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How to talk about Finances with your spouse?

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    How to talk about Finances with your spouse?

    I have been sending my wife money from Canada to Pakistan every month since our Nikkah in 2019. I have applied to sponsor her but because of Covid, our sponsorship and PR application has been delayed. She has never ever spent any of the money i sent her in the last year and a half, i always encouraged her that its our money and that if she ever needs to spend it for her expenses she is most welcome. She finally recently in the last 12 days started to utilize her debit card which is linked to our joint account in Pakistan.

    I haven't really paid attention to her withdrawing from the ATM for Rs 5 k here or there, or spending for a meal at a restaurant, ice cream place but today she spent Rs 32 k at a grocery store which literally gave me a heart attack. I obviously felt compelled to ask her about it. I didn't ask her aggressively or raise the topic immediately. I waited while asking about her day, how she was doing and 15-20 minutes i decided to ease in to the conversation and asked her what did you spend Rs 32k on at a grocery stroke, that also with a few smilies. I didn't want to ask her in an agree or nasty condescending tone like my sister's husband does with my sister but still it was important that i have this conversation with her.

    She claims she got a gift for a family member and a chocolate. I told her that its my job to provide for her and to keep her happy and then in a light hearted tone also told her to please understand the heart attack i will get if i see a charge of Rs 32k on our card. I then told her that lets reach an agreement that if either of us needs to make a major expensive purchase then we will both keep each other in the loop and seek each others consent, run it by each other.

    How do you guys have this sensitive conversation with your spouses without getting too overtly emotional with your spouse or being nasty, condescending with them at the same time?

    #2
    And there my wife spent $250k on her Porsche and I have to swallow the bullet.

    Did you set any ground rules, limits or restrictions before giving her access to your accounts and cards? If no then you shouldn’t be having a heart attack. If $32k was a big amount for you then you should’ve made it clear in the beginning how much she could withdraw.

    On one hand you pretend to be a big-hearted / rich / caring / ‘money no issue’ show-off kinda husband by giving her unlimited access without setting any limits, on other you are getting upset if she spent xyz amount more than you could have afforded.

    Come clear and inform her how much she could spend and what can you afford.

    I’m sure she must be feeling quite embarrassed at the moment but mainly coz you did not turn out to be what you made her believe in terms of affordability.
    Last edited by navzzz; Feb 28, 2021, 11:02 PM.
    I'm either at work, in gym, working in the garden, or in my beautiful wife's arms!

    Comment


      #3
      Originally posted by navzzz View Post
      And there my wife spent $250k on her Porsche and I have to swallow the bullet.

      Did you set any ground rules, limits or restrictions before giving her access to your accounts and cards? If no then you shouldn’t be having a heart attack. If $32k was a big amount for you then you should’ve made it clear in the beginning how much she could withdraw.

      On one hand you pretend to be a big-hearted / rich / caring / ‘money no issue’ show-off kinda husband by giving her unlimited access without setting any limits, on other you are getting upset if she spent xyz amount more than you could have afforded.

      Come clear and inform her how much she could spend and what can you afford.

      I’m sure she must be feeling quite embarrassed at the moment but mainly coz you did not turn out to be what she might have thought in terms of affordability.
      It is Rs 32k, 250 dollars. I feel when much older men go to poor countries to marry much younger girls they should atleast provide them with financial freedom, condescending , hisaab on 250 is not cool.
      Laws are strict here and women have lots of rights. Husbands cand admonish or control their spendings

      Comment


      • navzzz
        navzzz commented
        Editing a comment
        what $250???

        !

      • aqua70
        aqua70 commented
        Editing a comment
        Yup... I was scratching my head at the 32k rupees bit because it is only a couple of hundred dollars.

      #4
      Originally posted by UFC2015 View Post
      I have been sending my wife money from Canada to Pakistan every month since our Nikkah in 2019. I have applied to sponsor her but because of Covid, our sponsorship and PR application has been delayed. She has never ever spent any of the money i sent her in the last year and a half, i always encouraged her that its our money and that if she ever needs to spend it for her expenses she is most welcome. She finally recently in the last 12 days started to utilize her debit card which is linked to our joint account in Pakistan.

      I haven't really paid attention to her withdrawing from the ATM for Rs 5 k here or there, or spending for a meal at a restaurant, ice cream place but today she spent Rs 32 k at a grocery store which literally gave me a heart attack. I obviously felt compelled to ask her about it. I didn't ask her aggressively or raise the topic immediately. I waited while asking about her day, how she was doing and 15-20 minutes i decided to ease in to the conversation and asked her what did you spend Rs 32k on at a grocery stroke, that also with a few smilies. I didn't want to ask her in an agree or nasty condescending tone like my sister's husband does with my sister but still it was important that i have this conversation with her.

      She claims she got a gift for a family member and a chocolate. I told her that its my job to provide for her and to keep her happy and then in a light hearted tone also told her to please understand the heart attack i will get if i see a charge of Rs 32k on our card. I then told her that lets reach an agreement that if either of us needs to make a major expensive purchase then we will both keep each other in the loop and seek each others consent, run it by each other.

      How do you guys have this sensitive conversation with your spouses without getting too overtly emotional with your spouse or being nasty, condescending with them at the same time?
      It seems that did not lay down the ground rules from day one.

      When I got married, I opened up to her about the risks that I was taking, and told her that we can't make any expensive purchases for at least 5 years, because financial independence was my only goal in life at that point. She was understanding and asked if she could work, I said by all means.
      "Some people believe that necessity is the mother of Invention, but they're wrong, its War" - James May

      Comment


        #5
        Originally posted by Bobby1 View Post

        It is Rs 32k, 250 dollars. I feel when much older men go to poor countries to marry much younger girls they should atleast provide them with financial freedom, condescending , hisaab on 250 is not cool.
        Laws are strict here and women have lots of rights. Husbands cand admonish or control their spendings
        How can you assume that he is an older man? He might've recently migrated to Canada himself for all we know. $250 might not be much to you, but 32k rs is certainly a large sum of money for someone in Pakistan.
        "Some people believe that necessity is the mother of Invention, but they're wrong, its War" - James May

        Comment


          #6
          Originally posted by a7mado View Post

          How can you assume that he is an older man? He might've recently migrated to Canada himself for all we know. $250 might not be much to you, but 32k rs is certainly a large sum of money for someone in Pakistan.
          He had shared in his last post his wife is 15 years younger, merely 20. Even minimum wage here is around 35 k a year. Yes if 250 is going to give you a heart attack than that should be discussed before marriage and before handing over the debit card. Our laws here prevents spouses from controlling
          finances
          I had checked for fun and most groceries cost same as in Canada

          Comment


            #7
            Originally posted by navzzz View Post
            And there my wife spent $250k on her Porsche and I have to swallow the bullet.

            Did you set any ground rules, limits or restrictions before giving her access to your accounts and cards? If no then you shouldn’t be having a heart attack. If $32k was a big amount for you then you should’ve made it clear in the beginning how much she could withdraw.

            On one hand you pretend to be a big-hearted / rich / caring / ‘money no issue’ show-off kinda husband by giving her unlimited access without setting any limits, on other you are getting upset if she spent xyz amount more than you could have afforded.

            Come clear and inform her how much she could spend and what can you afford.

            I’m sure she must be feeling quite embarrassed at the moment but mainly coz you did not turn out to be what you made her believe in terms of affordability.
            Why is everyone looking down on this guy? We don't know his financial condition. Nowhere did he show-off, all he did was let his wife know that the money is "ours", he never explicatively told his wife his wife that all of it belonged to her.
            "Some people believe that necessity is the mother of Invention, but they're wrong, its War" - James May

            Comment


              #8
              Originally posted by Bobby1 View Post

              He had shared in his last post his wife is 15 years younger, merely 20. Even minimum wage here is around 35 k a year. Yes if 250 is going to give you a heart attack than that should be discussed before marriage and before handing over the debit card. Our laws here prevents spouses from controlling
              finances
              I had checked for fun and most groceries cost same as in Canada
              I still would not assume his financial condition.
              "Some people believe that necessity is the mother of Invention, but they're wrong, its War" - James May

              Comment


                #9
                If someone is having a literal heart attack just by their wife spending a couple of hundred dollars who is not even living with them yet, then they should have a cold hard look into their prospective finances and ability to to provide and maintain a decent lifestyle and shelter for their partner, children and other essential expenses that will pile up as married life goes on especially in the West, this is only the beginning, $250 will be easily spent on a daily basis. Not sure if the OP has thought through all these upcoming expenses!
                I'm either at work, in gym, working in the garden, or in my beautiful wife's arms!

                Comment


                  #10
                  Originally posted by a7mado View Post

                  I still would not assume his financial condition.
                  Ok so you would not assume an accountant living and working in Canada for close to a decade might not be able to afford $250 spending money for his new wife? who come on man......
                  I'm either at work, in gym, working in the garden, or in my beautiful wife's arms!

                  Comment


                    #11
                    Originally posted by navzzz View Post

                    Ok so you would not assume an accountant living and working in Canada for close to a decade might not be able to afford $250 spending money for his new wife? who come on man......
                    Who cares man? If you can't give the man some grown-up advice, don't mock him either...

                    Btw, if you went through the trouble of finding out what he does for a living, you must've also seen that not too long ago, he was making a little over 1/6th the cost of your wife's Porsche...
                    "Some people believe that necessity is the mother of Invention, but they're wrong, its War" - James May

                    Comment


                      #12
                      UFC2015 the First Rule of getting Married.........THERE ARE NO RULES....

                      The second Rule of getting Married..........SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT............

                      As the saying goes and Universally Understood among Women Folk IS........What is mine is mine.... ..........What's yours is ours?......

                      Ask Bobby1 He has the most experience.........


                      Also remember 90% of Marriages break UP due to disagreements on Finances!
                      Balaghal-ula bi-kamaalihi / Kashafad-duja bi-jamaalihi / Hasunat jameeu khisaalihi / Sallu alaihi wa aalihi

                      Comment


                        #13
                        To answer your Question on How to talk about Finances with your spouse?........So basically You Do Not...

                        Simply just say it is much better to postpone the lavish gifts shopping til you are both together in Canada! that way you both are part of the gift giving.........
                        Last edited by SindSagar; Mar 2, 2021, 11:46 AM.
                        Balaghal-ula bi-kamaalihi / Kashafad-duja bi-jamaalihi / Hasunat jameeu khisaalihi / Sallu alaihi wa aalihi

                        Comment


                          #14
                          32K PKR. she probably bot one or two designers dress.
                          wives cost more than that .. lets wait to come canada.. her expense will grow....

                          Comment


                            #15
                            Originally posted by a7mado View Post

                            Who cares man? If you can't give the man some grown-up advice, don't mock him either...

                            Btw, if you went through the trouble of finding out what he does for a living, you must've also seen that not too long ago, he was making a little over 1/6th the cost of your wife's Porsche...
                            In our society trying to control a spouses spending is classified as financial abuse, admonishing, condescending and over emotionalism is classified as verbal. psychological and emotional abuse, One of the guy we know married a girl younger than his daughter and ended up in jail losing everything.

                            For Advice in this society most western men hand over finances to wives since women are financially more responsible and they approve mans spending, my best canadian friend makes 250k plus, wife doesnt work and he cant eat a burger without her permission.

                            A lot of us are wary of the exploitative nature of overseas marriages so we feel it is important to speak up. It is the west that prompted women protection laws in PK.

                            Comment

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