didn't tell my mom what really happened we never would have known.
    My khala told her family back in pakistan too so it caused shame for him and now they are blaming my choti khala for thier shame :[ ! The family is causing my khala both mental, emotional and physical pain. She was crying so bad yesturday. and you know what her husband said when my mom told him not to hit her again? " Baji, i promise I have said sorry and feel really ashamed and I will never hit her again but she has to listen to me." Like WTH if she doesn't listen to you will beat her again? WTF u lowlife.

    I am totally for them getting divorced. I mean woman beater's really do not change. But everybody is calling me a 'jahil' and were encouraging my aunt and khalo to get on good terms with each other again. They told her (and him) to do it for thier newborn daugther and told her that "tumhara bacha kon paley ga? Agar tum pakistan chali gahi to tumhare bhai, bhen, abbu, ammi, kab tak palein ghe?" . My mom also tells her (like she did before too) that " ______ ka ghusa bohot hai, usko is haad tak nahin lejayo ke woh hanta peyti pe a jaye". She only has a Bcomm too so she can't really earn for herself. I know he is a two faced man. Acts good and nice infront of others but a diff personality when he is mad. I mean sure you can have a bad temper but to result to woman beating?! You didn't buy her has a slave you married her and should give her the respect she deserves. Ohh wait i remembered why he got mad at my aunt and kicked her out. He wanted her to say sorry to his mom and since she didn't do anything she asked 'why should i do it when I didn't do anything?" My mom also told my aunt that do not feel quilty for telling us. If it happens again tell us or call the police. It will happen again but what if this time it becomes worse. What if he does force her to stay quiet? What if she gets pregnant again and then will have two mouths to feed by herself instead of once (if they seperate).

    My mom has also been saying **** about my khala's husband all day but can't say it to his face because what if he hurts my aunt more? He isn't bad in regular but his temper is really really really bad.

    Sorry for the long post. I really needed to get it out of my system. Nobody is listening to me and I feel so helpless. I read on domestic violence and everything that is listed about it is happening to her and everything that is predicted (future things that happen in domestic violence) I have a feeling will happen.They are happy and back together again but how long will it last this time?

    What do you guys think? Is he going to change now that he has the pressure of all the relatives or will he continue to do this? should i stay quiet or call a helpline about it (i will probably be killed with the lectures if they ever find out but I am willing to do it for my aunt).

    #2
    Re: Domestic Violence

    Oh wow, I am so sorry about your khala. Unfortunately, if a man hits once and on several occasions, he really can't change his ways after. They always say it starts with a shove or a push before it becomes a full-fledged abusive relationship which it has become now. I personally would never want to stay with a man who was capable of that, esp. while I was pregnant! At the same time, I dont know your family dynamic and since most people are encouraging her to stay with him regardless of knowing all that, then I dont think she'll get that support to divorce him. There are children involved also which makes it harder but I would full on support a divorce in this situation. No man who hits his wife (drags, slaps, WTF is wrong with him?!) or is abusive even during her pregnancy deserves any more chances.
    "Creativity and originality lie not in the avoidance of established forms, but in the imaginative use of them" Some smart wiz.

    Comment


      #3
      Re: Domestic Violence

      One of my cousins recently got divorced. Her husband was an ass...two-faced..double standards..criminal mentality...a guy with really warped mentality. The adults in my family (my mom, dad, khalas, others) could tell that this guy was trouble...that he didn't have the right intentions. In spite of that my mom....even though she wanted to cuss him out....tried to talk gently to him....because she thought he might hurt her if she were to piss him off. Yeah, they don't change easily. My cousin made very effort to patch things up with him...but everyone in the family realizes that she's better off without him. The police was called on him of his creepy, abusive, mentality/actions. She's starting her own life ...a new life...outside of Pakistan (which is where her husband is settled). She does not know English..but she's learning. She's going to have a better future there than she would have had with society's (and even worse..family's) taunts and pitying/condescending comments in Pak. She's in a better/safer environment...taking language classes...she'll become more independent...get a job...she'd doing well. There's more dignity and self-respect where she's currently at. The elders were hesitant to call the cops...but one of m relos did so..and everyone thought it was the right decision. Any further hesitation to call (in my cousin's case) could potentially have resulted in her getting seriously hurt ...even losing her life.
      Last edited by redvelvet; Nov 21, 2011, 08:44 PM.

      Comment


        #4
        Re: Domestic Violence

        You can't even reason with such people ...especially the guy's mom....to think about how they'd feel if their own daugther/sister was treated like that. I their conscience/zameer is so far gone by this point that it won't do much good. It's sad. Knowing what my own cousin went through...I'm not averse to the idea of placing an anonymous call to a helpline....but I don't know if that will help matters or result in even worse abuse that takes place secretly. You know your relatives better than I do. There are so many things that she needs to think about and there's no excuse for his behavior. However, if she's going to stay with him.....then she'll have to be more careful about what things trigger him. If things will improve after the guy's mommy leaves....then she'lll just have to put up with the MIL's annoying habits until then. I feel sort of wrong for saying this....but if she's not going to leave him....then she needs to be careful about things. They both need to be careful/have some control if they want to give this marriage a shot....though bad habits die hard.

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          #5
          Re: Domestic Violence

          A lesson for the girls who jump of the love cliff with open eyes . May Allah help her . Ameen .
          -- Nauman --

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            #6
            Re: Domestic Violence

            Its called cycle of domestic violence . It never ends . Women should educate each other about it .

            cycleofviolence.gif
            -- Nauman --

            Comment


              #7
              Re: Domestic Violence

              Originally posted by NaMaan View Post
              A lesson for the girls who jump of the love cliff with open eyes .
              I get what you mean but domestic violence doesn't only happen in love marriages.

              Comment


                #8
                Re: Domestic Violence

                Originally posted by TT View Post
                I get what you mean but domestic violence doesn't only happen in love marriages.
                Agree but usually I saw women get in to a marriage to get over with it . Just to be 'called' married , doesn't matter how violent guy's personality is .
                -- Nauman --

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: Domestic Violence

                  Personally I don't think I could stay in the marriage. My trust would be shattered and I won't be able to look at him/respect him in the same way again. Can't have a relationship without these things.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: Domestic Violence

                    I just don't understand how/why guys would hit their woman. :s
                    I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: Domestic Violence

                      Originally posted by sammi4ever View Post
                      What do you guys think? Is he going to change now that he has the pressure of all the relatives or will he continue to do this? should i stay quiet or call a helpline about it (i will probably be killed with the lectures if they ever find out but I am willing to do it for my aunt).
                      He will not change. He will manipulate your aunt in a way that she stays quiet about the abuse. I know from experience that when the situation is this bad relatives and people in the community don't want be to actively involved because they themselves are intimidated by the abuser and don't want to get involved in courts and the police.
                      If you really want to help your aunt then take photos of the abuse. Take photos of your aunt if she looks battered. If she does decide to court someday, which she should and you should encourage her to, photo evidence will be very helpful in her case.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Re: Domestic Violence

                        Sammi, is the guy's dad abusive? Maybe he learned such behavior from his parents...or it's a disorder (bipolar, control issues, etc). I find it even sadder that his mom was supporting the abuse...encouraging her son to hit his wife. How much hatred do you have for your DIL to reach that level of thinking...your ego must have been that wounded. Pathetic.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Re: Domestic Violence

                          "What do you guys think? Is he going to change now that he has the pressure of all the relatives or will he continue to do this? should i stay quiet or call a helpline about it (i will probably be killed with the lectures if they ever find out but I am willing to do it for my aunt)."

                          If only there were more caring folks such as yourself, who are willing to act even at the risk of personal anguish.

                          He will not change - since he has shown no genuine remorse. I am all for 2nd or 3rd chances, but when the perpetrator shows absolutely no genuine remorse, he does not deserve the benefit of the doubt.

                          Report him to the police and get your khala to safety. A BCom is a good education - she will survive.

                          It appears all of them are ganging up on your khala - her BIL, khala(saas), husband. That is even more evil - when her dignity is being methodically destroyed. Do it before it is too late. I see no turn around happening any time soon.
                          Why isn't the Dividend story among the featured threads?

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Re: Domestic Violence

                            Originally posted by redvelvet View Post
                            Sammi, is the guy's dad abusive? Maybe he learned such behavior from his parents...or it's a disorder (bipolar, control issues, etc). I find it even sadder that his mom was supporting the abuse...encouraging her son to hit his wife. How much hatred do you have for your DIL to reach that level of thinking...your ego must have been that wounded. Pathetic.
                            Most of the domestic violences cases in the desi community that I have heard of the in-laws were well aware of the abuse but didn't bother to do anything about it.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: Domestic Violence

                              Originally posted by NaMaan View Post
                              Agree but usually I saw women get in to a marriage to get over with it . Just to be 'called' married , doesn't matter how violent guy's personality is .
                              Immense pressure for women to get married in our culture should also be blamed for this.

                              Comment

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