How to talk about Finances with your spouse?

[Bobby1]

UFC2015 the First Rule of getting Married.........THERE ARE NO RULES....

The second Rule of getting Married..........SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT............

As the saying goes and Universally Understood among Women Folk IS........What is mine is mine.... ..........What's yours is ours?......

Ask Bobby1 He has the most experience.........

Also remember 90% of Marriages break UP due to disagreements on Finances!

So true brother, my first wife kicked me out of my mansion on the river and I am still paying all the bills, i LAUNCHED HER CAREER IN REAL ESTATE AND SHE IS NOW MAKING insane amount of money and does not contribute in expenses, I go home everyday to give groceries, cook and clean and get chit from her on a daily basis, I cant protest or she will ban me from the house and I wont be able to see my kids, but Sam is so worth it. I cant believe she chose me and treats me like a king. navzzz is my savior and gave me great advice, doing leg excercises makes one the man that can please. I sometimes climb 150 floors.

[navzzz]

Who cares man? If you can't give the man some grown-up advice, don't mock him either...

Btw, if you went through the trouble of finding out what he does for a living, you must've also seen that not too long ago, he was making a little over 1/6th the cost of your wife's Porsche...

The OP has been posting about his personal life on these fora for over half a decade and everybody knows about him. May be my views about other peoples' finances are skewed by my own circumstances and hence I am not able to relate to his situation....and may be you are able to relate to him for the same reasons, and that is fine. That is the end of my contribution in this thread.

[a7mado]

In our society trying to control a spouses spending is classified as financial abuse, admonishing, condescending and over emotionalism is classified as verbal. psychological and emotional abuse, One of the guy we know married a girl younger than his daughter and ended up in jail losing everything.

So, if your spouse has a dangerous spending habit, you're not allowed to put your foot down? That's just silly... no offense.

For Advice in this society most western men hand over finances to wives since women are financially more responsible and they approve mans spending, my best canadian friend makes 250k plus, wife doesnt work and he cant eat a burger without her permission.

Lol, your friend really needs to get himself a new wife.

A lot of us are wary of the exploitative nature of overseas marriages so we feel it is important to speak up. It is the west that prompted women protection laws in PK.

Ah yes, if it wasn't for the west, we would still be eating mud and burying our daughters alive...

[Cashmere]

How did she respond to you questioning her?

When was the last time you visited Pakistan? I’d like a better view of how well you know the cost of living/lifestyle there.

What does her monthly spending statement look like? How often does she buy things on your credit card? It seems that this is her first time spending this amount. You should have let it go.

Does she have or is she aware of her preset monthly allowance? You need to set clear numbers and let her know.

Spending money after being encouraged to spend it and then being questioned about it would lead a woman to:

1. Get nervous, go into fight and flight mode, and maybe even lie that the spending was a gift for someone else.
2. Feel incompetent and undermined - think that the husband is questioning her sanity, intellect and ability to make purchases or manage finances.
3. Sense mistrust– Husband ultimately mistrusts his wife with HIS money.
4. Double-guess husband's credibility from now onwards. He contradicts himself.
5. Fear for her future – It is inherently natural for women to crave emotional, physicial and financial security.

Some men need to understand that once the money is spent, you better make a good face and pretend it’s all good. Complaining and picking arguments won’t bring the money back. Instead, you will put your relationship down the drain, demonstrate to her that it’s YOUR money that you don’t trust her with, ruin her shopping experience altogether and despite having paid for it, you won’t be getting credit for having paid for it. You’ll go from heroic to monster real fast within the count of 3.


What you should have done is:

1. Wait until she informs you of her purchase and her reasoning for it. Or playfully ask what she’s been shopping around for because you got a notification. Be respectful and gentle. Once the topic gets rolling, you can pitch in and give your honest opinion of how you think 32k is too much for a gift or whatever her story is. Use this opportunity to set boundaries and limits in a respectful manner. Let her know that you trust her with the money. It all boils down to how to speak to a woman. You need to think it through beforehand and make sure your tone and words are amicable and not patronizing.

Example: Apne shopping kee tow soch samaj k kee hogi. Aap bohut [xyz insert authentic compliment here]. Maine pehle aapse nahee kaha kyunk mujhe idea nahee tha aap major purchase kerne walee hain, lakin main chahta hoon next time aap zehen may rakhen. Abee filhal…. [Insert current financial situation here listing examples so she’s in the loop and knows the full picture]. Main khud bhee soch samaj k spend kerta hoon [Give examples of where your money is going and how you are budgeting so she knows this is a two-way road and you guys are a team]. Lakin InshaAllah, someday jab financial situation better hogee, tab aap apni marzi se karna. [Insert positive, realistic promise here].

2. OR you would take the backseat and let it go. It’s the first time she’s done it. Let her slide this one time, it’s not like the money will come back. Wait a few days and indirectly mention your financial circumstances so she would be more responsible next time. You must give her detailed examples so she has a better understanding of your perspective. She doesn’t live in Canada and lacks awareness regarding your bills/finances.

Marriage is about taking the backseat every now and then. Nobody likes pettiness, especially not in a man. Learn to let things slide every now and then and avoid micromanaging each other.

[Bobby1]

So, if your spouse has a dangerous spending habit, you're not allowed to put your foot down? That's just silly... no offense.



Lol, your friend really needs to get himself a new wife.



Ah yes, if it wasn't for the west, we would still be eating mud and burying our daughters alive...

Avideo is worth a thousand words, my new Islamic wife has many houses in Islamabad and wanted me to run away there and live in luxury and then I showed her back to back many sare aam videos and now she does not want to go there. I think what many girls are going thru is worse than what you mentioned.
Also my friend is not atypical this is how the modern western married man behaves, he is also an awesome cook, built green house, grows herbs and veggies with his very young kids, floods a skating rink every year for wee ones, built an outdoors cinema for COVID, teaches his sassy 6 year old to ski, swim, skate and bike and is the sole income earner yet wife is head of the house hold. With our sports club we deal with scores of families and in every case wife is the authority at home. Rightfully so, women are more mature, more responsible, better organisers, planner, kinder gentler gender. No you dont see many rapists, murderers rapists in women.

They live together for several years here so get to know each others habits and if one is not okay with spending habits than dont get married but once you do you can absolutely not control the spending, that is the law. It will be classified as financial abuse.

[Bobby1]

The other advice I will give OP is next time his BIL is abusive to his sister, he should drop him where he stands. I would!!

[a7mado]

Avideo is worth a thousand words, my new Islamic wife has many houses in Islamabad and wanted me to run away there and live in luxury and then I showed her back to back many sare aam videos and now she does not want to go there. I think what many girls are going thru is worse than what you mentioned.

At this point I honestly have no idea if you're being for real or if you're just trolling me...

[decentGuy]

UFC2015

I don’t think your questioning about the Rs.32,000/= charge was inappropriate in the way you described. Since you guys are quite new to one another so it’s normal to misinterpret and get confused. Do not let negative thoughts come into your mind regarding this transaction, and do “khush gumani” (approx translation would be ~ wishful thinking) even if you later find out that the money was spent on something entirely different. Long distance relationships need far more careful choice of words than face to face discussion. Sometimes there are expenses that we just do not want to disclose to even our closest folks. For example, medical expenses, returning a loan, giving a loan, paying for a mess we can find ourselves in, paying brother/sister/parents, etc.

If however such unexplained expenses become a norm, then you should definitely look into it more closely. Do not let your hard earned money be spent frivolously. If you find evidence of frivolous spending then figure out if it is due do some anxiety/depression issues, carelessness, or laziness; and act accordingly. In Pakistan, budgeting can be very tricky. If you are lazy and do not look for bargains, then living expenses can be more than what you might have in Canada.

Last but not the least, be mindful that there is a lot of criminal activity that takes place in Pakistan. You do not want her to God forbid get noticed by some criminal. Recently a family friend of mine bought a gold chain to give as a gift, and within hours their home was raided by dacoits. Alhamdulillah no one got hurt but the trauma still gives his family nightmares.