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Remarrying your ex husband. Need urgent advice please!

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    Remarrying your ex husband. Need urgent advice please!

    As the title says, I'm seriously thinking about remarrying my former husband. We have 3 daughters and a son. I was not entitled to my Haq Mehr as I initiated divorce in the courts and gave him khula. He has been part of the kids life during all this time. He had his moments where he ranted at the kids about me etc but his mum has never interfered and has always remained partial. Even after our divorce, he'd drop by my house with her to see the kids. I was always very uncomfortable with this and I always made my feelings clear that he was no longer halal for me so he shouldn't keep coming round all the time. The kids have grown up into fine young adults and the fact that my girls are at the rishta stage, I feel the need to remarry him just so that their chances are good and that they'd have a different atmosphere at home. At the moment, there's no boundaries, they do what they need to and have jobs / studying.

    In the past my widowed mother has always interfered in my marriage and she is the one that is to blame. She's also inteferred with both my brother's marriages to the extent that she is now living alone. They hardly visit as she's controlling. My ex husband disliked her mithering so much that it caused grief and strain between us. At the time I was still married to him, I took my mum's side as my ego got in the way. I now see what I did wrong (we're both to blame) and I will do what it takes to make a happy home with him based on communication, respect and understanding.

    My own parent's marriage wasn't happy and I had no advice prior to mine as to what's expected. I made plenty of mistakes to which I hold my hands up to. He's not perfect either. He warned me how difficult it'd be raising 4 kids on my own but I chose not to listen. I wanted freedom and was sick of the fights, arguments and the emotional damage it was doing to me and the kids.

    Fast forward 10 years and I realise I don't want to grow old and lonely (like my mum) and want to be a part of the kids marriages, future etc. I'm tired of doing all this alone now. We do get on and now he's calmer, understanding and we are civil now than before. I do know that he could change once married again. I'm prepared to take that risk.

    I need advice regarding the Nikkah. What is the procedure?

    Please no bashing me I'm already feeling a lot of stress. I haven't told my kids or my mum about my plans as I don't know how they'll react.

    Thank you for reading this.

    You are definitely on the right track, I wonder why so many desi elders are so evil that they destroy their own children's life for their ego, power and control. In order to understand Islam we need to know the essence and background of any rules. Firstly good news that Talaq and Khula may seem same but aren't. Many men were missusing the provision of Talak and in order to control and intimidate wives they would do Talak on them and than remarry them shortly after, to prevent this unjust behavior and to protect women the ruling of Halala came about, where if once a talaq is given the husban d cannot remarry without the woman being married to someone else first. Khula is not the same as it was never abused and a woman had justifyable reasons for it and hence many scholars think tha halala is not mandatory. Also since it has been such a long time that a new marriage contract is now totally justifiable and Allah is happy with good intentions and your intentions of sincerity and well being of your kids is commendable. I wish you the best and may Allah bless your new wedding.

    I am sure your husband has matured a lot and please remember there are only two people in a marriage, be very protective of the sanctimonious bond and do not let anyone interfere in your marriage, not even the kids as they are now adults. Be aware of what projections are.

    This could be the most beautiful time of your life. We owe a duty of happiness to ourselves.


      You must be going through lots of emotions regarding this. I don’t blame you. You said that you wanted to remarry “just so their(your children’s) chances(of rishta) are good”. If that is indeed your only reason, I really don’t think remarrying him will help with chances of getting better rishtas for your children. The reason is that your khula will inevitably be on the minds of other people regardless of remarriage. Some will arrive at negative conclusions, some won’t. Remarriage will only add a new twist, not untwist the old one.

      Having said that, if that is not your only reason to consider remarrying him. Let me caution you first with a quote; “going back to your ex is like taking a shower and then putting your dirty underwear back on ''. I find that quote so profound. But if you think you can now handle your old ex, not the new and improved ex, then only consider exploring that option. Because your new and improved ex may only be in your head as people do not change with time, only circumstances change.

      If you think you can handle your ex, and care to keep things halal then the first step would be to consult a major Islamic center with expertise in your fiqh. Share with them the circumstances of your khula and get in writing the status of the khula. In many cases, a court-granted khula that has taken place without the husband’s approval does not result in Islamic divorce. The Islamic center will be able to guide you on next possible steps accordingly.


        OP, is it fair to say that you have pretty much made up your mind at this point and ready to marry your ex? Nothing wrong in that at all as long as you are very clear on what you want. My concern is that have you talked it through with your ex? What promises is he offering in terms of NOT doing what he did in the previous experience or rather I should say what'll he do different this time to make sure you guyz carry on this relationship forever?

        Although its not very common but still it does happen that the two ex get back and mostly they do for the sake of their children so dont feel overburdened by this decision, once again as long as you have the clarity about it.

        Regarding how you do the nikah, I think a religious person can guide you better but from what I know its that you both need to go through a divorce from someone else first, no?

        and most importantly, I hope you dont take much stress even though its unavoidable. I know easier said than done but you need to be very foucsed and clear prior to making this most important decision of your life. May Almighty make it easy for you.
        Attitude is more important than facts.
        "Life is 10% what happens to us..and 90% of how we react to it"


          Sometimes two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together.
          Doctor, 17+ countries, surfer, hiker, skier and yoga fan… get the picture?


            Since you got the khulah ruling from the court, you can 100% remarry your husband.
            It’s a very good idea to heal old wounds.
            one word of advice; forgive your mother, forgiving helps but do not forget what she did!
            Be a strong person love each other for the sake of Allah and your life hereafter, the philosophy of relationships will become so easy to understand.
            The key to success is Sanu Ki


              I am so amazed by unqualified people giving Fiqh advice to the OP. Its one thing to advise if she should marry mr. x or not, completely another to give her a fatwa on wheter she can just remarry or not. Amazing how Islam seems to be the only tooic in which no actual expertise is needed to blurr out a fatwa. This is a serious matter in terms of Islamic Fiq and I suggest OP she seek advice from a qualified person as this is a matter of pleasing or displeasing Allah. Not so light as to leave it up to a buch of random people online. Very much possible that you are not allowed to marry this person, what will you do if you only discover that after remarriage? Maybe possible that you can, I dont know for sure. Plz ask someone who slecializes in the Fiq of marriage.


                Get a ruling on this one from some scholar. My limited knowledge suggests that you cannot marry your ex-husband, just like that. Exception is, if you have been married to and have taken a divorce from another man in between.
                The Way of those on whom You have bestowed Your Grace, not of those who earned Your Anger, nor of those who went astray. (Al-Fatihah)


                • Eastern Dresses
                  Eastern Dresses commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Khula and Talaq is exactly the same thing minus the financial aspect (Mehr is waived off in case of Khula which is a obligation in case of Talaq)

                • krash
                  krash commented
                  Editing a comment
                  See the reference below. khula counts as one divorce and doesn't require halala. Talaq is usually given as triple talaq and requires halala

                • Eastern Dresses
                  Eastern Dresses commented
                  Editing a comment
                  That depends on how the khula was filed. In most cases it is filed as 3 divorces so she will have to check the documents. There is also a timeline associated with getting back in case of single divorce. After 10 years, I doubt she can get back just like that but as i said earlier, she needs to consult with someone learned rather than relying on people who are searching on google to get her the answers.


                "According to the preponderant opinion of the Muslim scholars, Khul’ (a woman requesting her husband to divorce her via a Muslim judge) is one irrevocable divorce (with minor separation). Thus, if you had not divorced your wife twice before this Khul’, then you may take her back to your conjugal life provided you renew the marriage contract and offer a new dowry."


                  What about the length of gap in between? Again, I suggest OP have sit down with somone of knowledge in this and provide all the pertinent details. Would you skip going to the Hospital and just try stuff you google online if got really ill? Or is it that the deen is just a joke and a qucik google search should suffice? Be mindful thst in case your remarriage is not allowed and you do it anayway, you will living with a non mahram, just the same as living and cohabiting with any stranger. So plz make sure you meet the Islamic requirments ( if you care actual husband and wife before Allah) before you make any moves. I hope u are allowed and pray you find marital bliss.