Family Planning Advice

[UFC2015]

I got nikkaofied to my wife in 2019. We are currently waiting for the spousal sponsorship which has been in limbo thanks to Covid and there has been no progress on the application since then. I unfortunately due to luck, lack of good choices available at the time married pretty late in life i.e. at the age of 35. My wife is 20 years old and she has ambitions and passions to pursue Law further which on a full time basis will involve another 6 years of education, then having to do an apprenticeship/article-ship for a Law Firm and then having to write the Bar Exam. This could mean another 8 years of studies and then working.

While i am personally in no urgent rush to start a family asap but i also don't want to put it aside permanently either as it is something that a couple should strive for at some point. A lot of my friends privately whisper in my ear that you are now 35 years old, you already married extremely late in life, do you seriously want to wait for you wife to finish her studies, become a lawyer and then look to start a family at the age of 42-43? Don't you think that will be very late? Do you seriously want your kids to be unsettled, dependent on you by the time you reach retirement age at 60 years old, there is no telling what your health will be like by that time and whether you will actually be dependent yourself on your family. Therefore you should ignore your wife's desire to pursue Law and actually impose the decision of starting a family with her immediately within 5-6 months when her visa comes through and she actually starts living with you, she can try to pursue her law career later on one you guys have started a family and had 2-3 kids atleast.

A few notable exceptions including some women who fell into this trap have warned me against doing this as it is very very hard for women to focus on their careers, education once they have kids immediately after marriage and it is actually easier for them to start a family and balance work, family once they are professionally settled as they have the financial resources to hire help. They have also said that this talk of your kids being dependent on you when you reach 60 is rubbish, maybe you might live till your 70's, 80's and be able to run your own business and continue to provide for your family, kids. Maybe your wife will also be well settled enough and be able to support the kids out. Besides your kids will be living in the West, they will also have enough resources and aptitude to fend for themselves once they reach 18 plus. You should also look to invest your money, assets wisely and sign up for good life insurance policies.

Me and my spouse have had many general discussions on this topic but it is extremely hard for both of us to say anything on this issue for now given that her papers havent come through and she is sitting in Pakistan while i am living abroad. But i come from a family where we have always encouraged and let all the girls, women in the family study. Lol my dad is under the illusion that perhaps my wife will be able to study law via online courses, part time classes and still handling the kids. I have basically told my wife is that its pointless to think that far ahead right now and its best to go one step at a time, the first is for her to come to my country, the next step is for us to get comfortable living with each other as Husband and Wife, then the next step is for her to get used to living in her brand new country and my home, then the next step is for her to join the law program at University and atleast study for a year or two and get a feel for the studies, assess whether she will be able to handle starting a family, dealing with a todler and if the option of the online courses are there, feasible. This is how i am seeing it at the moment.

Anyways i thought i would get everyone's opinion on the subject and what tips, suggestions and perspective they have to offer

[LP]

I have basically told my wife is that its pointless to think that far ahead right now and its best to go one step at a time, the first is for her to come to my country, the next step is for us to get comfortable living with each other as Husband and Wife, then the next step is for her to get used to living in her brand new country and my home, then the next step is for her to join the law program at University and atleast study for a year or two and get a feel for the studies, assess whether she will be able to handle starting a family, dealing with a todler and if the option of the online courses are there, feasible. This is how i am seeing it at the moment.

This

[Bobby1]

When a young lady from a third world country marries a much older man she may have other priorities than getting comfortable. In the western society a woman is free to do things in whatever manner. It really should not take that long to get used to country and system. I got a job 20 days after my arrival.

As a much older husband you need to pamper her, what you cant provide in youth you have to compensate with your behavior. We had an aquaintence who married a much younger girl and on top of that was really awful to her and things ended up really badly for him.

Other advice I would give is to workout on a regular basis especial attention to legs and eat good food.

[toobah]

Why didn't you just marry the one who already has a career ? So you can straight away start your family with. I don't understand this craze of marrying younger girls, nothing wrong in it but I have seen people saying that no matter what girl should be atleast 4-5 years younger than the guy. You have 15 years of difference MashaAllah se...good. You are done with your career & probably so many other things too while she is still young obviously she will be ambitious.

[gudiaali]

I know of many girls who continued to study medicine after getting married and having babies. That too in Pakistan where the medical studies are tough and with house jobs at odd hours and stuff. I guess law studies would be less tougher as compare to medicine and in west you could easily avail the child day care facilities plus you can help her around the housework and that would make her manage her studies and kids both.

[Bobby1]

Why didn't you just marry the one who already has a career ? So you can straight away start your family with. I don't understand this craze of marrying younger girls, nothing wrong in it but I have seen people saying that no matter what girl should be atleast 4-5 years younger than the guy. You have 15 years of difference MashaAllah se...good. You are done with your career & probably so many other things too while she is still young obviously she will be ambitious.

Exploitation

[UFC2015]

Why didn't you just marry the one who already has a career ? So you can straight away start your family with. I don't understand this craze of marrying younger girls, nothing wrong in it but I have seen people saying that no matter what girl should be atleast 4-5 years younger than the guy. You have 15 years of difference MashaAllah se...good. You are done with your career & probably so many other things too while she is still young obviously she will be ambitious.

I am not very concerned about starting a family but obviously one has to think about it at some point. If god tells me "Relax, you will comfortably till your late 80's and be earning for a very long time" i will be extremely chill on this topic

[UFC2015]

I know of many girls who continued to study medicine after getting married and having babies. That too in Pakistan where the medical studies are tough and with house jobs at odd hours and stuff. I guess law studies would be less tougher as compare to medicine and in west you could easily avail the child day care facilities plus you can help her around the housework and that would make her manage her studies and kids both.

Will figure something out. Just wanted everyone's opinion and shared experiences

[decentGuy]

If you guys or your families had made some commitment to each other in this regard before nikah, then sticking to it should be the top priority regardless of what I’ve stated below.

Lately I’m hearing of, some close, some distant, male acquaintances of mine dying in their late 50s. That really makes me think about several things. One of which is that perhaps, as men, we don’t have as much time as it seems.

Children are like savings, the sooner you start, the better it is. But also just like savings, not everyone is in a position to start saving sooner and that is ok. One should however consider, when they die, the probability of their youngest child of having at least completed college.

A friend of mine has six children. He married early, completed his PhD and worked. While his wife took care of the kids full time. Now he takes care of the kids, as the youngest one is already around 6 years old, and works from home on the side. While his wife is now studying and got her Masters a few years back and now plans on pursuing her own PhD alongside her job. It sounds so glamorous but they made a lot of sacrifices along the way as a family but worked as a team. They lowered their cost of living for which they often had to hear taunts, they stayed socially isolated as it was too much for them, they skipped moving into a larger apartment, they skipped picnics and vacations, so on and so forth. And now mashallah they are on their way to a very wholesome and fulfilling life. Moral of the story is, if the intentions of both husband and wife are genuine, and goals are aligned then with little adjustments, things can work out just fine.