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    Babies

    should i give up on wanting them?

    growing up as an only child, sucks. I have always wanted a big family of my own. Clearly that isnt happening.

    everyone always says “whatever happens, happens for the best. Ive never been a believer in that. But lets say its true.

    so, does that mean its good im childless? Despite being married in the past and all, i have never been been pregnant let alone gave birth.

    is this for the best? Cuz maybe if i have kids, i would be a bad mother? That my kids would turn out to be horrible? Cuz we certainly dont need more badly raised kids.

    should i crush that dream and let it go? Cuz technically, it would be for the best?
    Last edited by akaprincess; Mar 12, 2020, 04:03 PM.

    #2
    Giving birth is not the only way one can become a mother. If you think that the possibilities of that are vague in future, then you can always look at adoption. This way u can be a mother to someone who needs a mother. I admire the way sushmita adopted her girls. If you are ready to be a single mother, then why not. And you will only know if u are a bad mother or good mother only after u have a child by natural means or by adoption.

    I feel, there are no bad mothers, just bad days. Every mother always tries to be the best with their child. Good luck for your future.

    Comment


      #3
      If you think you are not good mother material because you're still childless, then, by that logic every woman going thru infertility issues is being denied this same wish because they'd also be a potential bad mom. That doesn't make sense, does it?
      Also, how many women do get babies and either dump them outside or abuse them and damage their childhoods? Shouldn't they have stayed childless too? Not experiencing a pregnancy is painful (I know), but so does having a miscarriage amd stillbirth or going thru a pregnancy and passing away after delivering your baby.
      As a muslim, you must believe and have tawakkul as Allah (swt) is not unfair. It's just that He knows the whole picture whereas we only have a few pieces of the puzzle.

      It feels like some kind of punishment, but it's a test, a hardship. I agree it's difficult and confusing when others around you receive the very thing you pray for, even when some of them don't appreciate the blessing or not as much as we think we would, but we often get tested on the things we love most. In your case it might be babies, that might be your reason to stay close to Allah (swt) and continue to make dua. It will be counted as worship and if there is khair in it for you, Insha Allah you will find a wonderful husband and have kids. Lot of people dream about having a big family, but in this day and age, in such an unpredictable and scary world, one needs to adjust dreams accordingly. That doesn't mean you stop asking Allah (swt) for the things you want, otherwise we wouldn't have needed to make dua for anything.
      Last edited by Mademoiselle; Mar 12, 2020, 08:03 AM.
      Pyaar waliyan nu nayio vekh sakda zamaana..

      Comment


      • akaprincess
        akaprincess commented
        Editing a comment
        Very well said. Thank you

      • akaprincess
        akaprincess commented
        Editing a comment
        And yes that logic still remains if you go by the whole “every thing happens for the best”. So in that theory, someone who has fertility issues, well it has to be for the best, right? thats all im saying

        i generally disagree with this saying.

      #4
      You dedicate your life to them and when they grow up they are mean to you and blame you. The new generation will not take care of the parents. There is a reason many people are choosing to not have kids plus I am not sure if this world is a good place to bring children in.

      Comment


      • redvelvet
        redvelvet commented
        Editing a comment
        I cannot even fathom the possibility that you should possess any characteristics, habits, or tendencies that should vex your children.


      • Bobby1
        Bobby1 commented
        Editing a comment
        redvelvet I actually gave them all the freedoms and choices and provided them with an amazing upbringing, spent all my life and time putting them thru high level competitive sports, drove them to practice at 5 am , gave them freedoms to go out , make friends, choose their faith, identity and also morality, so happy they did not turn out to be angry judgmental bigots who need to claim relevance on their fake religiosity. So happy they didn't grow up believing their destiny lies in tona totka..lol

      • redvelvet
        redvelvet commented
        Editing a comment
        Haye haye. Completely irrelevant response as usual, but I guess it still struck a nerve. Mission accomplished

      #5
      Originally posted by Bobby1 View Post
      You dedicate your life to them and when they grow up they are mean to you and blame you. The new generation will not take care of the parents. There is a reason many people are choosing to not have kids plus I am not sure if this world is a good place to bring children in.

      You do not raise children to expect they will care for you, or give you much importance in your life. They have already given enough joy and pleasure by giving you an opportunity to enjoy and cherish their presence in your life, get comfort from seeing them grow up and become independent. Childrem have no obligations to look after their parents, good on them if they do. This is circle of life and will continue regardless.
      Doctor, 17+ countries, surfer, hiker, skier and yoga fan… get the picture?

      Comment


        #6
        ^ tell toxic and/or narcissistic parents that.
        Pyaar waliyan nu nayio vekh sakda zamaana..

        Comment


          #7
          Originally posted by navzzz View Post


          You do not raise children to expect they will care for you, or give you much importance in your life. They have already given enough joy and pleasure by giving you an opportunity to enjoy and cherish their presence in your life, get comfort from seeing them grow up and become independent. Childrem have no obligations to look after their parents, good on them if they do. This is circle of life and will continue regardless.
          Agree but also there are many issues with society and it may not be a right place to bring in babies to deal with drugs, loneliness, hatred, bigotry etc. There is a reason birth rates are declining in the west.,

          Comment


            #8
            The birth rate declining in many countries is due to several reasons. Also, if someone wants to have a family and raise kids, he/she should be able to do so despite societal issues. We shouldn't make them doubt or feel bad and irresponsible for wanting babies, that's not going to solve the problems which already exist. As there are many parents who do decide to bring kids into this world but don't know how to raise their kids and turn them into healthy (muslim) human beings with morals and manners. We need kids raised well to balance things out, especially good sons, not the toxic spoiled mummy boys for example.

            Pyaar waliyan nu nayio vekh sakda zamaana..

            Comment


              #9
              Originally posted by akaprincess View Post
              should i give up on wanting them?

              growing up as an only child, sucks. I have always wanted a big family of my own. Clearly that isnt happening.

              everyone always says “whatever happens, happens for the best. Ive never been a believer in that. But lets say its true.

              so, does that mean its good im childless? Despite being married in the past and all, i have never been been pregnant let alone gave birth.

              is this for the best? Cuz maybe if i have kids, i would be a bad mother? That my kids would turn out to be horrible? Cuz we certainly dont need more badly raised kids.

              should i crush that dream and let it go? Cuz technically, it would be for the best?
              Why do you want to have kids? Have you thought about the reason you want kids?

              If you don't have a single kid then there's no 'only child growing up alone'.
              Be someone that makes YOU happy

              Comment


                #10
                Originally posted by Bobby1 View Post

                Agree but also there are many issues with society and it may not be a right place to bring in babies to deal with drugs, loneliness, hatred, bigotry etc. There is a reason birth rates are declining in the west.,

                Again, the decision to have children was yours and only yours. Whatever the societal changes and current affairs.

                People should not be criticised for being selfish if they decide not to have children. People should not be expected to be treated favourably by their children or the society if they do decide to have them.
                Doctor, 17+ countries, surfer, hiker, skier and yoga fan… get the picture?

                Comment


                  #11
                  Originally posted by navzzz View Post


                  Again, the decision to have children was yours and only yours. Whatever the societal changes and current affairs.

                  People should not be criticised for being selfish if they decide not to have children. People should not be expected to be treated favourably by their children or the society if they do decide to have them.
                  Everyone is free to chose their morality in the free world. I took care of my parents and taught my children to respect and love parents. Not everyone can be a good parent and if someone is not willing to dedicate their life to raising good happy and healthy kids than they should not procreate, look at all the unhappy, negative, hatefu, bigots around

                  Comment


                    #12
                    redvelvet we should raise babies to become adults whose achievements are a bit more than gloating about hitting nerves.

                    Comment


                      #13
                      "You dedicate your life to them and when they grow up they are mean to you and blame you"
                      "I actually gave them all the freedoms and choices and provided them with an amazing upbringing, spent all my life and time putting them thru high level competitive sports, drove them to practice at 5 am , gave them freedoms to go out , make friends, choose their faith, identity and also morality"

                      Bobby1 sir, I mean no offense, but if you raise your children with good solid moral values ,like you did, then of course they are going to be upset and blame you if you dump their mom and shack up with a hot co-worker.

                      Comment


                        #14
                        krash all kids get upset at parents breaking up. The unfortunate thing is many in east feel entitled to great love without putting in work, relationships are hard work and my family exploited me cooking cleaning and providing an amazing income, putting them thru sports etc

                        BTW I have not dumped my previous wife, now I have two gorgeous wives, I am fitter than ever and what I offer my first wife is better than ever, now we are intimate more times in a week than we used to in a year, my first wife has lost weight, works out and now dresses well also

                        To me values include not taking things for granted, showing appreciation, not complaining, whining or making excuses

                        Comment


                        • krash
                          krash commented
                          Editing a comment
                          Hmmm, maybe the two-timing is also against the moral values they were raised with.

                        • redvelvet
                          redvelvet commented
                          Editing a comment
                          Please spare us such details. We don’t need to know about how frequently in a week or a year you get your freak on.

                        #15
                        krash who says monogamy is immoral, most moral leaders were not monogamous. All parties have a choice to leave or to stay and both women decided to stay, they both are wealthy and financially and emotionally independent and strong.

                        Comment


                        • navzzz
                          navzzz commented
                          Editing a comment
                          Polygamy is not immoral, agree. As long as both wives are happy with the arrangement and get equal rights and time from their husband unless one willingly forfeits her rights.
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