Now with all the french browbeating...someone sent this to me in the mail...
For our French friends
The Complete Military History of France
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next
2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an
Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female
schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French
Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a
Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red
flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian
War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the
Frenchtheir first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every
since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar
to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare:
"France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the
First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match or a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by
the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like
to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United
States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to
bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a
western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and
produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the
French."
This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians,
Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslim fundamentalists just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"
Q. Why are the streets of Paris tree-lined?
A. So the Germans can march in the shade.
For our French friends
The Complete Military History of France
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next
2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an
Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female
schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French
Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a
Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red
flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian
War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the
Frenchtheir first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every
since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar
to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare:
"France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the
First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match or a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by
the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like
to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United
States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to
bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a
western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and
produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the
French."
This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians,
Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslim fundamentalists just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"
Q. Why are the streets of Paris tree-lined?
A. So the Germans can march in the shade.
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