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    #16
    I don?t agree with lack of appreciation and gratitude and how it is mainly complains. I would like it to be like my fil is an amazing man devotes a lot of time doing free labor for us, however I have a small little problem
    I see a lot of ungrateful youngsters who are just takers and complainers
    like my nephews wife, received millions but still shows no gratitude and will find a reason to complain.
    Plus why is it so hard to just nicely talk to parents

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      #17
      Also you can?t ride two horses at the same time you want Western rights than do Western work ethics, girls here work, fix things, mow lawns, shovel walks etc and then they demand rights. If you are financially being supported than you need to be able to live with a few inconveniences

      Comment


        #18
        Originally posted by LP View Post

        If you were truly agreeing bobby, there wouldn't be a 'but' in the sentence.

        Her question was pretty simple : whether asking for boundaries is being ungrateful or not. You can look it up in religion, or look it up in modern psychology and the answer would be the same. Asking for reasonable boundaries is never wrong.
        Yes, one should be grateful if someone is doing us a favor but removing boundaries is not equivalent to being ungrateful.

        As for your last question, it is unrelated to the thread. If you are really looking for an answer to that, please go ahead and open another thread.
        I agree with you, LP, but Dhoni should have been dropped 2 years ago.
        Why isn't the Dividend story among the featured threads?

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          #19
          Woah Bobby, something must have hit a nerve? Whether the OP works fulltime or not is not going to decide whether she is allowed to mind the unannounced visits or not. It's called basic manners.
          Nowhere in western culture either is it normal for in laws to drop by unannounced on a regular basis even if it's to provide free services to the couple. They didn't force the father-in-law, if he wants to do something kind but it's becoming an issue for her and her relayionship with her husband he as the elder should have some shame man. Now the father-in-law needs to have aqal too that if his son said something about it multiple times then it must be important to not cross boundaries again, after all they do NOT live together in the same house. How difficult is it to call her before coming to her house???? But this is asian culture where there is no regard for such things as privacy and understanding from in-laws, instead we continue to blame the woman for complaining and being nashukri.
          Also even if you feel very strongly about such things because they might be normal in your family or because so and so happened in your (extended) family, nowhere does it say that someone must accept a certain situation because Bobby or his wife or his dog even did so too.

          I might argue that not following hadiths etc is what lead/s to destruction of the ummah. That's why we have such nonsense issues in daily life which we could avoid if people knew and practiced what the hadiths teach us, instead they choose to follow man-made cultural rules.

          The lack of (respect for) boundaries in any type of relationship will eventually lead to friction and worse, therefore we as humans maintain boundaries because we want our relationships to become and stay alive and healthy.
          Last edited by Mademoiselle; Aug 18, 2019, 01:55 AM.
          Pyaar waliyan nu nayio vekh sakda zamaana..

          Comment


            #20
            Originally posted by Mademoiselle View Post
            Woah Bobby, something must have hit a nerve? Whether the OP works fulltime or not is not going to decide whether she is allowed to mind the unannounced visits or not. It's called basic manners.
            Nowhere in western culture either is it normal for in laws to drop by unannounced on a regular basis even if it's to provide free services to the couple. They didn't force the father-in-law, if he wants to do something kind but it's becoming an issue for her and her relayionship with her husband he as the elder should have some shame man. Now the father-in-law needs to have aqal too that if his son said something about it multiple times then it must be important to not cross boundaries again, after all they do NOT live together in the same house. How difficult is it to call her before coming to her house???? But this is asian culture where there is no regard for such things as privacy and understanding from in-laws, instead we continue to blame the woman for complaining and being nashukri.
            Also even if you feel very strongly about such things because they might be normal in your family or because so and so happened in your (extended) family, nowhere does it say that someone must accept a certain situation because Bobby or his wife or his dog even did so too.

            I might argue that not following hadiths etc is what lead/s to destruction of the ummah. That's why we have such nonsense issues in daily life which we could avoid if people knew and practiced what the hadiths teach us, instead they choose to follow man-made cultural rules.

            The lack of (respect for) boundaries in any type of relationship will eventually lead to friction and worse, therefore we as humans maintain boundaries because we want our relationships to become and stay alive and healthy.
            I just have mixed feelings about trying to milk both cultures, the western manners and the eastern culture are different, in east people show up unannounced, generations live together, respect is awarded to elders, men work, women stay home. women give up their rights and privacy but benefit from being taken care of, so if you want to be taken care of, provided for etc than you need to pay your duties as an eastern women.

            In the west a man will live with a woman for several years, she has to pay her portion of rent and groceries, helps with all chores like mowing, shoveling etc and looks for privacy etc.

            Let us not even start with boundaries and manners, I go to the desi restaurants all the time, people eating with mouthfuls, making noise while eating, scratching, coughing without covering their mouths, not smelling very good etc so poooooleeeeeeeeseee let us leave these boundaries and respect thing for someone who does not know this stuff. People dont even exit mosques in an orderly fashion, they push, shove etc.







            Comment


              #21
              You see it as trying to milk both cultures, but another person who is stuck between more than 1 culture likes to embrace the "positive" aspects of both cultures and there is nothing wrong with that, instead of blindly following one culture just because everyone else does it. Again, western culture is more than just the wife working and sharing financial burden with her husband and asian culture is more than only doing khidmat and worshipping of husband and inlaws and sacrificing yourself as wife. You sound quite bitter.

              Lol since when did I say desis in general are role models when it comes to respecting boundaries and basic manners?? But again why the need to look at what the majority of other asians do? Asian people's upbringing in general sucks anyway. Besides, they don't know any better than to think that their culture is equal to islam which it is not.
              Pyaar waliyan nu nayio vekh sakda zamaana..

              Comment


              • Bobby1
                Bobby1 commented
                Editing a comment
                You cant take benefits without paying your dues. That is what I see many try to do here. When it comes to responsibilities, they are eastern and say my God said husband is to provide and when it comes to fulfilling a role of eastern woman they say, privacy, boundaries, rights, blah, blah, blah. Yes it is not about east or west, it is about trying to milk the benefits of both cultures without paying the dues. In the east the man is the owner of the house and not the couple, mostly because woman does not contribute, here couples own the house as most women work and contribute financially.

                Plus giving a key can be seen as consent to come and go as pleases, when we gave our maid the key, I made sure that I didn't come out of the bedroom in an underwear. To get a benefit, I had to put my pants on.

              #22
              Pleasantly surprised that personal insults and name calling have not as yet sneaked through into this thread and lets hope it remains as it is!



              I'm either at work, in gym, working in the garden, or in my beautiful wife's arms!

              Comment


                #23

                All this talk about Desis not having class. I know Desi uncle who thinks he is white and tried to scare people by posting pic of himself in a dark room dressed in only a towel covering his tond. He left behind even those that chew with their mouths full in this race.
                Bura Jo Dekhan Main Chala,Bura Naa Milya Ko'ee
                Jo Maan Khoja Apnaa,Tou Mujhse Bura Naa Ko'ee

                Comment


                  #24
                  Ok, so just to clarify, i do work as a doctor and im decent looking so i wouldn't say i bring nothing to the table or that im riding two horses at the same time. Not that i think that these things are a prerequisite for wanting a certain amount of privacy. I understand how having a key to the house can be interpreted as having permission to enter a house, however i too have a key to my in laws house but i always call or text beforehand to make sure it is a convenient time to visit. Anyways, so i guess my FIL sensed my discomfort, and he will be coming over when my husband is at home from now on. Which is not what i meant but ok. There is a certain awkwardness between us now which i'll try my best to take away.

                  Comment


                  • Bobby1
                    Bobby1 commented
                    Editing a comment
                    Older people seldom change their ways, people have to use tact to deal with them. In this dog eat dog world sometimes you cant find a single sincere loving person. May i ask being a doctor why do you live in a fixer upper and don't hire a professional to fix your place? I used to get really annoyed at my elders and now that they are deceased I remember them fondly and will kiss the ground my wife walks on forever because she has truly won my undying admiration.

                  • Rose887
                    Rose887 commented
                    Editing a comment
                    I live here because my husband had already bought it before we got married and i moved in with him. For the new place we are going to hire in professionals. My FIL is retired and always looking for new projects to keep himself busy. We never asked him to do anything around our house. I agree one has to deal with elders with tact, and i will definitely try to improve my relationship with my in laws further.

                  #25
                  Originally posted by Kinzz View Post
                  All this talk about Desis not having class. I know Desi uncle who thinks he is white and tried to scare people by posting pic of himself in a dark room dressed in only a towel covering his tond. He left behind even those that chew with their mouths full in this race.
                  There you go again!
                  I'm either at work, in gym, working in the garden, or in my beautiful wife's arms!

                  Comment


                    #26
                    Originally posted by navzzz View Post
                    Pleasantly surprised that personal insults and name calling have not as yet sneaked through into this thread and lets hope it remains as it is!


                    You jinxed it
                    Be someone that makes YOU happy

                    Comment


                    • Kinzz
                      Kinzz commented
                      Editing a comment
                      Things can go awry when you don't say Masha'Allah. Wesay doc is hardly the epitome of good manners himself so I just had to make sure that his relief be a short-lived one.

                    #27
                    Kinzz Just manners in east and west are different, we cant apply western rules on desi in laws.

                    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToLa6W9_dlg



                    I am actually very proud of how healthy and strong I am, hey if you can eat massive amounts of meat, hike 20km, have bp of 120/ 80 cholesterol 2.0 heart rate 60 then nothing to worry about. Also if you are desired than that is hat counts. Here is what a person a million times more relevant than you has to say about me. I actually teach class.

                    Comment


                    • Bobby1
                      Bobby1 commented
                      Editing a comment
                      You try to be relevant by being abusive as you have absolutely nothing to offer.

                    • Pakistani Prince
                      Pakistani Prince commented
                      Editing a comment
                      and you try to be relevant by mentioning your materlstic achievements time and again when you clearly know no one gives a **** about you and your achievements..

                    • Kinzz
                      Kinzz commented
                      Editing a comment
                      Exactly, Prince.

                      Even his tone with the OP was as if he is interrogating her. Chewing with mouth open and Desis doing this and that is not relevant to this thread but he is so aadat se majboor that he can’t resist polluting every thread in this way. If he believes westerners have superior manners, then I will have to say that he does not embody them either. Being a braggart and stereotyping is a social faux pas even in western culture.

                      Those folks who (ahem ahem) are blind to Baabby’s rudeness are, well, just like him. Mubarak.

                    #28
                    Kinzz I can be anything but I am not known to have poor manners, be insulting towards other members or downright abusive, unlike some other posters who go about stirring trouble as that was the sole purpose of their existence on these fora!
                    I'm either at work, in gym, working in the garden, or in my beautiful wife's arms!

                    Comment


                    • Kinzz
                      Kinzz commented
                      Editing a comment
                      I would beg to differ with the perception that you have of yourself. Just worry about your own purpose and if it has been lacking in any way in your time on this forum.

                    #29
                    Kinzz

                    You are entitled to your opinion, and unlike you I will not be asking you to worry about yourself, I don’t know you at all. And even if I did, I am not nearly as judgmental and condescending.
                    I'm either at work, in gym, working in the garden, or in my beautiful wife's arms!

                    Comment


                    #30
                    Moderator's Note:
                    Please be respectful to each other.

                    Comment

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