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The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

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    The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

    A friend of mine got married about 2 years ago, a little background. Happily arranged from both families, no financial problems, living in The States, none of these in-law issues on either sides, both professionals, care for each other, no kids.

    The problem. He has a slight gambling problem. In the past year he has been playing online poker/ matched betting and has lost about $1000. As she explains, the issue is the fact that he IS involved in gambling and wasting his time/energy/money/ and of course the religious affects.

    She confronted him about this 3 days ago, and they got into an argument, where she said that she's going into those websites and withdrawing the money on his behalf. Basically he became extremely defensive and slapped her across the face. He has never hit before, BUT he also did not apologize, even until now.

    She's the very traditional type of a girl, that if he had apologized and realized what he had done right there and than, she would move past it and not make a big deal. But because he seems to think his aggression was okay that night, her fear is it will happen again. But she's too scared to take the step of involving family, just because of one slap.

    So her question, is the line drawn at the first slap for a separation or involving the family in this matter? What are the chances he'll do it again, considering he never hit before BUT at this point seems to think he has done nothing wrong. She is too ashamed to go to her parents.

    She'll also be reading this thread.

    #2
    Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

    lemme tell you this...shareef people do NOT hit their wives...if he did, he carries a the 'germ' to become violent when provoked. it's said, how a person handles himself when he/she is in anger tells a lot. even the serial killers are at their best behavior in good times, the monster comes out when he/she is in anger.

    if his gambling problem is NOT checked NOW, it will get worse with addiction setting in him...he should take some professional counseling.

    as far as she taking any action NOW, she should have a SERIOUS talk with him and make it abundantly clear to him that hitting is totally and absolutely UNACCEPTABLE and she would leave him FOR GOOD if he shows any kind of physical, verbal and/or emotional abuse. this time, since he never hit her before, she must give him a SIRST and LAST WARNING!
    Life is NOT measured by the number of breaths we take but the moments that take our breath away!!!
    16 breaths a minute, 23040 a day...NO one knows which one will be their LAST!

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      #3
      Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

      i don't really have anything to say.........but i expect ''divorce''/"break off" being advised in the following posts.... which i wouldn't agree with personally.
      Marr te gaye aaN ........per Chassss aaa gai A

      Comment


        #4
        Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

        it is too early to think separation. i think she could justify his wrong action in the light religion. try to make point politely, if he still consistent on gambling she could stop sharing bed. there are many ways to impose sanctions on husband but again it is too early to file divorce.
        and those who say, Our Lord, Give us, from our spouses and our children, comfort of eyes, and make us heads of the God-fearing.
        [25:74]

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          #5
          Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

          I think his trigger was his obsession over the gambling. I think it has pulled him in too deep and he is prone to be defensive over it. Obsessions have a way of clouding judgement. I think you can expect another slap.

          Id wait for another slap though before involving family.
          I'm sarcastic because it is the body's natural defense against stupid.

          Comment


            #6
            Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

            I think the underlying problem is the gambling its not that this man is drinking or something that is leading him to violent. It is not a random act. I do not condone what he did at all. What im saying is...'divorce' and 'breaking up' will solve anything.

            If they can both work together and towards helping him then inshallah they will be successful.

            However, living in fear is no way for a husband and wife to live.

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              #7
              Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

              i believe that her husband does not consider it bad at all. she should convince him that he is doing wrong.
              and those who say, Our Lord, Give us, from our spouses and our children, comfort of eyes, and make us heads of the God-fearing.
              [25:74]

              Comment


                #8
                Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

                how?

                slap back?

                Originally posted by STA View Post
                i believe that her husband does not consider it bad at all. she should convince him that he is doing wrong.
                I'm sarcastic because it is the body's natural defense against stupid.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

                  Originally posted by Demesne View Post
                  how?

                  slap back?
                  no.

                  post # 4. politeness could meltdown him.
                  and those who say, Our Lord, Give us, from our spouses and our children, comfort of eyes, and make us heads of the God-fearing.
                  [25:74]

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

                    hmm.. perhaps. But u know im seeing this problem as a potential obsession. And people obsessed dont really care abt anything but extreme measures no? the rest they can ignore?
                    I'm sarcastic because it is the body's natural defense against stupid.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

                      Addictions make a person irrational - the need and lust for the addiction makes people act in crazy out of character ways.

                      What she needs to do is somehow get her husband some help to rid him of this addiction, but first he has to admit he has a problem.

                      She needs to sit with him calmly and remain calm and not too emotional and ask him if he thinks what he is doing is wrong.

                      If he says yes then that is one huge step crossed and they can come up with a plan together to get some help, if no then I think she needs help, whether thats family or a professional.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

                        Here is someone talking sense.Then again, take away his money
                        Originally posted by inspiron View Post
                        Addictions make a person irrational - the need and lust for the addiction makes people act in crazy out of character ways.

                        What she needs to do is somehow get her husband some help to rid him of this addiction, but first he has to admit he has a problem.

                        She needs to sit with him calmly and remain calm and not too emotional and ask him if he thinks what he is doing is wrong.

                        If he says yes then that is one huge step crossed and they can come up with a plan together to get some help, if no then I think she needs help, whether thats family or a professional.
                        I'm sarcastic because it is the body's natural defense against stupid.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

                          For me the bigger problem is the reason he slapped his wife. When he knows what he's doing is wrong and is not ashamed about it. On the contrary he gets very defensive and hits her.

                          I would say that your friend should confront him when later things cool down and he's in a receptive mood and talk to him about the entire issue in detail and without any emotions involved. It can be discussed politely. If things do not get better after that, if his gambling doesn't stop or is checked then some elder of the family would need to intervene.

                          Now coming to the slap bit, what he did was very very wrong and such behavior shouldn't be condoned at all but still I think it would blow things out of proportion if the family is involved at this stage. So it's better for them to try talking out over this first and then giving it some time to see if things improve.
                          Train this chaos, turn it into light . . .

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

                            agreed

                            taking his attention away could be a step towards fixing him

                            Originally posted by Demesne View Post
                            hmm.. perhaps. But u know im seeing this problem as a potential obsession. And people obsessed dont really care abt anything but extreme measures no? the rest they can ignore?
                            Are you planning on shampooing these dirty koalas?

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

                              He has an Internet addcition...and she needs to let him know this and urge him to seek help. She needs to sit down...and let him know exactly how she feels about how he's wasting money, how she felt when he hit her, and the religious views on both these matters. If he shows NO remorse whatsoever....does not apologize....persists in his habits......................I say get the family involved and let them know what happened. Why should she feel embarrassed for the thappar? If anything it will embarrass him as it portrays him in a very bad light. Right now there is a lot of tenstion between the two and it will prevent them from having a normal relationship.....the matter has to be addressed if she wants things to get back on track. Despite his jaanwar-like behavior...she should take the higher road by attempting a more civil apprach first (discussing matters with only him)...and involve family when he refuses to respect her and their marriage.

                              It's the idea of him not feeling any shame or remorse for his physical abuse (yes, a slap, even one is abuse)....that really irks me the most about this situation. What a loser.

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