Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

What would you do!?

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    What would you do!?

    Hi everyone!
    I am in a very stressful situation and would like to get your opinions that what would you do in a similar situation.
    The issue is, my in-laws especially my mother-in-law has too much interference in our married life. I have no freedom to make when it comes to my kids. What to give him, what to make them wear, in short in everything she decides herself and if i try to do anything, she starts taking out faults that it should not be this way, etc. I feel like a stupid.
    Also, by making scenes like they cant live without my both kids, my husband has forced me to live in Pakistan against my wish. If i try to reason with my husband on this, he says as long as a wife has a house to live in with all facilities, she should be happy. They are planning to get our child admitted in school, again it is against my wish.
    Also, whenever my husband calls us to the country he lives in, she ensures she comes along too and then she wants to come back my husband ensures we go back with her.
    If i think of separation, first i am scared that they may take away my kids from me. I am scared of losing my kids.
    I have no support from my family, they are least bothered whether i live or die.
    Please advise what should i do?

    #2
    In an ideal world you would be able to use your Islamic rights as a wife to get rid of parasitic in laws interference. And when stuck to a mummy's boy, the toxic mother-son relationship doesn't improve with time or daughter-in-law's patience.

    What country are you from? Do you live with your husband or just his dearest mother?
    Pyaar waliyan nu nayio vekh sakda zamaana..

    Comment


      #3
      Originally posted by Mademoiselle View Post
      In an ideal world you would be able to use your Islamic rights as a wife to get rid of parasitic in laws interference. And when stuck to a mummy's boy, the toxic mother-son relationship doesn't improve with time or daughter-in-law's patience.

      What country are you from? Do you live with your husband or just his dearest mother?
      Currently i am living with my in-laws in Pakistan. I used to live with my husband in Dubai but currently no more. Now I regularly visit him after a few months but again along with my in-laws.

      Comment


        #4
        It's very tricky when as a woman, your own family decides to let you figure it out all by yourself.
        As for your saas, her overinvolvement when it comes to your kids and the fact that she for some reason doesn't want you to spend quality time with just your husband and kids alone is alarming to say the least. After all, they are *your* kids, not hers. She already raised a guy with no spine. She's probably one of those mothers filled with jealousy unable to accept the fact that their sons are married now. The fact that she/they decide things concerning your kids and makes you feel stupid if you say something shows a lack of boundaries and respect. This is how lots of women are viewed in pk culture by their hubby and in-laws anyway, as mere baby-making machines to provide (grand)children and that's it. And who knows as your kids will grow older, the saas will consider it her right to make even bigger decisions.
        Also, so what if your saas opens her mouth to try and belittle you? That's verbal and emotional *abuse* and she will be able to upset you with her words as long as you'll let her have that control over you. Just ef her and feed and dress your kids the way you want without having to feel scared. Set boundaries, with tact. Have you spoken with your husband about this or is he the kind of man who doesn't tolerate complaints about his mother and considers it not a big deal?

        I don't know what to say, maybe other members will be more helpful to you. I am very anti-evilsaas and anti-spinelesshusbands anyway. As for losing your kids, I don't live in Pak so idk the chances of this actually happening.

        Does you husband have any siblings or is he only child? What's his plan tho? You stay in Pak to keep his mother company while he will continue to work and live in Dubai?
        Also, seperation/divorce is not an easy step and should be last-option kinda thing in most cases, but since you cannot count on your own family, would you be able to support yourself and your kids?

        May Allah protect everyone against such mother-in-laws, Ameen.
        Pyaar waliyan nu nayio vekh sakda zamaana..

        Comment


          #5
          My husband is a stubborn person who just likes imposing his decisions. Even if i try to voice my opinions and wishes, and if we get into an argument, the only solution which he would then have is separation. The only option which i am provided by him is either to take it or leave it.
          He does have 3 more siblings and all of them are living their own lives. So he says it is his responsibility to look after his parents. I have never stopped him from doing so. But the problem is, they are on priority for him and I am being ignored, and he wants me to stay in Pak with them to look after them.
          I am someone who has lots of patience but I feel it is getting too much now, beyond my level of tolerance. That’s why the only solution which I can think of is separation. Financially, i can manage to support myself and my kids. I had a good job which i left because i was forced to, so that I can move to Pak.

          Comment


            #6

            Pyaar waliyan nu nayio vekh sakda zamaana..

            Comment


              #7
              Originally posted by rose_petal View Post
              My husband is a stubborn person who just likes imposing his decisions. Even if i try to voice my opinions and wishes, and if we get into an argument, the only solution which he would then have is separation. The only option which i am provided by him is either to take it or leave it.
              He does have 3 more siblings and all of them are living their own lives. So he says it is his responsibility to look after his parents. I have never stopped him from doing so. But the problem is, they are on priority for him and I am being ignored, and he wants me to stay in Pak with them to look after them.
              I am someone who has lots of patience but I feel it is getting too much now, beyond my level of tolerance. That’s why the only solution which I can think of is separation. Financially, i can manage to support myself and my kids. I had a good job which i left because i was forced to, so that I can move to Pak.
              When zidd and ego are present, it's often wasted efforts to try resolve conflict which obv results in negative consequences. Either wife submits and gives up or decides to stand up and God knows what may happen. I'm sure your patience has almost reached its limits, this is still abuse whether brown people agree or not.

              What exactly does he mean with "his responsibility to look after his parents"? If I'm correct he himself lives abroad while you are the one living with his family. So how exactly is *he* taking care of them? Financially? He can still do that while you join him in Dubai. Or is his responsibilty supplying his mother/parents with a bahu? Even if they have a maid who does most of the work at home. It doesn't make sense. Don't call it "your" responsibility if you expect your wife to take care of them and you don't even ask her permission whether she agrees to it or not. Does he even know about his responsibilities as a husband in Islam.
              Also, if he doesn't give you options and instead tells you to separate in case you cannot accept such living conditions, despite having been patient, how will his dearest mother survive without your kids then, since she can't leave you alone right now as if her life depends on it? Whattaloadofbull****.
              From my experiences, even if the toxic husband has other siblings, these siblings will have a less or non-toxic relationship with their parent/s and are able to do their own thing.

              Since you'd be able yo financially support yourself and your kids that's good. If the situation really becomes unbearable and you have tried your best, ultimately there comes a point where your might have to choose to save your own sanity. It would not help your kids either to see their mom stay with the in-laws, resent them and suffer instead of separating. I do obv hope your husband comes around, insha Allah. Make sincere dua to Allah, during the times when duas are sure to be responded to, such as during rain or before breaking fast et cetera.
              Last edited by Mademoiselle; Feb 3, 2020, 02:39 PM.
              Pyaar waliyan nu nayio vekh sakda zamaana..

              Comment


                #8
                Reading this made me frustrated, a grown woman being treated like a child with all of the decisions being made for her. I wish I could tell you to take control of your life and put your foot down but knowing these types of people, it is not going to down well. Sometimes you have no choice though because stubborn people very rarely change.
                Anything worth doing is worth doing well.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by aqua70 View Post
                  Reading this made me frustrated, a grown woman being treated like a child with all of the decisions being made for her. I wish I could tell you to take control of your life and put your foot down but knowing these types of people, it is not going to down well. Sometimes you have no choice though because stubborn people very rarely change.
                  There's always a choice. She has the choice to take it or leave it. She chooses to accept his decision because of her fears of separation.

                  Be someone that makes YOU happy

                  Comment


                  • aqua70
                    aqua70 commented
                    Editing a comment
                    Very true. Without a support system though, I understand her hesitation.

                  #10
                  Originally posted by aqua70 View Post
                  Reading this made me frustrated, a grown woman being treated like a child with all of the decisions being made for her. I wish I could tell you to take control of your life and put your foot down but knowing these types of people, it is not going to down well. Sometimes you have no choice though because stubborn people very rarely change.
                  But this is the reality for so many women in this society. They have to live with different types of abuse from the husband or in-laws and even then it's not an easy step to separate. For men it is, not so much for women.
                  It boggles the human mind. The husband who has such a huge responsibility over his wife and kids first, is useless. Even after marriage he usually remains a son first, a husband second. The saas, a fellow woman, makes life unbearable. Yet you will still have people claim "they are our mothers/elders, we need to respect and tolerate **** from them". Or those people who cannot tolerate any complaints regarding pk culture when it clearly goes against Islamic teachings, you won't hear them when there are women actually stuck between a rock and a hard place because of said culture.
                  Yes, it is not an easy responsibility for married men to find a balance between his wife and mother, but most of these men don't even try ffs. If you are too weak to handle this responsibility given to you by Allah, then don't blindly side with your mother/family either.

                  I don't know what it will take for husbands to finally stand up for their wives. If they look at her as a fellow human being that's already a big deal. She is a wife and mother first with her own ability to make decisions, a daughter-in-law second. I don't care if it's your mother who can't be replaced and paradise is beneath her feet, in my eyes she is just a human who has her own shortcomings and dysfunctional mentalities. As for women who are not mother-in-laws yet, I don't have sympathy for these women who may have gone thru similar ordeals as a wife and bahu, if they continue this cycle when they become mother-in-laws themselves. If your jealousy doesn't allow you to see you son happy with someone's daughter then for the love of Allah keep him single and childless. How many brown children end up hating their dad's side of the family? It's because of things like these. Idiot jahils. If you choose to destroy a marriage because your selfish ego doesn't want to compromise or admit wrong and rectify things in order to save it, then you're exactly that.

                  /rant over
                  Pyaar waliyan nu nayio vekh sakda zamaana..

                  Comment


                    #11
                    Rose Petal you can make a change and a difference and I can sense it in your attitude and the way you speak that you are a woman of change. I dont see that very often in woman who are living in pakistan, so damn you go woman!! I want to say your husband is just something else. It is HIS responsibility to care for his parents, not yours !! But he has left you to care for the MIL while he enjoys his life in dubai, yeah thats going to be hard NO.

                    First off I want you to understand that the situation will get worse before it gets better. There will be emotional blackmail and all the such. There will be threats to take your kiddos away from you - does not make it true. First step is to go into incognito mode (private mode) and search up pakistani law around seperation and who gets the rights to their children. We want to make sure this snoppy mother in law doesn't see what is happening. I remember my mom once saying that in islamic law children are meant to stay with their mom under the age of 10. Only then can they live with their father. So if ur kiddos are under 10, you should be good. But again look into the legalities, know what is going on, be educated about this, it will give you power. Find out the rulings in dubai as well, and what you have to do to be able to work there. If you can stay and work and not leave dubai, I think that would be the best option.

                    Second find your supports. It could be from gupshuppians or people you are close to and trust. If things get tough, they will be golden to help support you through this. Start saving up a back up of funds (from husbands income of course lol) so that you are financially prepared and have funds to help in case you need it.

                    Third - Next time you are in Dubai love. Refuse to leave. Refuse. Tell him that husband and wife are supposed to live together and have partnership in a relationship. That you as YOUR KIDS MOTHER have just as much right as his mother. You have rights to your children! Not the old lady. If your husband threatens to leave, then so be it. Flip it on him. Tell him that the options are that he lets you stay and work things out with you or you guys seperate. That should shock him. If you can get a job in dubai before leaving thats even better. If there are abuse or help services in dubai for women, please access them!! They will help so dang much. Connect with your fellow ladies in dubai. I read a book called a good wife and in that book that woman was getting abused and she started going to this daycare and she got connected to services that help women. From there her journey began because she started building a support network of woman who believed that she can do it!

                    Fourth - Two things can happen. Either he will be smart and work with you, or you may have to move out with the children. Again, have your supports ready if you need help. And it's way better to move out in dubai than pakistan. If it has to be in pakistan, access the services there if you can! do the same things as suggested. and befriend people who support you and dont entertain people who bring you down or tell you to 'compromise' or 'this is a womans job'. It's not, those people want their own comfort, not to see you happy. Limit or cut off your time with them. Be with people who support you. And P.S we support you !!! You deserve a life where you are not expected to be a slave and for that you gotta fight for it and get it. May allah help you through this journey.

                    I shared a lot of stuff to take in, please let me know if you have any questions, or concerns. I am here for you !

                    Comment


                      #12
                      Originally posted by Mademoiselle View Post
                      But this is the reality for so many women in this society. They have to live with different types of abuse from the husband or in-laws and even then it's not an easy step to separate. For men it is, not so much for women.
                      It boggles the human mind. The husband who has such a huge responsibility over his wife and kids first, is useless. Even after marriage he usually remains a son first, a husband second. The saas, a fellow woman, makes life unbearable. Yet you will still have people claim "they are our mothers/elders, we need to respect and tolerate **** from them". Or those people who cannot tolerate any complaints regarding pk culture when it clearly goes against Islamic teachings, you won't hear them when there are women actually stuck between a rock and a hard place because of said culture.
                      Yes, it is not an easy responsibility for married men to find a balance between his wife and mother, but most of these men don't even try ffs. If you are too weak to handle this responsibility given to you by Allah, then don't blindly side with your mother/family either.

                      I don't know what it will take for husbands to finally stand up for their wives. If they look at her as a fellow human being that's already a big deal. She is a wife and mother first with her own ability to make decisions, a daughter-in-law second. I don't care if it's your mother who can't be replaced and paradise is beneath her feet, in my eyes she is just a human who has her own shortcomings and dysfunctional mentalities. As for women who are not mother-in-laws yet, I don't have sympathy for these women who may have gone thru similar ordeals as a wife and bahu, if they continue this cycle when they become mother-in-laws themselves. If your jealousy doesn't allow you to see you son happy with someone's daughter then for the love of Allah keep him single and childless. How many brown children end up hating their dad's side of the family? It's because of things like these. Idiot jahils. If you choose to destroy a marriage because your selfish ego doesn't want to compromise or admit wrong and rectify things in order to save it, then you're exactly that.

                      /rant over
                      Exactly and it's usually the dad's side of the family causing issues. I don't even speak to them anymore.

                      Comment


                        #13
                        Sorry to hear you are forced to live away from your husband. I understand how difficult life could be in such circumstances. Whether you want to stay married or not is up to you but if you decide to stay married, I have a few tips to share. I knew two guys from my neighbourhood with similar qualifications who got jobs abroad and had to leave their wives and kids back.

                        One guy’s wife kept complaining, kept picking fights with inlaws, became less and less disciplined while ignoring her children to the extent that they got expelled from school. Her husband resigned from the job abroad and joined her due to mounting pressure from her. He took a big demotion even compared to his old job that he had left to go abroad.

                        The other guy’s wife worked on improving her communication skills and discipline. Dealt with kids school issues, kids tuition issues, home repair issues, and worked with inlaws. Her husband worked for a couple of decades abroad. They were able to purchase a house in cash and all their kids graduated from top universities in the city.

                        It was very tough being the second guy’s wife for all those years but it paid off dividends. Only you know your circumstances, perhaps my example does not fit but since you asked what would I do, so I would make the best out of my circumstances like the 2nd guy's wife.

                        Comment


                          #14
                          Hi everyone!
                          Thank you for the encouraging posts.
                          So, I have been living with my husband for last few months, ofcourse with my mil accompanying as well .
                          Now she wants to go back, and as usual, my great hubby wants us to go along with her.
                          I have had several fights with them both but they are not willing to understand my points and perspective. All that they do is to blame me that what problem I have living in Pak. Anyways. Things did get nasty between me and my husband, and all that he ended up doing is to give me first divorce - typical thing expected from him. Before it was blackmailing of separation but this time he went one step ahead, plus threatening me that he wouldnt give me the kids either.
                          Guys I need your prayers please, that Allah makes it easy for me and gives some sense to this man and my mil that they stop being so torturous.

                          Comment


                            #15
                            Before I give my input, I want to know where you're originally from. Where were you before marriage, Pakistan or some other country?



                            "Brevity is the soul of wit." Hamlet, William Shakespeare.

                            Comment

                            Working...
                            X