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To marry whom your parents, elders approve off but you're not interested in?

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    #16
    Your dilemma is a sadly a very common scenario in our society. It reminds me of a real life story that I could share here. When I was working in the UK, a 40-something unfit and unkempt man of Pakistani origin came to see me. He had no real illnesses apart from being generally angry, grumpy and depressed about how his life had unfolded. Apparently at the tender age of 19 he was 'forced' to get married to a cousin of similar age. He said he had to do it due to the immense pressure applied by his family, especially his mum who was 'very ill' and really really wanted to see him 'tie the sehra' over his head and get married before she departed from this mortal world!

    The rest of the conversation was mainly about how he and his wife were two totally different people who never enjoyed each others' company, who spent their whole lives fighting and quarrelling over petty matters, and who somehow managed to stick together for decades for the sake of their six children.

    As the consultation came to a close, and he was leaving, he asked me if I would like to become his mum's family doctor as well, as she was 'very ill' for a long long time and how none of the several hundreds of other doctors who had treated her over the years for her various ailments had not done anything for her!

    At that moment I badly wanted to quip away 'may be she wants to see her grandson tie the sehra over his head before she departed from this big bad world'! but then I didn't.

    Sigh.

    I'm either at work, in gym, working in the garden, or in my beautiful wife's arms!

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      #17
      Befriend her brother

      Her mother seems dominating

      can explain to her brother and from him get to know what she wants /if also being pressured into

      since they choose when your dad wasnt round and her behaviour as described gives me such thoughts

      Good luck

      Comment


        #18
        Remember when I suggested to you in my last post that you shpuld tell your dad that you would give this a chance and if you still don?t want to marry her, that you don?t want be guilted or presured by anyone....? Did you do that? Did you set that boundary or did you only tell them that you?d be ?extremely open-minded?? Even the words ?extremely open-minded? bother me because they care an undernote of pressure and imply that you must really really loosen up your critera and quash your doubts to stomach something.

        Now that your dad is back from his trip and if another meeting with the girl?s family is to take place, please set the ground rules/limits with your dad that I have mentioned above.

        And if you do end up meeting her again.....do things a bit differently on your part. Don?t be passive and wait for the girl to talk. Be proactive, please. You clearly are brave enough to initiate discussions on politics and other subjects with her brothers. The next time that such a discussion takes place, I want you to turn to her and ask....?What are your views on this?? Do not ask her questions that would only illicit a 1-word answer such as a ?yes or no.? Instead ask her questions which entail giving am opinion so and which would require her to say more than just 1 word. Does that make sense? Don?t just ask her one divergent question. Ask her a few divergent questions. This way......is she still responds with muteness to yoir questions.....your family will witness this as well.


        See, if you only ask her questions that require a 1-word answer such as.......?Where do you work?? (1-word: bank).......Do you like your job? (1-word: yes)......Do you like to travel? (1-word:yes)..........then your family will defend her by saying ?Of course she answered all your questions. She talks!? The issue here is that the girl is only responding and not conversing and if you want to point that out to your family then ask the girl a few divergent questions and let family see what happens.

        If you are given a chance to speak with her *alone* ask her divergent questions and if she still responds with silence then explain that to your dad.


        Maybe set a limit for how many meetings there should be. Like maybe 3 meetings tops? And if you still see no improvement, then tell your dad that you kept an opem mind and met her 3 times when in most rishta sitiations a conclusion is reached after only 1 meeting.....but you still gave it 3 tries and the girl is the same. Build your case in this way im the event that you have to meet her another few times and still see no change in her. If you won?t be meeting her again, then stick to your gut.

        Comment


          #19
          Originally posted by batameez View Post
          Befriend her brother

          Her mother seems dominating

          can explain to her brother and from him get to know what she wants /if also being pressured into

          since they choose when your dad wasnt round and her behaviour as described gives me such thoughts

          Good luck
          I am not so sure about this.

          What if the brothers are on mom?s team? What if the brothers will comply with whatever mom wants to do in order to see their sister securely married? In this case the brothers will not cooperate with OP and may not gave him straight answers and they could even try to manipulate the situation in their favor. Basically, there is a risk in this situation.

          I think it is less risky if OP observes this girl?s behavior in a more authentic way.


          Also, it?s a good thing that OP?s dad has caught on to the strangeness of the girl?s family insisting on a daawat without the dad?s presence and that they never allowed their daughter alone-time with OP. Seems like OP?s dad is still a bit more objective than the 3 women (his mom, sister, and grandma).....and so OP can maybe use dad for support if there is no change or improvement in the next few meetings with the girl.

          I wonder if the girl?s mother sensed that OP?s dad would be a more keen observer.......and so maybe thought that if she could win over the 3 women in the OP?s family.........that these 3 women would then get the dad on board. Women tend to be more emotional so maybe girl?s mom was trying to secure rishta through them first (just a guess).

          Last edited by redvelvet; Jul 29, 2019, 07:00 AM.

          Comment


            #20
            Originally posted by redvelvet View Post
            Remember when I suggested to you in my last post that you shpuld tell your dad that you would give this a chance and if you still don?t want to marry her, that you don?t want be guilted or presured by anyone....? Did you do that? Did you set that boundary or did you only tell them that you?d be ?extremely open-minded?? Even the words ?extremely open-minded? bother me because they care an undernote of pressure and imply that you must really really loosen up your critera and quash your doubts to stomach something.

            Now that your dad is back from his trip and if another meeting with the girl?s family is to take place, please set the ground rules/limits with your dad that I have mentioned above.

            And if you do end up meeting her again.....do things a bit differently on your part. Don?t be passive and wait for the girl to talk. Be proactive, please. You clearly are brave enough to initiate discussions on politics and other subjects with her brothers. The next time that such a discussion takes place, I want you to turn to her and ask....?What are your views on this?? Do not ask her questions that would only illicit a 1-word answer such as a ?yes or no.? Instead ask her questions which entail giving am opinion so and which would require her to say more than just 1 word. Does that make sense? Don?t just ask her one divergent question. Ask her a few divergent questions. This way......is she still responds with muteness to yoir questions.....your family will witness this as well.


            See, if you only ask her questions that require a 1-word answer such as.......?Where do you work?? (1-word: bank).......Do you like your job? (1-word: yes)......Do you like to travel? (1-word:yes)..........then your family will defend her by saying ?Of course she answered all your questions. She talks!? The issue here is that the girl is only responding and not conversing and if you want to point that out to your family then ask the girl a few divergent questions and let family see what happens.

            If you are given a chance to speak with her *alone* ask her divergent questions and if she still responds with silence then explain that to your dad.


            Maybe set a limit for how many meetings there should be. Like maybe 3 meetings tops? And if you still see no improvement, then tell your dad that you kept an opem mind and met her 3 times when in most rishta sitiations a conclusion is reached after only 1 meeting.....but you still gave it 3 tries and the girl is the same. Build your case in this way im the event that you have to meet her another few times and still see no change in her. If you won?t be meeting her again, then stick to your gut.
            I am not so sure redvelvet. I have observed this girl for 6 long years and yesterday was the same thing as I had been observing all these years. She is clearly very very shy and uncomfortable with people, in the first meeting you can obviously expect some nerves from people but eventually you expect people to showcase their natural personalities. All the other girls I have seen even if they are not spectacular looking in some way or the other open up and talk and exhibit friendliness. This girl gives me the body language of being scared and someone who does not like to talk and at best only gives one word answers

            I once got involved with someone like this long distance and trust me after a while it gets very frustrating, taxing and draining to be the person doing all the talking, thinking, taking initiative but the other person just doesn't show the same initiative

            I can try to meet her again but in all likelihood I don't think I am going to change my opinion on her

            Comment


              #21
              if that is the case, then make sure you are vocal about it with you family and let them know you aren't interested and that's the end of it. Please, do not accept her just or the sake of your family if you really don't want it.

              Comment


                #22
                OP, if you've made your decision then you will just have to stick to it and ride out your family's disapproval. At some point they will stop complaining and will move on (I hope).

                Comment


                  #23
                  Mom has finally conceded that even she feels that the girls silent, aloof, timid and scared nature is a put off and is a huge sign of concern. In fact she went on to add that she feels even more comfortable that the mother is the most talkative among them but the husband, kids are all very quite and given her experience as a medical doctor, this is actually a sign of depression. Overall she felt that there is a lot more that meets the eye and there is a reason why they have persisted for 6 long years with us.

                  So the good news is now my parents are finally conceeding to my objections. With my mothers concerns and second thoughts, my dad will naturally fall in line.

                  The bigger problem will by my grandmother. She is going to through a huge fit and resort to massive emotional blackmailing behind the scenes given that her wishes were not respected and inspite of me being her favorite grandson, i am going to have to brace myself for some really nasty insults and criticism from her now in that once again i have the delusions of acquiring a supermodel and have rejected a shareef, gharelu, quite, pyaari housewife.

                  Comment


                  • redvelvet
                    redvelvet commented
                    Editing a comment
                    Well, with your mom (and hopefully sister, too) and eventually dad on your side, your grandmother will be outnumbered. As unpleasant as her ranting and railing will be for you, you'll just have to weather her storm. If you are indeed her favorite grandson, she won't hold a grudge forever. I hope the girl finds a more compatible match and also that she resolves whatever issues she has before doing so, inshaAllah. So, that's an obstacle that's been removed from your path (for the most part). You can breathe a bit easier now.

                  #24
                  Originally posted by UFC2015 View Post
                  Mom has finally conceded that even she feels that the girls silent, aloof, timid and scared nature is a put off and is a huge sign of concern. In fact she went on to add that she feels even more comfortable that the mother is the most talkative among them but the husband, kids are all very quite and given her experience as a medical doctor, this is actually a sign of depression. Overall she felt that there is a lot more that meets the eye and there is a reason why they have persisted for 6 long years with us.

                  So the good news is now my parents are finally conceeding to my objections. With my mothers concerns and second thoughts, my dad will naturally fall in line.

                  The bigger problem will by my grandmother. She is going to through a huge fit and resort to massive emotional blackmailing behind the scenes given that her wishes were not respected and inspite of me being her favorite grandson, i am going to have to brace myself for some really nasty insults and criticism from her now in that once again i have the delusions of acquiring a supermodel and have rejected a shareef, gharelu, quite, pyaari housewife.
                  Doesn't seem like depression, she's probably autistic like you.

                  Comment


                    #25
                    some old people can be really unpleasant and manipulative, a much older friend (ex- consultant psychiatrist of the Elderly) once told me we often presume as we age, we gradually become more wiser, wholesome, understanding, affectionate and benign, but often things go totally in different direction.
                    I'm either at work, in gym, working in the garden, or in my beautiful wife's arms!

                    Comment

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