Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Affairs

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Affairs

    The First Affair:

    Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

    "Becky my darling," he whispered.

    "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

    He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

    "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep"

    "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

    "Yes, I know, my darling" whispered Becky. "Close your eyes, and let the poison work."



    %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    The Second Affair:

    There was a middle aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.

    "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

    The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"


    %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    The Third Affair:

    A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

    "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

    With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's unit. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.

    "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

    "Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"


    %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    The Fourth Affair:

    A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

    "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

    Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.

    "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

    "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

    "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

    No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

    "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."


    %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%


    The Fifth Affair:

    A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

    "One Cent?!!" exclaimed the man.

    So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

    "Certainly, Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."

    "How much money?" inquires the man.

    "Four cents," the bartender replied.

    "Four Cents?!!" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

    The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

    The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

    The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."



    %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    The Sixth Affair:


    A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

    "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

    "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

    The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying *******! You've been playing golf!"

    %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    Seventh affair:

    Adam stayed out late one
    night and when he got home, Eve jumped
    his case and screamed, You've been seeing
    another woman, I just know you have been
    seeing another woman!

    Adam tried to console her, saying, 'Eve
    honey you know there is no other woman,
    you are the only woman on earth!"

    Three AM he was awaken by Eve poking
    him in"

    "Counting your ribs, she replied!"

    %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    Eighth affair:

    A woman went storming in to a neighbor's house in a huff,
    demanded to know why she was going around the
    neighborhood telling everyone her husbands penis had
    a wart on it.

    The neighbor totally denied having made such a statement.

    The wife said she knew she did say that because the
    reverends wife had told her and she would not lie.

    The neighbor woman said, 'I did not say his penis had a
    wart on it, I said it felt like it had a wart on it!"

    #2
    Re: Affairs

    Adam and Eve.....

    The first one.... he deserves the poison
    The grass ain't always greener on the other side, it's green where you water it.

    Comment


      #3
      Re: Affairs

      really funny thanks for sharing
      I've kissed millions of frogs, but still no prince charming...
      Åchi ßachi Çlub

      Comment


        #4
        Re: Affairs

        hahahahahahahah

        thankyou dude
        been a long time since I read something this funny
        If every country in the world is in debt
        Where the hell did all the money go !!

        Comment


          #5
          Re: Affairs

          Adam And Eve One Is So Funny!!!!!
          If u have nothing to do..........
          ...........then don't do it here!!

          -unknown

          Comment


            #6
            Re: Affairs

            The Third Affair is ewwwww...

            Seventh affair is what I cant understand...... means what?? counting ribs so what??
            Wonder this time where she's gone,wonder if she's gone to stay
            Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,and this house just ain't no home
            anytime she goes away.

            Comment


              #7
              Re: Affairs

              TNWB - story of Adam and Eve and how she was created...

              I loved them all, lol
              "Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." - John F. Kennedy

              "Someday we gonna rise up on that wind you know
              Someday we gonna dance with those lions
              Someday we gonna break free from these chains and keep on flyin'" - flipsyde

              Comment


                #8
                Re: Affairs

                ohhhh............... ***LOL***

                Affair in the times of Adam and Eve, LOL

                thanks minah
                Wonder this time where she's gone,wonder if she's gone to stay
                Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,and this house just ain't no home
                anytime she goes away.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: Affairs

                  Second affair reminds me of a real life incident someone told me abt in which a black baby was born to a white couple. they divorced soon after.
                  Wonder this time where she's gone,wonder if she's gone to stay
                  Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,and this house just ain't no home
                  anytime she goes away.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: Affairs

                    ha ha ha ha ha omg!!!
                    HE ASKED ME WHO IS MORE IMPORTANT TO U? "ME" OR UR "LIFE" I REPLIED MY LIFE.HE WENT AWAY WITHOUT KNOWING DAT HE WAS MA LIFE!


                    V DUNE OVA' TAKE
                    V JUS TAKE OVA'

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: Affairs

                      Originally posted by SalmanNY

                      Eighth affair:

                      The neighbor woman said, 'I did not say his penis had a
                      wart on it, I said it felt like it had a wart on it!"

                      Classic !!

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Re: Affairs

                        Thank you guys for laughing your heads off Indeed they are funny and thats why posted them. I dont post just ordinary jokes only jokes that are worth a laugh.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Re: Affairs

                          ..Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.. ~IK~

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Re: Affairs

                            they might be funny but they are also crude, lousy

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: Affairs

                              Hmmmm. Cheaters
                              The Pakistani Brain of the Austria (formerly known as "The Pakistani Brain of UAE")

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X