HE is an excellent parent but SHE is not!

[Afia]

He works n is a really busy man but still the time he spends with his kids is just fun ....playing games , encouraging on every single achievement , enjoying , appreciating and what not !

on the other hand is SHE !
no doubt she loves them equally , (or may be even more than the hubby) but still is not good at showing it
she can't cope with messy play as she is a cleaning freak ....
she cooks what the kids want her to ...but don't spend enough time with them
she enjoys observing them but doesn't become a part of their play
she wants to discipline them but is way too strict than required
but still there is one thing

she wants to be a nice mother .....doesn't know how ???

[PakistaniAbroad]

sounds like she already knows what she needs to do.. just have her read your post. she will understand..

[zulaykha]

Get her a good book. She reads, yes?

[PurelyAvgGirl]

Buy mom some blocks.

Teach her how to play.

Take her to the beach to make sandcastles.

For some its hard to relate. Some need to be taught how.

Give her a hug once in a while and encourage her.

Introduce her to people that she might make friends with.

Insist she take parenting classes.

[Shirin]

There may be a million reasons why this women is behaving the way she is. I'm curious to know what her children are like.

Why do we presume that mothers MUST be maternal but that it's acceptable for fathers not to be paternal?

I suppose part of the answer is that women are helped in their mothering/ bonding /attachment behaviours by their hormones so most women DO show these instinctive behaviours. And perhaps in "natural" situations most women do this effortlessly, without even knowing what they are doing.

But today's world makes it very difficult at times to go along and take full advantage of naure's plan for mothers and children, An example: The research of Klaus and Kennel into bonding shows that it is much more difficult to establish (and consequently maintain) a close bond with your child if you have had a highly medicalised birth and /or been separated from your child in the first hours after the birth. Animals reject their young if this happens.

Breastfeeding is another natural process that is often hijacked by modern medical procedures. There is a very interesting study done in a Russian hospital where the rate of child rejection/abandonment decreased dramatically when mothers were encouraged to breastfeed immediately after birth.

Another consideration: this women may be coming from a family where mother child interaction is minimal and she hasn't known alternatives to model her mothering .

I do not believe that any woman would deliberately and knowingly deprive her child of attention. She may need support and loving help to work through her personal issues. She may be a better mother in other ways or when others are not present. She may be burned out and need some time for herself. So many possibilities! Mothering is not always easy.

[Mamaof3]

In most (some?) families, its the mom who does most of the caretaking and its the dad who is the one for fun stuff. That's probably part of the issue there. Mom keeps the kids clean, fed and dressed. Keeps the house in order, does the cooking, cleaning laundry, marketing etc etc. And while whe cooks dinner or whatever, Dad plays with the kids. So the moms focus is sometimes not on fun but rather on getting neccesary "stuff" done. A suggestion is that when I do my necessary stuff, I try to involve my boys and make it fun, like getting laundry into the washer - the machine becomes a basketball hoop and they toss in clothes to "score". We play a guessing game to empty the dishwasher "Can you find the PLATE for Mama?" And when I cook, they get their own pots and pans on the floor with spoons to mix and cook too. If she tried that, she can have some fun with her little ones while her stuff gets done. My boys still identify with their Dad as more fun than I am but its me they come to for comfort and for things they need. Nothing wrong with that...

[Afia]

thanx all for your input

PA...some ppl may know what they need to do but still want to know HOW??

zulaykha.....would you recommend a book...??

PAG.....hmmm....! ....parenting classes ! not sure about these

Shirin
that mum is me ...!
dunno why but 'fun stuff' irritates me ....i mean its ok to play ....i know kids have right to play ....but its the messy play i can't cope with

i wasn't this crazy few moinths back ...but believe me its getting really bad ....
you wanna know about kids ....i have 3 .....two boys aged 5 n 3 ...n then this 2 months old daughter
mashaAllah ...they r quite well behaved ....n they don't complain about anything ....but whenever i evaluate my own behaviour it makes me cry .....i'm not a good mom at all ......!

what i do for them ...anyone can do ....!
my ammi used to play with us ....every outing i can remember , my mother planned for us .....we enjoyed our childhood as much as one can ...but i'm not contributing that much .....
i don't take them outside ....(weather is a good excuse )
i can't read them a bed time story ....(well i'm tired or my baby is crying or anyother blah blah)
we used to explore so many things on computer , together ...but not anymore....as theres no time left for cooking n cleaning etc.

well, there is a loooong list
*sigh*

[Shahreen]

Nice to see you back Afia.

I don't mean to turn this into a pissing competition but every parents at some point or other feels that they are a bad parent. It just depends on what your definition of being a 'bad' parent is.

In my view, just because you like things nice and tidy doesn't mean you are less of a good mother. Quite the opposite in fact. It can just get a little overwhelming when you sit back and think about how much is required from you as a person to bring up your children, heck its damn right scary at times knowing that you are fully responsible for another human being.

Trouble is, people have a tendency to compare themselves with other people. Especially mothers. So and so manages to raise her kids, has an immaculate home and bakes......and it makes you feel that you should be too. Who's to say that those kids are any more or less happier than your own?

Okay I'm rambling now.

[sadzzz]

^ agree with shareen.. just cus ur not playing with ur kids and being as liberal minded as ur hubby, doesnt make u the bad parent. I grew up with the same environment (mum being a clean freak and dad was the one who hung out), but when you grow up, u start appreciating ur mum for what she did and how she is... dont stress... dont be so hard on urself

[Shirin]

Afia, you sound like you are just overwhelmed with things to do. In other words, "mothering burnout"
Once upon a time we women had help, lots of it, in every sense. Now we find ourselves left on our own most of the time to cope with simply everything. We are expected to cook, clean, look after the kids so that they behave well, pay the bills and do the shopping, look after others, be cheerful and look nice and if that isn't enough, maybe even hold down a job. Where do we have time for ourselves if we haven't the time to sleep?

One thing that may be important is to draw up a list of priorites. What is is that is indispensable in your life and that you HAVE to do to get through the day? What is it that can be forgotten for the time being? And what can be simplified, if only to give you ten minutes to read a bit?

I found when I had small kids that it was great to get someone to come and clean my house once a week. that was atreat I could give myself. That I didn't need to cook elaborate meals. That most things didn't need to be ironed. That I could forget about cleaning windows. That if I didn't take care of myself then no one was going to do it. And when I started doing all this I could find time to do things with my kids. Not the kind of things my husband did - I have three boys and everything they do together is a variation on one theme (football!) - but time to read them a book or play a quiet game (this became scrabble as the kids got older). Maybe if you think about this you will be able to decide your priorities and make your choices too. Good luck!

[Shirin]

Kathleen KendallTackett has written some intersting articles on this theme.

Here is something you might find useful:
http://www.lalecheleague.org/NB/NBMayJun01p84.html

She has written a lot on postpartum depression and has also written a book - can't remember what it's called - on mothering burnout.

[PurelyAvgGirl]

I would agree post-partum depression.

It's hormones. It's emotions. It's ????

So you just had a baby...automatically you are supposed to transform into this loving mother?

Here is this strange baby born 24 hours ago.

Mom is supposed to feel happy and fullfilled.

Even though she might feel otherwise? Hormones racing through the body.

Only thing I can say is the truth as it was for me.

Taking care of a baby is drudgery. It's hard and often not alot of fun. It's a commitment some are not ready to make but must make.

It's not all smiles, balloons and chocolate.

It's hard work.

It's adjusting to becoming an inspiration to this little tiny crabby crying and at times smelly baby.

In my thinking...if dad was home 24-7 for the first few weeks..he might also show signs of post-partum depression.

I had that depression. I thought there was something wrong with me. Something absolutely wrong with me, sinse my mom told me that she was absolutely happy and satisfied after giving birth.

Well than I knew there was something dredfully wrong with me after my mom told me that...

so I talked to her.

Mom??? what is so fun about screaming babies and dirty diapers? I'm not getting into it at all...when is it that I'm supposed to feel happy being awakend in the middle of the night, every night..... Baby crying all the time? Changing diapers? Being responsible for this tiny life?

HUH?

Then she actually talked to me.... and told me of the work and d drudgery that being a parent is. Not easy at all.

But... IMHO ..... Anything worthwhile is never easy.

And there is no such thing as a more perfect mother <than you> for your own kids.

[saimanyc]

Re: HE is an excellent parent but SHE is not!

That sounds like my parents. My dad worked alot but any spare time he had, he'd kick a soccer ball around with us or take us on a day trip. I think that mom should take some consious steps to relax a bit. And say it's ok if there are messes. Make games out of things. Like do finger painting with the kids. Then involve them in the clean up. Sing songs with them and talk with them, not TO them to try and connect.

[AnGeL EyEs]

Re: HE is an excellent parent but SHE is not!

Mothers are the primary care takers. It's difficult to squeeze in play time b/w feedings, naps, cooking and cleaning, disciplining etc. by the end of the day mom's are exhausted. That doesnt make you a bad mom. In fact it's good that your husband is the opposite because as parents you 2 compliment each other....which is perfect in terms of raising children. You dont want both parents to be too relaxed and certainly you both parents shouldnt be the disciplinarians either.

it is a good idea however to take some time out for the kids....perhaps not every day...but at least a few days a week. Reserve one day where they can do whatever it is that they want to do..within reason of course.