He makes so mad

[ebrima_jallow]

A couple of nights ago my husband calls me up from work and hes listening to a local asian radio station where therer is a phone in going on about whether men are too lazy to help around the house and whether they shoulds do more. so he calls me cos theres a woman whos called the radio station and is expressing her view and he wants me to listen to her over the phone. This is what shes saying. "I hate the women who tell their husbands to do the housework. I have a relly big family and I handle everything myself. What is the use of getting married if the men are gonna do the work themselves. The woman should have the food ready when the husband gets home blahdy blahdy blah"
So hes trying to get his point across that women are for doing housework not men. I said to him "I bet that she is the only person who has called up with those views in the whole program. Now just make sure you listen to all the other callers as well."
So I switch the radio on and every call that came after that were men saying that yes men should help more. Un ki shaan mein koi kami nahin aye gi agar wo thori si help kar dein to. they should show that they appreciate what the wife does all day as well. But does he listen to any of that? Of course not. Hes just concentrating on that one fone call from that woman expressing her dinosaur views!!
So when hes home the next day he starts going on about this woman again and he knows perfectly well that I dont agree with him but he keeps gong on about it. I said to him "didnt you listen to any of the other fone calls? why dont you learn something from them. I'm not asking you to do the housework for me I just cant understand why you have these views"
He starts saying "Oh so you want me to start washing the dishes do you. Then whats thepoint of getting married if I'm gonna be doing housework myself??"
Did I ask him to do it? No.
He doesnt listen to what i'm saying He jus gets his own meaning from his head. He twists things and says them in such a way that I have no answer for him.Even if the whole world came and said that they agree with me he still wont believe that i'm right. i told him hes stuck in the dark ages! I keep telling him not to discuss the topic cos it will only start an argument between us, just agree to disagree and end it there. But no he goes on and on about it and he really upset me at one point.
I cant believe his typically desi views on everything, he makes me so angry.
He wakes up late cos he works late evenings so he gets up this afternoon and goes down while im in the other room. i go down after him and am surprised to see he is making breakfast for himself. I ask whats going on and hes in a right mood and says from now on I do my own stuff myself. I say "Yeah right !. How many times have I heard that before?!” I cant understand him. He can get so angry over nothing. Hes definitely got a temper problem. He can be such an ****hole some times!!!
Sorry if this post is too long. I just needed to get my feelings out.

[KAKA-ATOM-BUM]

you got a bailan at home?

[~MuNiYa~]

bailan?

honey some things you will never agree on... so why bother.
BUT if there is anything that you do that is typically a male's job )ie working or throwing out the garbage cleaning bathrooms or doing the bills) STOP right now.

PLay the lady in distress for a while. It'll get on his damned nerves when he has to do all this himself.

Always remember.. never loose your cool...

[Mr Fraudia]

let me make this very simple and fair

does he work and you dont? if the answer is yes then I agree you have a bigger share of responsibility in house work.

now his statements like "whats the use of getting mrried if I have to do the dishes" is a bvery wrong approach from him.

Lets take an example.

if he gets up at 7 and leaves by 7:30 to get to is work by 8-8:30 works there until 5:30-6 and then gets home between 6-6:30, the dude has been up and about for almost 12 hours.

what do you expect him to do now? mop the whole house, do all the dishes? cook? what were you doing all day? If you have been at home all day, would i tnot make sense that part of your day is spent cooking food for the family?

Its true that a husband and wife should share houshold responsibilities, but each of them should have an equitable share in that. He should share equally in all household responsibilities, and bringing a paycheck is a household responsibility.

I know many working couples, myself and begum included. we share responsibilities..dishes, laundry, vaccum, cooking etc etc. There are somethings we share, like laundry or dishes, and some that we split e.g. she cooks, because I am not s good of a cook as her, but then I do all the yardwork, shovel the snow, fix stuff around the house etc.

sometimes when i am off and she is not, or I am working from home, I will do some extra stuff because I save the commute time which I can use in doing a few extra things, same for her.

I think both of you are wrong, him for thinking that you are a maid, and you for thinking that if you re doing household chores, you are a maid.

[waqas72]

hearing only what they wanna hear and then twisting everything around to suit their own needs... ?

Seems like a common desi thing. I know no matter how clearly I explain myself in great detail about exactly what I mean and am trying to say people still only pick up on those words they want to hear and almost always distort my intentioins and meaning as a result !?

Just look at most of the responses to my posts on gushup! lol


Is there a cure to the problem!? I doubt it.

Back to the more specific problem with your husband ...yeah my dad does exactly the same thing with mom all the time.

Yeah and such people don't realise how cruel they are being when they behave with you like that. It IS a big deal and you have a right to be mad! It means they are not taking you seriously and ignoring your feelings.

As you said trying to reason with him is a just a waste of time. I would just stop doing everything you do for him for a while.. even keep conversation down to a minium and only to what's necessary.

Cause if you continue with him like normal he'll think what he's doing is acceptable which it is not. Don't resort to arguing back or even showing your anger in return remain polite and civil. He'll only think ha! see now look at you being childish if you get mad too!

Anyhows eventually he's gonna get really ticked off at you for doing nothing for him anymore etc.. That's when you finally say to him

Look I do everything I do because I love you not because I have to! Maybe if you loved me the same you would show me a little respect and not mock my concerns
which seem to be nothing but a big joke to you anyhow!

yeah but you gotta be really angry when you say this and afterwards be cold to him for quite a long time regardless of how much he apologises to you! cause as I'm sure you know he'll just go back to the same again once he thinks you're happy again.

People do not change.

[Femme Fatale]

Ebrima one complex life you have there! First your husband cheated on you and was apprently trying to make up for everything he screwed up. Then you have clashing choices as far as having a second baby goes. Now your husband is back to being a part-time jerk. EJ sorry to say so but your husband sounds like a genuine screwed up pampered desi. He needs a kick up his rear end to bring his brain back up in his skull.

Apparently talking to him is doing no good cos his mind is just messed up. What did he want from marraige? A full time maid/nanny for himself and the kids? Have you thought about getting yourself a job? That will give you time out of the house, your own space, your own life for a few hours of the day atleast. If he is doing stuff for himself good for him! Let him carry on with his act. Doubt he will carry on with it for too long though. If you are stuck with him just ignore what he says if you feel it will turn into a useless argument and make both of you bitter.

Seperation and stuff is easier said than done. If you are at a point where you can no longer put up with him take a vacation, go to Pakistan to visit family for some time. He might realise your worth and be grateful for everything you do for him. If not atleast u get a month or two away from his crap. If you have absolutely no way out then your only choice is to completely ignore what ever he says, just agree verbally to whatever he says but only do what you wish and feel is right. It boils down to putting up with him just for the sake of it. Ofcourse no one deserves such a life. He doesn't seem to be a very reasonable person, so you won't be able to reason with him, ever.

Fraudiya I would just like to point out that EJ has no problem taking care of the house chores. She just wouldn't mind a helping hand or two once in a while which is okay. It's his approach that she has a problem with. From the looks of it he wants to rub it in her face all the time that it is her 'job' to do all the house work. He still gets a break from work when he gets back home. When does she get a break? He expects recognition and to be served because he earns te living, what about what she does from morn to night? Can he not atleast appreciate what she does instead of treating her like a servant and maing her realise that she is 'supposed' to do all that and it's not big deal.

[~MuNiYa~]

Originally posted by Femme Fatale:
Ebrima one complex life you have there! First your husband cheated on you and was apprently trying to make up for everything he screwed up. Then you have clashing choices as far as having a second baby goes. Now your husband is back to being a part-time jerk. EJ sorry to say so but your husband sounds like a genuine screwed up pampered desi. He needs a kick up his rear end to bring his brain back up in his skull.

hain?????
dump the jerk... nothing'll come out of sacrificing for him.

[Femme Fatale]

True Muniya, but she doesn;t seem like the sort of person who would take such a huge step. She has been putting up with his BS for a long tiem now. It would be in her best favour to get a job and once she is financially independent dump his lousy ass. After all they have been through, and if things have happened exactly how she tells us, I don't see anything worth staying for.

Another thing EJ, you had mentioned how you did not want another baby because you were financially struggling, why don't you get yourself a job? Maybe that is why he is so frustrated. Keeping everything in view it looks like he is complexed cos he can't take care of his end of the job with low income and all so he vents on you trying to make you feel less and himself better. If you got a job and there was more money in the house maybe that would help you sort out your differences. And when both of you get back from work you've done the same amount of work outside so maybe he will share some responsibility at home too.

[~MuNiYa~]

FF not that Im trying to create more of a problem.. but get another job?
Why should she work herself to the bone? To keep him happy? In the end she will be at tired old women, cranky and all and he will be the same person.

The issue isnt as far as him not helping her.

ebrima_jallow if your not leaving him for the children... your not doing anything smart. Your hurting your children. Do you know what its like to grow up in a household where mom and dad are constantly fighting? Or dad cheats on mom.. you think they dont know but they do.
When the children get older and have an opinion of thier own, your jerk will have a problem with them too.

Do yourself a favor, your children a favor and seriously reconsider this marriage. You will never be worht anything to anyone else unless you are worth something to yourself.

I know we dont know each other.. but if there is anything I can do feel free to demand it.

[Femme Fatale]

Not get another but get a job. They only have one child right now. If they can make arrangements for the child there isn't much harm in working for sometimes , even part time, till the financial conditions are a bit better. But again he isn't really worth the effort. He has been unreasonable before and will remain to be that way unless a miracle happens. Before considering divorce/seperation she has to be sure that she can make it on her own. If she canot get a job, has a kid too she won't she have problems getting custody of the child? I'm not sure about that. But she better have a very good plan in hand before going on with a divorce.

[Mr Fraudia]

Originally posted by Femme Fatale:
Fraudiya I would just like to point out that EJ has no problem taking care of the house chores. She just wouldn't mind a helping hand or two once in a while which is okay.

sorry I missed that as it was not evdent from the post

It's his approach that she has a problem with. From the looks of it he wants to rub it in her face all the time that it is her 'job' to do all the house work.

yeah i noted that his approach towards this situation is very wrong.

He still gets a break from work when he gets back home. When does she get a break?

dunno about their specific situation I was looking at things in a broader context and for that reason have started a separate thread looking at this chore sharing point seperately.

He expects recognition and to be served because he earns te living, what about what she does from morn to night? Can he not atleast appreciate what she does instead of treating her like a servant and maing her realise that she is 'supposed' to do all that and it's not big deal.

Oh his whole approach and demeanor is wrong...there is no argument with that, but that does not change the sharing of responsibility of both people. if he is the only one working than she should be handling a higher amount of household chores.

Now if we were to take his approach out of the equation, then what do u think about it. look at my other thread which i started purposely to not divert the dicussion here.

[Femme Fatale]

Fraudz she isn't asking him to do anything. She seems fine with doing everything on her own. I think he keeps bringing it up due to his guilty conscience.

I already replied to your thread.

[Mr Fraudia]

Femme

After reading this, it appears that they have major issues and he is using whatever thing he can to use it as a point against her. It always gets ugly with couples who are at war..I have seen people leverage the smallest of things into an issue just to score a point against the other person. Def not a healthy situation.

[Femme Fatale]

Very true Fraudz! I didn;t quite think of that. It could very well be his way of scoring points by making her feel that she is not a good wife as he has not been a good husband!

[ebrima_jallow]

Originally posted by Femme Fatale:

Another thing EJ, you had mentioned how you did not want another baby because you were financially struggling, why don't you get yourself a job? Maybe that is why he is so frustrated. Keeping everything in view it looks like he is complexed cos he can't take care of his end of the job with low income and all so he vents on you trying to make you feel less and himself better. If you got a job and there was more money in the house maybe that would help you sort out your differences. And when both of you get back from work you've done the same amount of work outside so maybe he will share some responsibility at home too.

Hes never wanted me to work and the times I have been working he gets angry about the clothes I wear to work. It is so difficult to persuade him to let me work and now finally hes agreed and im looking for a job but I know im still gonna have to put up with allot of BS from him when I do cos the same arguments will start again...he doesnt want me to wear western clothes ....he doesnt want anyone to see me etc.
It doesnt matter to him that I hate the job hes doing(he gone back to the same job as he had had when he was seeing someone else which gives him plenty of freedom and flexibility)
And he still points out that I will still have to do all the housework as before. his argument is that He never asked me to go to work in the first place, I'm doing it cos I want to. Yes i do want to get out and have a bit of a life if only at work but I also know our financial situation and I'm prepared to help bring the money.

btw Thanks FF for fighting my corner