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    Abusive Relationships

    Disclaimer *i know that this is somewhat of a taboo topic to talk about - i have no intention of offending anyone - and if the mods/admin think that this thread is not appropriate, then by all means you can lock it*

    now-a-days you hear a lot about abusive relationsips happening in our own pakistani/muslim communities. and it's quite shocking to hear the things that have happened. i.e. - phyiscal abuse to the point where the police gets called in, etc.
    usually you hear that when a guy/girl goes back home to marry - their mentalities don't match..and so problems occur in the marriage. but arguments and seperations are happening between guy and girl both being born and bred in the western world..

    why is this happening? why is it that the divorce rate in our communities increasing? is it because couples are no longer willing to compromise..or is it because both the guy and the girl are so independant that they can't agree to disagree..

    i was hoping to get some situations that you may have seen ..or been in yourselves - and how you've dealt with them. now, i'm not asking for specific instances or situations (if you feel like discussing those, my PM is always open).
    but just to get a better understanding of what is really going on..and why these things are happening.

    just to share some thoughts..


    #2
    Re: Abusive Relationships

    I think its because women are becoming more aware of the fact that they too have rights to be treated like human beings, and the increase in venues that help women in abuse, thereby allowing women to actually get out of these relationships instead of feeling like they have no other choice. Media plays a big factor, the work lawyers and civil rights activits and women's rights activists are doing in Pakistan (can't speak for other muslim countries) also play big parts.

    In some situations, I think it also has to do with the education women have. Education, for many women, is a form of empowerment. Hell, I'll be honest with you, with a simple bachelors degree, I felt pretty vulnerable a while ago. Now, I'm doing other cool things with my life, and hell, you think I'm going to tolerate it if some guy insults me or abuses me and then at the same time tells me he loves me? Yeah whatever.

    When you have cool goals in life to complete, and you're living the life you want to, you wont let some geezer come in and ruin it for you, because of his insecurities. You'll tell the mofo to get hoppin'.
    I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

    Comment


      #3
      Re: Abusive Relationships

      yeah ..i think education plays a really big part in this. by getting post secondary educations, we grow, we develop and we learn about who we are..and what we want from life.

      but then what's the solution to it? girls aren't gonna stop going to school..or is it the guys that need to realize that we have a mind of our own..and we have decisions that we can make on our own...

      i dunno, but either way it doesn't help the family life grow. just what can be done to remedy the situation?

      Comment


        #4
        Re: Abusive Relationships

        Perhaps abusive males can grow up. You know, realize that controlling the mind and behavior of your partner is not healthy.

        And they wont do it until someone kicks them hard on their behind.
        I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

        Comment


          #5
          Re: Abusive Relationships

          sometimes they don't grow up *and i don't mean to be men-bashing*

          and some girls are quite scared to give them a kick because they are worried about their family life and what's gonna happen. not everyone can just up and walk away from something like that..

          Comment


            #6
            Re: Abusive Relationships

            I personally think inlaws have the biggest hands in breaking marriages. I know alot of marriages which ended up because of the interference of dear mum and sis in laws. I hate the word mother in law and sister in law.

            Comment


              #7
              Re: Abusive Relationships

              my views relate to the general rate of divorce not extreme cases.

              man
              :shut up n make me tea,woman.
              wife:i pay half the bills,i know my rights,so shove it.

              but interestingly ............
              Over 30,000 people were studied for 18 years by Richard Lucas, from Michigan State University and the German Institute of Economic Research, who found that divorced people report a permanently lower enjoyment in life than married people......................Even among those who reported a rise in happiness after the divorce, their overall enjoyment in life never returned to previous levels.
              http://observer.guardian.co.uk/uk_ne...681677,00.html

              @smilestar
              simply knowledge isnt power,its right n constructive application is the real power.we live in a society where the roles of both the husband and wives r traditional while the times r changing. besides that majority of women enter into the institute of marriage with preconcieved ideas.as u may have seen the attitude of some/many women here on gupshup;do u think they wud give their husbands a fair chance?
              All of us have convinced ourselves that our way is the best way, our logic is the perfect logic and those who do not conform to our thinking must be criticized and steered to the right direction, our direction .............. therefore Gupshup exists.

              Comment


                #8
                Re: Abusive Relationships

                ^^

                think abt society induced conditioning of the mental reflexes.
                All of us have convinced ourselves that our way is the best way, our logic is the perfect logic and those who do not conform to our thinking must be criticized and steered to the right direction, our direction .............. therefore Gupshup exists.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: Abusive Relationships

                  frankly speaking...I have never bothered reading much into the subject

                  But as far as the increasing rate of divorce is concerned it has a lot to do with lack of flexibility in partners.
                  I know from my experience, the most valueable asset in any relationship is 'care'. If you are caring for the values n ideologies of your partner and are flexible enough to accomodate her/his choices I can't see how they'll end up divorced. Yes the onus is on both partners BUT remember, its not like a match where if one scored a goal the other must score one too, immediately. Sometimes it does seem just one spouse is putting all effort n hardwork in relationship while the other doesn't seem to care about it. It might not be true though. If you are doing it out of sincerity and for the sake of Almighty, you are bound to enjoy the reciprocation sooner or later...InshaAllah!

                  A while ago I was reading a book, n the author wrote:

                  'Everyone in our society seems to be crying for his/her rights, these days. We have all types of human rights, women rights, labour union type associations but still abuses are geting more common. Its because our society on the whole is being more and more selfish. Quite contrary to this in our Holy Prophet's time , there were no associations for rights but everyone was satisfied. The sole reason was that everybody used to think about his/her duties and not rights.'

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: Abusive Relationships

                    I tend to agree with Afia. Focussing on duty and endeavouring to live upto them instead of shouting for rights should solve this issue. Education empowers women but what kind of empowerment is this that ends up confronting? When its religion, all educated elites propagate to be tolerant while it is ones' right to ruin a family and NGOs and all would hurry up to provide for the cover for that fight for the right. How so elusive and temporary that cover may be, you would see so called empowerment tool activating on the slightest pretext.
                    Marriage is more than a committment and it is more than a responsibility. Contributing financially does not call for to withdraw from social, cultural and moral obligations to keep it workable and plan for its stability.
                    I believe its the sustaniability of the marriage that counts and in it if one lives below poverty line, one should not hesitate going for it. Contribution from wife financially with the condition to have been absolved from moving the family forward to me is worth nothing. Focus on duty is what I stand for.
                    Last edited by Sheeda Tallee; Feb 10, 2006, 06:53 AM.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: Abusive Relationships

                      Originally posted by PyariCgudia
                      Perhaps abusive males can grow up. You know, realize that controlling the mind and behavior of your partner is not healthy.

                      And they wont do it until someone kicks them hard on their behind.
                      Many women are taught not to kick them but to nurture them, to support them, to love them, to serve them. . . because that is, after all, how they will get to heaven.
                      "Girls you've got to know when it's time to turn the page, when you're only wet because of the rain"

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Re: Abusive Relationships

                        Originally posted by SolarOceans
                        Many women are taught not to kick them but to nurture them, to support them, to love them, to serve them. . . because that is, after all, how they will get to heaven.
                        Yeah, if going to heaven is that easy!
                        Keep the marriage issue simpler. i.e. it is there to raise a family in a healthy manner.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Re: Abusive Relationships

                          Why would someone want to be in an abusive relationship? Would u?
                          Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
                          A. Spoiled milk.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Re: Abusive Relationships

                            most marriage ends not because of abuse but because of selfishness and lack of flexibily.
                            it is not because some women can walk away from abusive partners, that divorce increase, but because people nowadays tend to think more about their own confort before the confort of their family!
                            maybe modern feminist are scared to "nurture" their husband and children and finds "not respectable" role to play in family...but men have big responsabilities too, they must earn for the whole extended family, children, wife, parents...sometimes also younger brothers, or jobless relative...everyone has importance and a role to play, everyone is respectable...and everyone in a family is there to support the other, because unitied we stand, divided we fall.
                            but nowadays modern people wanna play the gender war and the generation war, family lives apart, and couples divorce....i'm afraid it is due to the influence of the west....which is slowly penetrating desi family, especially the ones living abroad.
                            you can kill those who tell the truth
                            but you can't kill the truth
                            -means "violence serves lies"-

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: Abusive Relationships

                              ^^ noor is a gem of a woman.
                              All of us have convinced ourselves that our way is the best way, our logic is the perfect logic and those who do not conform to our thinking must be criticized and steered to the right direction, our direction .............. therefore Gupshup exists.

                              Comment

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