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    #16
    Originally posted by Cashmere View Post
    Before I give my input, I want to know where you're originally from. Where were you before marriage, Pakistan or some other country?


    Originally from Pakistan but born and brought up in Dubai.

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      #17
      So, you've spent a life in Dubai yet you're staying in Pakistan with his parents and he's the one working in Dubai. I'm assuming your parents are in Dubai too. Why don't your parents pitch in and ask him to have you brought back to Dubai? You need your elders neutrally stepping in to have you come live with him (without making it sound like you complained). Are your parents willing to help with the visa, if he uses his income as an excuse? Have you worked in Dubai before getting married? If yes, you should be looking for a job ASAP! Stop wasting time and look for jobs in Dubai, even during times you're visiting him. If there are interviews, pretend to visit your parents and attend those interviews. If it's hard to hide, let him know you're looking for employment because you miss him and you want to be together. You need to start planning ahead NOW. Because the primary reason women stay in toxic marriages is financial insecurity.

      Simply put, this marriage is not worth it if you stay in Pakistan with mil. There is probably much, much more to the story that you yourself don't know about (gossip pertaining to you and shikwe shikayaten to your husband behind your back). Both are toxic, but there's a 50-50 chance husband might improve or remain a sheep. Even if there's any hope in this marriage, there's no way you'd be able to nurture a mutual understanding if you're living apart like this. Your first priority should be moving back to Dubai. Second priority would be getting a job. In the worst case scenario, you'll be working and raising kids on your own. Nobody could take away your kids in Dubai. You'll get full custody. At best, you will be with your husband away from mil raising your kids however you want. You'll get to see if this guy is capable of giving you a good life without constant interference from his parents. If he remains toxic, well then you know where the problem lies. It's not his mom, it's him. You'll see the real him and get to decide whether you could live with that. Either way, you'd be on your own two feet in a country you know well. Being financially independent will relieve you from insecurity and grant you complete impartiality in deciding whether you want to keep this marriage or not.


      So let me summarize what I'd do:

      1. Move back to Dubai
      2. Get a job, no matter what.
      3. Put kids in school/daycare (not sure how many you have) Ask husband to pitch into childcare during workhours. If he cooperates, good.
      4. If he doesn't cooperate, I will do everything I can to WORK. Can't let anything get in the way. Use help from parents, siblings, nani dadi whatever. If parents aren't supportive, beg them to help out with babysitting until there's no doubt they won't. Use help from friends/acquaintances (you must have some since you lived there all your life. Offer to pay a reduced babysitting price)
      5. Save up $$$ and buy gold jewelry with it every now and then so that savings don't show
      6. Even if things look good for the time being, DON'T stop! Keep improving financially!
      7. Don't make a decision until financially independent
      Last edited by Cashmere; Jul 15, 2020, 02:11 AM.
      "Brevity is the soul of wit." Hamlet, William Shakespeare.

      Comment


        #18
        Originally posted by Cashmere View Post
        So, you've spent a life in Dubai yet you're staying in Pakistan with his parents and he's the one working in Dubai. I'm assuming your parents are in Dubai too. Why don't your parents pitch in and ask him to have you brought back to Dubai? You need your elders neutrally stepping in to have you come live with him (without making it sound like you complained). Are your parents willing to help with the visa, if he uses his income as an excuse? Have you worked in Dubai before getting married? If yes, you should be looking for a job ASAP! Stop wasting time and look for jobs in Dubai, even during times you're visiting him. If there are interviews, pretend to visit your parents and attend those interviews. If it's hard to hide, let him know you're looking for employment because you miss him and you want to be together. You need to start planning ahead NOW. Because the primary reason women stay in toxic marriages is financial insecurity.

        Simply put, this marriage is not worth it if you stay in Pakistan with mil. There is probably much, much more to the story that you yourself don't know about (gossip pertaining to you and shikwe shikayaten to your husband behind your back). Both are toxic, but there's a 50-50 chance husband might improve or remain a sheep. Even if there's any hope in this marriage, there's no way you'd be able to nurture a mutual understanding if you're living apart like this. Your first priority should be moving back to Dubai. Second priority would be getting a job. In the worst case scenario, you'll be working and raising kids on your own. Nobody could take away your kids in Dubai. You'll get full custody. At best, you will be with your husband away from mil raising your kids however you want. You'll get to see if this guy is capable of giving you a good life without constant interference from his parents. If he remains toxic, well then you know where the problem lies. It's not his mom, it's him. You'll see the real him and get to decide whether you could live with that. Either way, you'd be on your own two feet in a country you know well. Being financially independent will relieve you from insecurity and grant you complete impartiality in deciding whether you want to keep this marriage or not.


        So let me summarize what I'd do:

        1. Move back to Dubai
        2. Get a job, no matter what.
        3. Put kids in school/daycare (not sure how many you have) Ask husband to pitch into childcare during workhours. If he cooperates, good.
        4. If he doesn't cooperate, I will do everything I can to WORK. Can't let anything get in the way. Use help from parents, siblings, nani dadi whatever. If parents aren't supportive, beg them to help out with babysitting until there's no doubt they won't. Use help from friends/acquaintances (you must have some since you lived there all your life. Offer to pay a reduced babysitting price)
        5. Save up $$$ and buy gold jewelry with it every now and then so that savings don't show
        6. Even if things look good for the time being, DON'T stop! Keep improving financially!
        7. Don't make a decision until financially independent
        Loved the suggestions you gave . My next step will be to look for a job when I will be there in Dubai, InShaAllah!

        Comment


          #19
          If you are looking for a job I suggest you create a profile on cvpaper.com. Recruiters will automatically find your resume and contact you.

          Comment


            #20
            Originally posted by rose_petal View Post
            Hi everyone!
            I am in a very stressful situation and would like to get your opinions that what would you do in a similar situation.
            The issue is, my in-laws especially my mother-in-law has too much interference in our married life. I have no freedom to make when it comes to my kids. What to give him, what to make them wear, in short in everything she decides herself and if i try to do anything, she starts taking out faults that it should not be this way, etc. I feel like a stupid.
            Also, by making scenes like they cant live without my both kids, my husband has forced me to live in Pakistan against my wish. If i try to reason with my husband on this, he says as long as a wife has a house to live in with all facilities, she should be happy. They are planning to get our child admitted in school, again it is against my wish.
            Also, whenever my husband calls us to the country he lives in, she ensures she comes along too and then she wants to come back my husband ensures we go back with her.
            If i think of separation, first i am scared that they may take away my kids from me. I am scared of losing my kids.
            I have no support from my family, they are least bothered whether i live or die.
            Please advise what should i do?
            The fact that your MIL making decision behalf of your kids is so backward and twisted. And your husband not even standing up with you. So you know what is best for you at this point of life.

            Comment


              #21
              Originally posted by sonnykuri View Post

              The fact that your MIL making decision behalf of your kids is so backward and twisted. And your husband not even standing up with you. So you know what is best for you at this point of life.
              Well, for my husband, his parents come first and according to him he cant leave them alone.
              And for my mil, she thinks it is bahu’s responsibility to look after whole house and cook and serve mil and fil.
              She says she raised and looked after her sons with this thinking that once they grow up, they will get her bahus who will do her khidmat and she will have some rest .

              Comment


                #22
                Parents coming first doesn't mean the wife should come second. And bahu's responsibility is only for her husband and vice versa. Not her in-laws. If your in-laws DEMAND this from you then they are crazy.
                My In-laws are amazing people. Never ever they asked me to cook and clean. My MIL says, " beti tumhare ana seh pahle bhee tu kamm hu rahaii thai yahan". BUT i help her out cook and clean out of my OWN choice. And I chose to live with my in-laws instead of living separately.

                Comment


                  #23
                  Originally posted by sonnykuri View Post
                  Parents coming first doesn't mean the wife should come second. And bahu's responsibility is only for her husband and vice versa. Not her in-laws. If your in-laws DEMAND this from you then they are crazy.
                  My In-laws are amazing people. Never ever they asked me to cook and clean. My MIL says, " beti tumhare ana seh pahle bhee tu kamm hu rahaii thai yahan". BUT i help her out cook and clean out of my OWN choice. And I chose to live with my in-laws instead of living separately.
                  That’s nice, MashaAllah!
                  The root-cause of all the issues is my mil, with all the rona dhona she does with my husband. And for my husband, he has seen his mom serving her in-laws, so the same he wants his wife to do as well. It is very complicated, and impossible to put some sense into these guys. Basically they follow culture instead of religion in regards to this!!!

                  Comment


                    #24
                    Terrible circumstances.
                    I have a sister in law in US in pretty much the same ****ty situation as your's. The only slight difference is, she's with the same guy serving the same MIL for 23 years now.
                    Yes! Believe it or not but yeah, its been decades and despite being pretty much self-sufficient and confident in her guts, had to endure all of this... the catch was, kids.
                    Just like you, she has access to good jobs and livelihood. Just like you she is mature and intelligent and knows what's and not's of a family system. Just like you she has been obedient to her Husband's wishes and had to adapt to his lifestyle. And just like you; she has no support whatsoever from her own family. Coincidentally they are also in US but, you know how the dice rolls in our culture.

                    So what I can suggest to you is ... try talking to your husband and be as clear as daylight. If talking is not going to resolve anything, then...

                    FIGHT.

                    I mean take it to the court if you have to... and that's your only option. The only thing my SIL avoided was a direct confrontation with her husband on her freedom of choice, because like you she was afraid for her children, but then after 23 years and someone asks her about her priorities and she would still wanna escape with her children to a far off land. Now her eldest son is in Uni, but because of this eco system he is quite spineless, though he fully knows what her mother has to go through every day. It's just not into him. And for the most part, no one can blame him. Would you like your children to be like him?

                    If your MIL and others are just as you have portrayed them here, then for the love of God don't' hesitate in retaliation. Up there Cashmere has suggested moving back to Dubai and securing yourself a Job and e.t.c. That shd be your priority now. You need to get firm asap.
                    Hope the best. GOOD LUCK.
                    Seriously Allergic to dust, bull__t, Sheep & Lotas.

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