Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Getting married within family

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Getting married within family

    how important is this concept to you? i am not saying that i am totally against it but if you wanted to get married outside of our family then there isn't anything wrong with it.. but why do desi parents find it hard to accept.. doesn't matter where they go get a bahu.. the end result (in some cases) is the same.. if they are going to critic everything about her then doesn't matter if she is within family or outside.. sigh

    this is freaking so depressing.. plus this freaking line up system.. pehlay bara bhai ka yeh phir woh .. aarrghh..

    i am so pissed
    mujh sey khushiaan ley gaya aur degya kagaz kay phoool
    abb meray ghar mein paray hain jabaja kagaz kay phoool

    #2
    Re: Getting married within family

    i know exactly what u mean.. but both of them have their issues.. i mean.. marriying inside the family.. i would think abt the kids.. the chance that the kids will have a handicap is bigger..if people marry in family for many generations..
    but marrying outside the family has also its issues.. inside the family there r practically no big secrets.. outside the family u have the chance that u'll find out some big secrets after a while which could have influence on the marriage.. so i wouldn't say that inside the family is better or out of the family is better.. im just telling u a few examples..u just have to think .. r u ready to take some risks..? cuz both of them take risks along with them..u know..
    i know what u mean.. and personally i would choose for marrying outside the family..it's just ma instinct..
    ..Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.. ~IK~

    Comment


      #3
      Re: Getting married within family

      Ansoon, in Pakistani culture, marriage is a family thing. It is not only about a man and a woman getting married, it is actually their whole family. That is the reason why sisters and mothers are so involved in scouting out perspective ristas, rather than the man himself.

      Whenever two people start their life together there are complications, where they need to adjust to each others lifestyles, likes and dislikes, ways of thinking, ambitions etc. Marrying inside the family makes that transition easier, and the two families are more likely to hold similar values and standard of living and thus making that transition smoother.

      Also, one of the bigger reason for cousin marriages in Pakistan is because of the joint family system, where parents live with one of their children or vice versa. In such a situation, cousin marriage will be more likely to succeed and thus there is an emphasis on it.

      That being said, there is nothing wrong with marrying outside the family. In some cases it is actually good to do so. For example, I can't think of my cousins who were raised in the US to marry any of our cousins from back home in Pakistan. They will be totally incompatible. Other reasons might include avoiding some health problems.
      I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
      - Robert McCloskey

      Comment


        #4
        Re: Getting married within family

        I agree that in some cases it is a valid option.. but what if you don't want to marry any of your cousins and your parents insist that you do.. its just wrong.. plain and simple.. i am not going to ruin someone else's and my life just coz my parents wanted to see it happen..
        mujh sey khushiaan ley gaya aur degya kagaz kay phoool
        abb meray ghar mein paray hain jabaja kagaz kay phoool

        Comment


          #5
          Re: Getting married within family

          Ansoon, from my experience parents start off like this and gradually change their views over time.... by time, I mean years, they like family because THEY feel safer... their children are very precious to them so they would prefer handing them over to somebody they know and trust.

          With the bahu issue, they are looking for someone who again they trust, and would like to invite into their family and this lady would (in theory) be their carer when they get older.... I know its more complicated than that but i dont have time to write much more.
          what im trying to say is that it is your job to change the views of your parents... they will have to be made to see the good side of other options available.
          May your every wish be granted...
          Ancient chinese curse

          Comment


            #6
            Re: Getting married within family

            I am not going to say one way or the other but would like to tell abt my short-lived experience in the field of placental pathology/infertility. The more inter-marriage that goes on in a blood-line, the more prone the offspring are to genetic abnormalities. There is a group of Jewish people, i cant recall the name of their sect but they are extremely orthodox and strict, marry only "their own". Since it has been a small community for generations to begin with, their gene pool has not been enriched in generations. The rate of infertility, genetic "mistakes", miscarriage etc etc is absolutely astronomical. You can have troubles with your offspring no matter WHO you marry. And no matter what you get, if you reproduce, you have such a blessing. But be knowledgeable about what you're getting into here too.

            Comment


              #7
              Re: Getting married within family

              Originally posted by Ansoon
              I agree that in some cases it is a valid option.. but what if you don't want to marry any of your cousins and your parents insist that you do.. its just wrong.. plain and simple.. i am not going to ruin someone else's and my life just coz my parents wanted to see it happen..
              according to the Quran.. a marriage doesn't count if the girl or boy is forced to get married.. they have to know that..
              ..Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.. ~IK~

              Comment


                #8
                Re: Getting married within family

                There's nothing wrong with it, but its not for everyone. Families have their reasons, (land, caste, they know them, bad experiences with outsiders, blah,blah). The thinking is if the families are happy the marriage will be successful, which isnt always the case, esp if they put two people together who are not compatiable.. Since its a neice, she's the best choice, regardless of weather they know her or not. if your not cool with it, then dont do it...Of course your parents and family will be mad, but after awhile, they will just have to accept that its not going to happen..Like laizy said, its the first thing they throw at you..I had the same thing, first question: is there any girl in the family..my response, ehhhh, how about hell no..so after 100 no's they finally got it through their thickhead..
                Bang Bang
                I Shot You Down, Bang Bang
                You Hit The Ground, Bang Bang
                That Awefull Sound, Bang Bang
                I Used To Shoot You Down

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: Getting married within family

                  Marrying within family works for some, but not for others.

                  I personally know of many people amongst my family and relatives who do it like it. It works out well for them and they prefer it. More power to them.

                  Anyway, I was once discussing it with my mom about how retarded I find it is to get married within families or that people outside should also be considered. To that she said people prefer to get married within families sometimes because they know the the prospective husband/wife is like. When marrying outside of family, there's always this risk of how the person may turn out.

                  Not that it's not true for marrying people within family, but you're more aware of what they are like and many people find it easier that way.

                  Oh yeh! The line-up system totally sucks. Especially, if those in line before you do not plan on getting married anytime soon. They literally screw your life and plans and you're just there waiting and waiting till they take their sweet time to decide to get married whenever they feel like.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: Getting married within family

                    Sadiyah, its not just about them not wanting to get married but when parents decide that well let the older brother settle down then we think of you.. just seems weird to me..
                    mujh sey khushiaan ley gaya aur degya kagaz kay phoool
                    abb meray ghar mein paray hain jabaja kagaz kay phoool

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: Getting married within family

                      Why marry at all?
                      rubber band rubber band rubber band rubber band rubber band

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Re: Getting married within family

                        >>more inter-marriage that goes on in a blood-line, the more prone the offspring are to genetic abnormalities.

                        Actually the argument goes both ways.

                        The anthropology teacher I took for undergrad was of the belief that the as it is more likely for weaker genes to follow the off springs, it is even more likely for the stronger genes to be passed on. And therefore the overall health of the society with inter-marriages is stronger than the ones that don't practice it at all. He made everyone in class read a bunch of medical papers on this issue. But while all the papers admitted that contrary to common belief inter-marriages are more beneficial than harmful, inter-marriages for a very long period of time limit the gene pool.
                        I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
                        - Robert McCloskey

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Re: Getting married within family

                          Originally posted by Ansoon
                          Sadiyah, its not just about them not wanting to get married but when parents decide that well let the older brother settle down then we think of you.. just seems weird to me..
                          lol you're worried about ONLY ONE ELDER brother settling down?

                          Be thankful, you're in a lot better situation than many others.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Re: Getting married within family

                            ahmadjee: interesting.. could you possibly cite those papers, the titles if not the online links?
                            Din-e-Mullah fee sabeelillah fasad (Allama Iqbal)

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: Getting married within family

                              ravage, anthropology teachers are usually not computer savy, so all the papers we got were photocopied from journals and its been so long that I don't even remember the names.

                              Anyway, you can google and find TONS of information about cousin marriages. Here is a USA Today article for those who don't want to bother. http://www.usatoday.com/news/science...04-cousins.htm

                              edit: This old thread on gupshup on similar issue has some other links too.
                              http://www.paklinks.com/gs/showthrea...usin+marriages
                              Last edited by ahmadjee; May 20, 2005, 12:09 PM.
                              I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
                              - Robert McCloskey

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X