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    Advise needed regarding extra marital affair

    I need advise on behalf of my friend...and no bashing please.... here her side of story goes...
    " it started 4 years back when i was 32... before i start i want to give a little background... i belong to a very good nobel family... educated, good looking and doing a very good job. Got married at age of 20 and having 2 kids aged 14,13 now... i started working 8 years after my marriage as my husbamd lost his job and never found one again till now... this thing made him complexed and we used to had fights infront of kids over petty issues... 4 years back i was going through extreme official stress dufing some reasons and had to interact with a colleague for help. He made an issue out of it and we used to had daily fights about why i contacted him over calls and texts... he used to see my fon n gone thru msgs even there was nothing wrong except official issue discussion..but he made the hell out of it.. i was working plus i used to help kids with studies and used to do other house chores still he never gave me respect or acknowledged me.. being revengous i started talkinv to one of my other colleagues who had a very positive persobality.. long story short we became very good friends within few months.. we became companions.. in last 4 years we used to talk 24/7 thru texts emails etc. Had met outside workplace many times. Exchamged so many precious gifts... he was married as well and had a kid too.. his wife was working too. A better job then both of us but she is an overaged ugly lady... its not my statement heard it from many other people and then got to see her too.. we got so much involved in each other, literally forgot the world.. my husband became more doubtful and bad to me... he kept on telling my family about it that i may have someone in my life but i possess a very religious impact everywhwre . No one beleived him... me and that person reached to a point wjere i asked him if i cud take divorce and he can do secret marriage bcuz i was very fearful of being in an illicit relation.. but he refused... he said he hated his wife and we had an unsaid commitment of staying away from our spouses physically emotionally in any way.. 6 months back he told me his wife is pregnant.. since that day i feel like im empty handed. I lost control over me. Started taking drugs.. had an overdose on sleepong pills.. this all lead my family to dig out my fon.. one of my brother gone thru my msgs as one of his friends works in an sensitive institution.. and life become so darkest for me. My brother asked me to take divorce and give up on my kids and go with the man i was in relationship with.. i approached the guy and asked him for this thing. But he refused right away. And asked me to mend with husband and mend with brother.. i felt like im empty handed... i lost all respect infront of my maika and husband.. i lost crediblity.. tgough all of tjem said they forgave me but i feel so shameful and small.. i cant accept the fact that i was so easy to be left alone for him.. his 2nd child born.. it seems he moved on.. please if somebody can advise me anything so i wonf feel myself most worthless and shameful ugliest person in the world...

    #2
    Noone should judge you, no one should take a marriage for granted. If he did not work on loving you, showing appreciation and respect than you owed him nothing. It is a patriarchal society, I am sure if your brother had a relationship than he would not face the same scrutiny as you did.

    For advice, you should become super religious and act like you get premonitions and messages from buzurgs, give people religious advice and all and you will gain back more than you lost. Dont own upto nothing and claim your brother is a liar. Who the hell is he to interfere in your life?

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      #3
      I personally wouldn't trust a guy who is cheating on his wife, if the guy cannot be loyal to his first wife, how can he be loyal to the girl he is having a fling with? People get involved in affairs for the fun, thrill, short term escape but don't expect a guy to give up his kids, his wife for one night stands and affairs. Have seen many guys end things with the person they were having an affair with once things got way to serious and out of hand.

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        #4
        I'm not quite clear on what advice she is looking for. If she's accepting she made a mistake and is ashamed of it, she has said that everyone else involved has forgiven her. In that case, repent and move on and don't repeat the same mistakes.
        Tell your assassin to aim for her head...because she doesn't have a heart.

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          #5
          Originally posted by UFC2015 View Post
          I personally wouldn't trust a guy who is cheating on his wife, if the guy cannot be loyal to his first wife, how can he be loyal to the girl he is having a fling with? People get involved in affairs for the fun, thrill, short term escape but don't expect a guy to give up his kids, his wife for one night stands and affairs. Have seen many guys end things with the person they were having an affair with once things got way to serious and out of hand.
          agreed.

          also to the OP, i think your friends need to see someone professionally. Coming onto a board for advice is not going to help. She needs proper advice and help.

          i dont really understand the concept of cheating and how when gets there, it's beyond me, but i think a lot of times we blame others for our mistakes. If the roles had been reversed, and the friend was a guy, everyone would be telling the wife to leave and shuldn't stick around with a cheater. It's nice that for once, we're not bashing a female (as our society does enough of that) but, yeah, I think she needs professional help.
          happy happy happy... happy happy happy

          Comment


            #6
            If your husband and his family and your family have forgiven you, then consider yourself blessed. If the ones we have wronged have forgiven us, then maybe Allah will forgive us, too. Use your energy to strengthen your bond with your husband and his family and your children. Develop a bond with Allah through regular namaz and tasbeeh and ask Him to forgive you. You have much to be grateful for. Alhumdolillah, you didn't commit zina. and Allah prevented you and that other guy from carrying out any drastic and irreversible actions, He showed you the reality of the guy, and He granted you your family's forgiveness. If your husband still wants to remain with you, then be the best wife you can be. If you feel that you and him can benefit from some professional counseling as suggested above, then do so.

            Comment


              #7
              You sound like you were raised in Pakistan cause I've only met such rude people from there.

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                #8
                People are gonna gloss over the fact that she cheated on her husband lmaooo

                You ain't a victim, you deserve everything coming your way. Also if you can't type in English beyond an elementary level then stick to urdu, you're embarrassing.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by third string View Post
                  People are gonna gloss over the fact that she cheated on her husband lmaooo

                  You ain't a victim, you deserve everything coming your way. Also if you can't type in English beyond an elementary level then stick to urdu, you're embarrassing.
                  I am pretty sure I covered that part... about the cheating and blaming the partner for it. I'm sorry, maybe a decade ago i would have been more empathetic towards these situations, but blah.... what's wrong is wrong... there is grey yes, but doesn't make your wrong someone else's doing
                  happy happy happy... happy happy happy

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                    #10
                    Originally posted by sadzzz View Post

                    I am pretty sure I covered that part... about the cheating and blaming the partner for it. I'm sorry, maybe a decade ago i would have been more empathetic towards these situations, but blah.... what's wrong is wrong... there is grey yes, but doesn't make your wrong someone else's doing
                    ?? That's what I meant, the fact that she cheated on her husband and making herself out like the victim is pyschopathic behavior.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by third string View Post

                      ?? That's what I meant, the fact that she cheated on her husband and making herself out like the victim is pyschopathic behavior.
                      Hence she needs to see a specialist, not advice on a forum
                      happy happy happy... happy happy happy

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Thanks everyone for kind words except third string... we muslims arw from ummat of the nabi s.a.w.w who never ever bash sinners... third strimg your comments made me feel more humiliated... anyways i missed to mention shes been taking sessions from a psychotherapist and taking antidepressants as well... she getting into relationship is the outcome of extreme toxicity from husband... advice was required regarding how to get the self esteem and confidence back that she lost completely... its pretty hard for her going same work place where the guy is working in an attitude as if nothing happened.. he moved on very easily.. she feels extreme humiliated that she lost almost everythinb in this relationship and the other person dont have to lose anything and got entertained for a good 4 years... its hard to start over again... she felt like extreme humiliated depressed lost hopes for life.. frequently having suicidal thoughts.. she need advice to get over this feeling of being used being humiliated being played on and left out... thats it
                        third string, you tried to be religious police but u forgot how our prophet treated extreme sinners.. i can very well understand how the depression and suicide rate is rising here.. let me quote a hadith.. if u cant speak good, keep quite.. hope you will remain quite instead of being mean about someone on verge of suicide ..by bashing her and pointing out mistakes in her writing...

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Third string have a peaceful sleep tonight that you made someone feel like crap and made her to have an overdose of xanax... the brutal people like you ruin the positivity some other members have shown for her... you know better than Allah what she deserves????? Does Allah make you judge over people????

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Originally posted by mom of 2 dolls View Post
                            Third string have a peaceful sleep tonight that you made someone feel like crap and made her to have an overdose of xanax... the brutal people like you ruin the positivity some other members have shown for her... you know better than Allah what she deserves????? Does Allah make you judge over people????
                            You really need to start taking responsibility and accountability for your own actions. And stop putting blame on others.

                            What is this dramatic behavior that you took an overdose because of third string? Stop this emotional blackmailing and victim card.

                            Third string didn't even bring in religion. It's your own guilt speaking and assuming all that.
                            And we can and should judge wrong behaviors and actions of others. So cut this don't judge ****.

                            You are looking for sympathy here and a pat on your back. Every action has consequences. Your family and most importantly, your husband forgave you. What more do you want. Instead of working on damage control and restoring your relationships, your focus is still on your ex and your bruised ego.

                            Get counseling or whatever help you need and in sha Allah you will get your peace and happiness back.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              how could someone get so emotional about someone's comment on a forum? seriously?!

                              That is why i said, seek professional help.
                              happy happy happy... happy happy happy

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