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I need some advice. MIL/DIL drama is starting to affect my mental health!!!!

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    I need some advice. MIL/DIL drama is starting to affect my mental health!!!!

    hello all,

    I need some help/advice. major MIL/DIL drama is starting to affecting me mentally. to preface this: I am not the DIL or the MIL.

    so, I (30/F) live with my parents, my brother, his wife and their 3 kids. I don't want to be living at home. recently I convinced my parents I want to move out and they are OK with it...but financially it will take me time to do so (2-ish years). its going to take this long cos I can't just move and rent (my parents won't be cool with that and tbh its a waste of money since living at home I can save so much money). and to buy a place in the UK I need a substantial amount of money for even just a deposit.

    anyway, the issue is my SIL is really (honest to god) a rude person. its ramadan - I won't lie or exaggerate just cos I don't even like her most of the time (lol). the main problem is she has a very very very rude way of talking/communication. in English and in Urdu its even worse. she can't speak calmly or nicely, her tone of voice is extremely aggressive. my mum, is the complete opposite. to the point she is a push over and takes a lot of **** because she is non-confrontational.

    now because these 2 are night and day, they butt heads a lot. every 3 months or so, after some calm there is a huge blow up. the most recent one my SIL went to her mums house for the weekend and kicked up a huge fuss saying my mum told her to go there. my denies this. now, I try to to be impartial as much as I can (for the sake of peace and I feel sorry for my brother) but I am 100% this is BS. because in the past, my SIL has the tendency to retell these fights in a very different way. and she has done the same thing to me too. for example. once she said that whenever me and my mum talk it sounds like we are fighting and she told this to her 4 year old daughter, who repeated it back to me. ive also had my brother tell me she said the same thing. when I confronted her, saying why would you say that to a child/my brother (her husband), it sounds so dumb, its not true and its just silly she straight up said to my face it wasn't true. she is the type of person who will literally deny the truth. so its like, do you sit there and argue with someone so petty or do you just say F it and move on? usually the latter. anyway so this fight happened recently and she didn't the same thing were she told not even half the truth to my brother, he told me, I asked mum, got the rest of the story, told my brother who then cries cos he doesn't wanna move out but doesn't know what to do to make their relationship better. this happens every 3/4 months like clockwork. my dad cusses my SIL behind her back but to my brother he says nothing and to her he says nothing. so my mum has to take all the **** and deal with all the **** cos its her and my SIL who are at home all day together. plus my mum looks after the kids with her and my SIL is very unappreciated of that too. eg/mum changes nappies, feeds them etc etc but if she ever tells them off for doing something naughty my SIL blows up at her. you cannot all live in one house and be like: yeah look after my kids whenever I need it but don't you dare actually parent them (even though my mum is basically another mother to them). so recently my SIL is like: you aren't even worth calling mother, your just an auntie (lol so dramatic but rude) so obvi my mum took this badly, they are not talking etc. SIL is due to come home today and its gonna be awks.

    with all this going on, my brother is completely useless (tbh). as much as I wish I didn't have to say that it is true. he goes out 2/3 nights a week (god knows why SIL doesn't stop him or even try to cos and she DEF doesn't), he isn't helpful with school, parenting or whatever and basically they fight and instead of confronting my brother my SIL bottles up her anger and instead passive aggressively takes it out on me and my mum (both always home). in front of my dad, she is an angel (so weird). so all this happens, he won't move out, he refuses to build a 2nd kitchen in the house (god knows why) so mum and SIL can have space and he isn't helpful overall.

    now, my role in all this: for the most part I stay out of it. there have only been 2 instances I stepped in and got rude to my SIL. 1) when she called my mum stupid and 2) when she was screaming at her one day. both times, I entered, I cussed her out, I defused situation (for the time being) and left. boom, quick. now the problem is: every time they have an argument my brother AND my SIL bring my name into it. they blame me for things. my SIL and mum don't get on so brother says to my mum you don't treat her like X (I am X). X doesn't do ABC but you don't tell SIL off (re: cleaning but this isn't true cos my mum tells me off a lot about cleaning lol), X does XYZ but if SIL does it blah blah blah. basically I have nothing to do with ANYTHINg but because they both have no point, they just drag my name into it. now I have said in the past and very recently to my brother: STOP doing that. STOP bringing my name into things. I am not involved and I have no interest in this drama so stop it. he said OK. 1 day later he blamed me for spreading some random gossip. he straight up to my face said there is no way my wife would have said it, so it must have been you. I was SOOOOOOOOOOO mad. SO SO SO mad. like wtf. why are you blaming me for no reason????? why do you 2 losers have nothing else to say so you drag my name into your drama? at the time, I got mad at him but he shut me up. I thought F this, no point going on continuing arguing this is going no where. I will just stop talking to him. so I haven't spoken to him since yesterday and at this point have no intention to unless I have to (if it wasn't ramadan I wouldn't even do that lolllllllll). then later on, I got annoyed with my mum cos ALLLLLLL day she was fuming about the situation, talking about it, wondering what to do etc etc and then when my brother was sitting in front of her face, she said nothing. not one word.

    why are you complaining/worrying/advice-ing to me about all day (and to my older sis who was visiting) but when my brother is there say nothing. same with my dad. he was so worried talking about it non-stop 2 days ago and now he is pretending like nothing is happening. him and my brother decided amongst themselves they won't do anything, bro won't move out, he will "save his money to move out soon" (straight BS he is never leaving) and my mum just needs to be patience. and my mum bloody agreed!!!! she isn't happy but deep down she doesn't WANT my brother to move out

    WTF!!!!! so you are telling me every 3 months we are going to have these big dramas? everyone gonna ask me for advice but take non of it? my name will somehow get dragged into the mess for no reason? in the end it seems like I am the only one who is p*ssed off and angry at how my SIL acts, how the tension at home is and how useless my brother is????? its SOOOOO frustrating.

    if it was up to me, I would move out tomorrow. honest to god. I can't take it anymore. I feel TRAPPED (lock down doesn't help) in this house, in these dramas and day by day I like my SIL less and less. I don't want to hate anyone/dislike anyone. I don't want to feel used (when they use me as a scapegoat in the drama) and I don't like the overall tension/drama. but as you all know, in our culture it is hard to escape this rubbish. and until I have save £25k (which I am no where near atm) I am stuck at home. because at the end of the day, this will keep happening and ultimately no one is going to do anything to change the situation cos deep down they all wanna live together.

    You are stuck between a rock and a hard place, and there is no quick fix. I used to play a computer game. It was like PacMan, except that once my character died the game would reveal the steps that could have been taken to escape the monsters. I think getting stuck in life is similar, there is usually a way out.

    Keep your spirits up by engaging in some activity, such as solving puzzles, going for walks, etc. to take your mind away from the negativity. Having a toxic person living with us saps our energy like nothing else, so keep yourself sane. That alone is a big achievement. Next, you must have a plan for yourself such as finding a better job. Use online courses to pick up some new skills in your area of expertise and apply for jobs that you think will put you in a better financial situation. Also try to find yourself a husband without restricting yourself to a single country. That will be a legit escape.

    If nothing else works. Renting is not a waste of money, we pay for a place to live. Prepare a case and then present it to your parents. I’m sure they’re already aware of what you are going through and may surprise you with a NOC. But do not move out without their permission as they know more.

    PS: I think you are doing all you can w.r.t your SIL and there is nothing you could do more.


      Your brother and SIL need to move out. Your parents, like the majority of desi parents, may be fearful of being 'abandoned' and so think they don't want them to move out, but it'll be healthier for everyone if they do.
      Clearly your SIL hates living with the family, and your parents also have issues with her. They will all find that their relationship with each other is so much better with some distance and time away from each other. And if it isn't, at least your parents won't spend every minute reliving arguments and torturing themselves.

      If/when you move out, it'll still leave your parents in the same toxic environment.
      Eventually, maybe a decade down the line, when all bridges have been burnt and everyone HATES each others' guts, your brother and SIL will eventually move out. But it'll be too late to rebuild any sort of respect for each other.

      Your brother needs to see that they need to move out. That's the only sustainable solution.


        move out
        Heart in London. Mind in Lahore. Physically in Dubai. Loving it every millisecond.