For the Guppans....

[redvelvet]

Let's say.........hypothetically speaking (don'tchya just love that word?)....you're married and you have an extramarital affair. Your husband doesn't know and at some point down the road....you end the affair (your conscience kicks in, etc) because you realize that you want to stay in your marriage. So, here are the questions:

1) Would you tell your husband about it...or...would you decide that ignorance is bliss?

2) Would the decision to tell your spouse be based upon whether or not the affair was sexual?

3) If you had kids....would that make you lean more toward keeping it a secret?

[Guac]

Re: For the Guppans....

1) depends but I would think yes
2) Yes
3) Yes

[Pepsi ki Botal]

Re: For the Guppans....

I wouldn't get into a marriage without being 100% sure that i am ready to commit. Cheating is never ever ever ever acceptable. Divorce the person and then act upon your desires. Doesn't sound as exciting all of a sudden, does it.

[redvelvet]

Re: For the Guppans....

I wouldn't get into a marriage without being 100% sure that i am ready to commit. Cheating is never ever ever ever acceptable. Divorce the person and then act upon your desires. Doesn't sound as exciting all of a sudden, does it.

Generally speaking.....most people go into a marriage with the desire of making it work/last...of being faithful to their partner, etc. It's not unusual for a person's feelings to be very strong going into something....and then to experience ups and downs later on....and this can be applied to other situations besides marriage. You go into a new job believing you'll give it your all and focus on work, etc.....and then during the year...you experiencs ups and downs in attitude, energy, etc. NO I AM NOT TRYING TO JUSTIFY INFIDELITY.

Of course, cheating is NEVER acceptable. There is a more decent/shareef/halal way of going about things. But that's not what the question asked, Pepsi. The question was......HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING.......if you found yourself in an extramartital affair.....which you later ended so that you can concentrate on your marriage................................what would YOU (as an individual) do? ***Don't tell me that cheating is wrong and that people should be sure of their maturity/commitment level when saying "I do." These points are no-brainers.....we all know that....you're just stating the obvious. Just tell me what YOU....as an individual would do.....if you (hypothetically) mucked up in your marriage like that?

[Pepsi ki Botal]

Re: For the Guppans....

^why are you yelling at me :khums:

i'd never keep it a secret.

[redvelvet]

Re: For the Guppans....

^why are you yelling at me :khums:
i'd never keep it a secret.

Err...I wasn't yelling at you. I put two points in all caps...to emphasize that in no way am I condoning infidelity and also to emphasize that it's a hypothetical situation. You can't hear a person's tone of voice or see their facial expressions when discussing things online...which leaves greater room for misassumptions. But again, I'm not yelling. Just wanted to know what you (as an individual) would do as opposed to a general post about what is morally right/wrong.

[mirage]

Re: For the Guppans....

why there has to be a third way like this in the situation always? Either you be faithful to the relationship you are in (marital) or you just quit and then you are free to decide. Having an extra marital affair means more there was some deprivation in the marriage already, from whoever's side it be, but there was some reason for it to begin with. If it were my partner, to be blamed, I shouldnt remain in the relationship and be manipulated in the name of it, if it is me than its ever scarier. If I couldnt make my first marriage work im not left with much hopes in extra marital affair and all that. I dont think there is any way back in such situations, only hypocrite people can manage this. Telling your husband you had an affair? I m afraid its best suited to the movies only. I dont believe men have patience with this sort of thing. The end result will be separation anyway, (if the husband is not revengous enough or sometimes they dont even give up on you, they vow to make your life a living hell for your lapses to punish you) and if separation it is, why need go baxck to husband and tell him honey im back, had a little extra marital affair on my way but oh every thing is alright now.

[Niksik]

Re: For the Guppans....

I don't even want to think of such a hypothetical situation. I tried to think about it for the sake of this thread but I got shivers and a strange feeling in my belly that made me shudder.

You've got to be a real loser to cheat on your spouse, which we all agree with anyways.

Sorry RV

[zobia]

Re: For the Guppans....

Islamically speaking if you are sorry and constantly asking for forgiveness then u don't have to tell anything to anyone.

[R.A.W.]

Re: For the Guppans....

Extramarital affair is worst then eating sewerage from the gutter. Even though both are sick and dirty (for the soul and body respectively) the latter doesn't involve dishonesty and violation of anyone's rights. The dirt of one is visible to the naked eyes, and that of the other is visible to the vision of the heart, the intensity of which would be disclosed to us in the life hereafter.

Before marriage it might have been logical to hide but after marriage hiding makes it infidelity + cheating/deceiving. Telling yourself (after doing astaghfaar) might not be that destructive as much would be if he found out finally through any other mean. Additionally, not telling immediately might also make a sick mind attractive towards repeating the sick act once getting a chance again. Telling might be very bitter in the beggining but hopefully whatever happens, would prevent the "Guilt of life" and repetition of the sin.

Telling him and bearing the punishment in this world (in any form) would compensate for the punishment in the hereafter and vice versa.

Cases involving kids makes it a difficult issue (even more dirtier in intensity of the sin) to deal with. Such mothers don't deserve a light punishment who didn't even think for a moment about their kid's future. A scholar might tell.

Usually, our religion encourages us not to ask negative questions in general because it might help shaitaan in causing devilish thoughts in people's minds who are not thinking about such matters in their usual life.


p.s. Just my personal views that could be wrong, need to consult a scholar on Islamic perspective.

[Demilitarize]

Re: For the Guppans....

Strictly sticking to the question and situation described, if I want the marriage to work, I dont think Id tell the husband. In fact no, I wouldnt. Ending an affair is putting it completely behind u and bus. Move on. My guilt would make me work harder to make the marriage work. To tell the husband would be to make the affair a lasting thing in the marriage. Either the marriage would end, or it would keep coming up making the marriage worse than it was (im assuming there was something missing in the marriage to make me go out and look for that emotional fulfillment elsewhere)

[queen_24]

Re: For the Guppans....

will never keep it a secret whatever the consequences I will know I can face!!

but TRULY SPEAKING.. I know it can never happen

[NaMaan]

Re: For the Guppans....

Well I don't understand how telling your spouse would clean the slate , like nothing happened . My common sense tells me that it will only worsen the situation .

Btw are we somehow borrowing this idea of confessing from church ? Because in Islam admitting zinah == chitter parade , and plus we shouldn't be spreading the news of any bad deeds that we have done .

[hareem01]

Re: For the Guppans....

Oh crumbs! I'm so bad at hiding things.

[R.A.W.]

Re: For the Guppans....

Islam tells me to hide my those sins that only concern me and doesn't directly influence the rights of others. For example, drinking,...etc. BUT If I kill or steal (Allah forbid) hiding + astaghfaar wouldn't help me in the hereafter in front of Allah (swt) unless I seek forgiveness from the one whose rights I violated. It is better to not have a soft corner (even in discussions) for those who betray and are unfaithful (Islam says stoning to death by the law), because that would pave way for excuses for sick minds. Secondly, if a person hides and after that enjoys the same level of respect as s/he was having before, then whats the difference between being faithful and being unfaithful. When one confesses and suffers, s/he becomes an example for the rest of the sick minds feeling tempted for a plan in future.

Before hiding, one needs to ask oneself, would I expect my spouse to hide it from me if s/he does it while I still remain faithful to him/her ?! Obviously not, then why should I have a soft corner for myself ?!?