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Valentine Day guide ...

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    Valentine Day guide ...

    Here's a handy guide for those trying to pak-tor this Valentine Day.

    UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

    "Yes" = No
    "No" = Yes
    "Maybe" = No
    "I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
    "We need" = I want
    "It's your decision" = You better select the option I've already chosen.
    "Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.
    "We need to talk" = You did something wrong.
    "Sure, go ahead" = You go ahead, you die.
    "I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
    "You're so macho" = Can you please go and shave and shower?
    "Be romantic, turn out the lights" = My thighs are flabby.
    "This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house.
    Can we just be friends??= There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine again.
    I just need some space?= Without you in it.
    Are we moving too quickly?= I want to find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend first.
    "Do you love me?" = I want something expensive.
    "Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.
    "You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me.
    I don't know. What do you want to do??= I can't believe you have nothing planned!
    Sure, chicken rice is okay.?= You cheapo slob!
    "I said, nothing is wrong, okay?" = It's that time of the month.
    "Are you listening to me!?" = Too late, you're dead.

    UNDERSTANDING MEN

    "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
    "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
    "I'm tired" = I'm tired.
    "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    "Shall we dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
    "What's wrong?" = Why are you making such a big deal about this small-small thing?
    "What's wrong?" = What self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
    "What's wrong?" = Wah lau, tonight sure got no sex oreddy.
    "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
    "I love you." = Let's have sex now.
    "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
    "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = You cut your hair?
    "Let's talk." = Maybe if I show you I am deep and sensitive, you'll have sex with me.
    "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
    (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Wah lau, pick any freakin' dress and let's hurry up, go home, can or not?!
    "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go very well together." = I am gay.
    A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?
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