Marriage and Independance

[~MuNiYa~]

Recently there have been allot of ristha threads. These young intelligent and seemingly independant women are all refusing risthas with the Idont wanna get married routine.

Why? Have you gals even looked at the potential fella?
I guess what I am trying to understand is how do you feel that getting married will take away from your life? You'll still be independant probably even more so then now..

Under your parents.. your exactly that UNDER them.. with hubby your his partner and he is yours. He'll support you and you him.

Ladies.. I love you all like sisters. So please dont take this as a bashing thread.. I'm trying to understand your side of things.
And maybe lend you some of my expierence...

[funguy]

I agree Muniya. A woman does become more independent after marriage but it's not the same for men. I think men are more independent before marriage - either under the parents or living separately. I don't think girls are scared of losing independence by getting married. It's just that they haven't found the right one yet.

[~MuNiYa~]

Expand on how men become more dependant?
I think I've seen Salman go from a shy boy to a strong man who handles sh!t for a lack of a better word.

As for finding the right one... give the guy a chance.

Talk to the person and trust your parent's instinct... they didnt get thier grey hair in the sun. I dont agree with panicing just because Ammi or Abu bring up a rishta. Soch tho lo pehlay.

[funguy]

Losing one's independence doesn't mean one becomes dependent. I guess I am talking about freedom and not independence.

[CareBear]

I've always had the notion that you're a lot more independent when you're living with your parents. I don't think you can gain (or even maintain) that independence after you get married, especially in our desi society. Maybe I'm wrong?

[~MuNiYa~]

I dont know if your wrong CareBear.. thas what my ammi said about her marriage..

but my expierence was totally different.

[funguy]

Muniya, yours is a special scenario. You are not living with the in-laws. Many girls are scared to death of their MIL's.

[Sehar]

Muniya Baaj

If you don't mind me asking, could you please tell us how you came to marry that 6'2" Salman of yours? I mean how did the rishta thing happen etc.

[KAKA-ATOM-BUM]

I think its not much about independance. A lot of girls are so attached to the parents that the last thing they want to do is to leave them and join another family, or a partner. The freedom bit is different. It totally depends on who the people are. For some it might be more freedom and independance, for others, like carebear said, it could be less freedom and independance.

[~MuNiYa~]

Fungu.. thas absolutely true. I havent lived with them. Only for a few months when I went to Pakistan. But to be honest with you.. I would totally love living there.

Sehar hon, thats a novel and a half. To sum things up .. it was a little bollywoodish.. Salman and I met about the same time the ristha came our house, but he and I met on our own.

[Moodie Foodie]

well.. i think i had more freedom n i was more imdepepndent before my shaadi..
well i live with my inlaws n i really have to be careful.. about my words n actions ... n so far i have no clue how it feels to be married n livin wit ur husband n runnin ur hhouse ur own way.. i really dont.. n i seriously think i took the freedom at my own house for granted..
With my in-laws they dont tell us to not do anything but we dont do it out of obligation n respect.. n after almost 1.9 yrs of marriage.. it really seems kinda hard to do it for the rest of my life..
i can totally see where thses girls r comin from.. i think they should take their time.. theyre nothing wrong with SHARING ur life with someone.. Signing away is a whole diff issue

[Femme Fatale]

I agree Devilicious. You may have more freedom living seperately with a san husband but in the joint family system you really have to watch what you do. It's worse than being with your own parents (freedom wise)

[~MuNiYa~]

so the problems come with living with family?
I can see that happening..

[Mr Fraudia]

I think people mix up independence with responsibilities.
you may or may not be more indpendent after marriage..depending on how strict your parents were or if you were living independently.

There are many desi girls who have limited independence living at home, but then they have minimal responsibilities as well.

The responsibilities do increase, unless your folks had you running the whole house in which case they may decrease or if yer hubby got you a maid and a chef, in which case they will decrease.

independence is not the same as responsibilities, the concepts are closely tied, but are not interchangeable.

[amelie]

i think your relationship with your husband is very very different than the one with your parents and highly dependend on where you live and the type of man you marry.

Yes, you do lose independence when you marry...that is you can't just go travel anywhere you want to visit gal friends when you want, go out to eat anytime, spend yoru money on whatever you want, etc... You can do the above but you have to run it by your spouse and if he's a good guy, he'll have no problem with you having your independence and seeing your friend BUT like i said..you are not single but rather involved with someone who you are responsible for and can't exactly do whatever you want but should think about what's best for you both...thus marriage changes your focus. Further, career/education choices are now limited by what you and your spouse want for your lives and futures..not purely a function of what you yourself want.

I also think if you get married to obtain freedom/independence then you'll be very dissapointed...