marrying someone you have serious problems with

[behna]

Salaam to Everyone

The point of this message was to seek some good advice. I am engaged to a man who loves me a lot, this was a "love" engagement, and he used to be really nice to me and listen to everything I said in the beginning. But ever since I have started listening to things he asks me for, I have lost the "raub" I used to have on him, and he has got the thing in his head now that since I am younger and am a girl that I should listen to him, does any girl here know how to retreive the lost "raub" I once had on my fiance? Males are welcome to answer as well.

[Stud]

Dear Behna (Your name is very discouraging for the possibilities of romance),

I fear you have blundered. Men in general like difficult arrogant women. If you have shown compromise I beleive you have fallen.
Though most people would agree that this is a ireversible process, the time to act is now.
Your imediate action right now should involve a new atitude problem. Stop speaking to him on the phone for some time. Pretend to be busy and preocupied.
Show less concern and be stuborn. Do not consider these acts to be cruel or harsh. Men like it. Infact if you wish to be respected this is the only plausible course of action you should adopt.
If you wish to take this a step further, it would also be advisable to show him you have other options. Start talking to a cousin or an old freind who may have liked you before. Arouse his jealousy to the point of insecurity but not anger.
The actions mentioned above should remedy the problem and create a happy picture of domestic bliss in your future.

Stud

[arbab]

Maybe you got it all wrong sweetie, maybe he is dosent love you anymore. He is probably regretting the day he told you that he loves you.

p.s by the way how much age diffrence is between the two of you, EVER SLEPT WITH THE GUY?

[Mahnoor]

STUD...are you sure you are really a MAN....
Anyway I am surprised to hear this suggetion from you....
Thanks for letting us know that....

[Jack Handy]

Well behna.. ewhy dont u let him know how you feel... instead of getting advice from a couple of adolscents on Gupshup - go talk to your fiancee.. Relationships are not abt always listening to one person. Sometimes u give in other times he should- they should be balanced....." raub" has no place in a relationship - honesty does... so just talk to him and am sure u'll work something out.... - BTW - this is a real minor issue .. reelationship have weather lots of fiercer storms.... u just dont give up u work on them.... all realtionships are that way regardlesss of the person.....

[NYAhmadiX]

Dear Behna

As a resident expert on relationships, I feel obliged to offer you my counsel. I think Stud has some valid points. It is true that men can be a little insecure when it comes to relationships (specially Desi men). They do tend to think that they are the 'center' of the universe, and everyone should be gravitated towards them. Sometimes, it is just their way of saying "enough already with the engagement", I wana marry NOW. Honestly, don't take him seriously, he is probably just going through some 'downtime' with his life. As far as 'raub' is concerned, that is not a good thing. Relationships only survive when there is 'belonging' and not 'owning'. Since you are engaged, why not go out to a 'romantic movie' (if you have done that already). While writing this, i just noticed Jack Handy's response. I totally agree with him....

[msaqibj]

Dear behana
There is no good advice in my post because of the lack of the experience in this department but I would like to discuss some points.

Are you sure that the situation is actually the same as you are feeling?
Because sometimes the situation is not the same as we feel. Before doing any thing, please, just make sure that every thing is actually the same as you feel.
Once you find out then take your next step.
The best way is to bring this up next time you talk to him.
What do you exactly mean by "Raub".

I don't see any problem in listening to each other. If he wants you to listen to him, then listen to him, after listening him, make him listen to you. That is how it works.
I would not do any thing to make him jealous, this would increase stress. Making jealous to some one works fine before you are promised to some one. After you decide to spend your life with some one particular, then "working out" is the best thing to keep in the mind all the time.
I have no experience about these things that is why I can not tell you what to do properly. One thing I can tell you in general that all men/women are not the same. Making your future life partner jealous, contacting some one you liked in the past or he/she liked you or letting him/her know that you do have other options could bring some unhappy endings like loosing your love. And I don't think any body would like to loose his/her love for a small and negligible situation like that. If you make him/her jealous, he/she could make you jealous too. If you have the other options, he/she would have the other options too. If you contact your old flames, then he/she can get into the old flames too. These all things could lead to the worst and no one who wants to spend his/her life with his/her love would like to do any thing, which could lead to the worst.
Try to avoid the conflicting topics. You guys are only engaged, just talk about the love and peace you two are going to give to each other after you get married.

[dilse]

well..if you are engaged,and he liked you before...I will sit and talk to the guy..what is the problem....ask him why is he behaving like this..what is bothering him...is he regretting getting engaged to you...I dont know what you mean by (Raub)kis kisam ke raub ap apna devta ke sath karna chati hain......go there,come here,sit down,standup you want to treat him like your servant etc....did he get engaged to you for immigration problem....or vice versa....


dil..dilseeeeeeeeeeeeee

[Mr Fraudia]

Advice is my worst vice... so here goes.

There will always be some conflict, some differences and issues. Now this is how I handle these..

1) Are the issues minor ... ignore them.
2) If the issue is not minor...do you know why the issue exists.. what are you doing wrong.
3) If you honestly feel that you are not doing anything wrong intentionally, do you feel that the other person is simply not aware of or does not realize how the behaviour is affecting you or bothering you. In that case just approach him/her at the right time in a non confrontational manner, and be open, honest and direct.
4) If you feel that the person is doing something, while knowing that the actions are bothering you, then you have to sit down and work it out, maybe that is that person’s way of getting attention because they are not happy with something that you are doing.

What it all boils down to is is honest simple communication, understanding and mutual respect. I have been married for almost 2 years now and my babez n I are closer with each passing day than the 2 years before our wedding. The trick is how do you resolve the differences, how you understand each other and have that mutual respect, honesty, openness and maturity to not let minor things mutate into issues that need to be resolved and this would involve giving the other person the benefit of the doubt as much as possible. Hey you clowns are in love, dont let egos and small differences spoil that.
Whatever you do, always approach these things with a clear mind, do not get into any mind games or other childish tactics, they are very unbecoming and counterproductive.

Good luck.

[sonya]

i second jack handy ...relationships should be worked upon

[ghalib]

Well...well...what have got brewing here...

behna:

"But ever since I have started listening to things he asks me for, I have lost the "raub" I used to have on him..."

A relationship should never be about "raub" If you tend to look at as how you can make you married life better, never cinsider the "I" in marriage. Always consider "We." The way you sound, you want to keep raub on your partner and in my opinion you should give up this relationship because its not standing on the right foundation to begin with.

"...and he has got the thing in his head now that since I am younger and am a girl that I should listen to him, ..."

Two explantions. first, this could be true. Men like to be control freaks and some do have the tendency to abuse the relationship only because they feel their judgments are being undermined. If thats the case, you need to talk and get this in his head that you're his wife, his partner in life. You have as much say in your mutual life as he does.
Second, this could all be just in your head. Are you assuming he's being chauvanist because you have lost your "raub" in this guy. You're speculating scenarios and givng wind to problems which will resurface later on in life even after you have resolved this issue. Solution? Talk!! Tell him this is how you feel and see how he responds.

Stud:

"I fear you have blundered. Men in general like difficult arrogant women. If you have shown compromise I beleive you have fallen..."

you're saying that marriage is about being stubborn and getting things the way you want them? The whole idea of marriage is the fact that you compromise with your partner that both will act as one to make each other's life better.

"Your imediate action right now should involve a new atitude problem. Stop speaking to him on the phone for some time. Pretend to be busy and preocupied.
Show less concern and be stuborn...Start talking to a cousin or an old freind who may have liked you before. Arouse his jealousy to the point of insecurity but not anger"

I am sorry, but I am a little curious. Are we talking about the dating scenes of the Junior high schools, high schools here or marriage? Pls. clarify!!

"Men in general like difficult arrogant women.."

Men like to win a date with difficult arrogant women to feed the ego. Once they have conquered, the challenge is gone and they move on to the next one. This only hold true for people in the dating, clubbing scenes. Hold no water, literally, in marriage scneraios.

arbab:

"...EVER SLEPT WITH THE GUY?.."

Lemme surprise you here a bit!! there's a lot more to marriage then sex.

Fraudia and saqib, I concur with almost everything you guys said!!

[Stud]

Here we go again. The return of the Romantics. All the buzz words are buzzing again :
1. Honesty.
2. Sharing.
3. Listening.
4. Giving.
5. Belonging.
6. Trust.

Though they make us feel warm and mushy they have no real place in reality.
If your spouse is a Noble secure soul with no complexes or weakenesses then by all means try the six things mentioned above.
But if he falls under the 99.99% of all humans I sugest you take my advice.

Stud

[ghalib]

Stud:

Just one question: where did you get the 99.99% figure from??

[Mr Fraudia]

Neither myself, or my babez are noble secure souls. Everyone has their weaknesses, insecurities/complexes, some have it more, some have it less. Its a good idea however to check this "baggage" at the door when you are trying to sort an issue with anyone, especially someone as important as a spouse.

Mind games and childish tactics are exactly what they sound like.. games and childish.. not the best way to deal with issues. Are you suggesting the supposed "buzz words" dont have any importance in a relationship, and giving someone an attitude or not speaking to them are components of a preferred approach to solve issues rather than honest communication in a mature manner http://www.pak.org/gupshup/biggrin.gif

btw... being romantic and realistic are not mutually exclusive.

‘Nuff said

[Stud]

Though I strongly agree with most of you and have great respect for the solutions you have offered I think they would be more aplicalbe in a place called Heaven.
And because we go there after we die the living must adapt ways to suit the fallabilities of man rather than relying on ever absent nobility.

Stud