Understanding between couples

[BoSS]

Is there any thing like "understanding" between two people.

I DON'T THINK SO!
why? cuz we are human beings and we can think differently.

No matter how much alike is the thinking of two "individuals", there is always some point when one has to disagree with the other.

AGREED?

If yes! then what is all this crap about
Love marriages
Soul mates
Ideal spouse

There is always a COMPROMISE. An effort to develop understanding.
People who don't see compromise call themselves in love and those who see it end up in a seperation.

Are humans bunch of crack pots or what!

Ciao
BoSS

p.s Sarfraz (yawn) I saved you a line yaar

[rizwana]

Boss salam,

Life is a total compromise and give n take. It may lead to love n affection. Complex ! but without it one can be really lonely.
I agree no two people think excatly alike.
I would say that people who continue to compromise for love, remain in love but the moment this vanishes, the relationship ends.

Allah hafiz

[Mudassar]

Assalam alaikum

Difference of ideas shouldn't really break up marriages. It's when the foundations of the marriage are damaged that marriages are broken.

Assalam alaikum

[Shirin]

dear friends,
understanding exists but you have to work for it.
Two people make up a marriage. Both have to work at it. Marriage is not a guarantee of "happily ever after". Yes, two different people are involved. That's why I feel it's so important to communicate before one is married about ideas, values and priorities. Obviously that's not enough. A vital ingredient in a successful marriage is open, honest communication and just as important is to create an atmosphere where this is possible. People live and learn, changing with every day and every experience that comes their way. It's so important to be able to say, "I don't agree" honestly and respectfully. It's just as important to be able to say, "I don't agree with you but I'll accept your right to differ". You can love someone whose ideas are different from yours as long as he accepts your right to think differently.

[This message has been edited by Shirin (edited 09-19-98).]

[BoSS]

Thanks for the reply guys

Rizwana:
"I would say that people who continue to compromise for love, remain in love but the moment this vanishes, the relationship ends."

well said!

Mudassar
"Difference of ideas shouldn't really break up marriages"

Mudassar sahib! if you had to live with a difference opinion for every day of your life...would you accept it or end the relationship? (just curious)

Shirin:
"You can love someone whose ideas are different from yours as long as he accepts your right to think differently."

Shirin, isn't this a mature approach but aren't we helpless in some situation. For example if someone's wife wants to work and the husbands accepts her rights but his family doesn't. I wonder what the couple ends up doing? Apparently, it isn't an easy solution when it comes to family pressures due to lack of "understanding"

ciao
BoSS

[Muzna]

" For example if someone's wife wants to work and the husbands accepts her rights but his family doesn't. I wonder what the couple ends up doing?" -- BoSS

Good question! Exactly where does the line get drawn, if at all, between what you want for yourself and what your family wants. . . . .

[Mudassar]

Assalam alaikum

Boss,

I am a muslim and my rights and wrongs come from Islam and would be the same for my wife. A muslim man or a woman would only do something if Islam allows it.

It would depend what the difference in opinion would affect because if it affected the belief in Islam then we would have to divorce.

When someone gets married they must have an idea of where they want to take the family, i.e. how they want to educate their children, how will they get their income etc. They must not be selfish and neither the man or the woman should be seen as running the family but both must have specific roles so that there isn't a clash of interest.

My father has a difference of opinion with me but I would not listen to him if he told me to do something which is anti-Islamic. Now he must be able to respect that and the same would be for a man or a wife.

Assalam alaikum

[KKNIAZI]

well BoSS, I reckon understanding comes with compromise, one has got to compromise in a relationship to make the relationship work.

Nobody is perfect and to accept other with his/her "khoobian and khamian" makes the relationship IDEAL.

Working of a woman-BoSS! Is it a "right"????
I believe even in west, DINKS exist because both have got to work in a capitalist society. Otherwise even western woman doesn't want to go out n work. It may sound CONVENTIIONAL but Aurat kaaa sahih muqaam uskaa ghar hai.

As far as 'Family pressure" and "where exactly the line drawn" things are concerned, this is where "compromise" and "Understanding" b/w the couples is of vital importance. Otherwise, these things are not required at all, isn't it?

This is what makes marriage, a "success".

Lekin BoSS! tum upnay Ghutnoan bulkay Gittoan (Tukhnay) pur zoar kyoon daal rahay ho??????........wondering

Cheers,
Kaleem

[BoSS]

Salam

Mudassar sahib,
Are there any strict & specific roles of men and women set by islam.
What kind of rights of women would make you think of a divorce.
I'm gonna get you in trouble pretty soon....a lot of feminists guard this forum hehe...so be carefull

KK...good to see you around.
gocha man! no body is perfect! and compromise is the key lekin yaar ugli party thinks she is perfect wink! And u know me being a BoSS...can't "understand & compromise" with this kinda attitude.
Result: mamoo hi reh gaay phir say.

A lot of pressure on my Godas and gittas.

Ciao
BoSS

[Niaz]

Assalam O Alaikum!!

Goday gittay, hehe, lol, rofl.

Lalay the thing is that, in marriage life the most important thing is understanding between the couples and as we know no two persons share the same ideas, thats what we got to keep in our mind if someone has a clash with his/her partner, that he /she has her/his own way of thinking.

Specially i think for the women, they have to completely mould themselves after their marriage. They are in the new world, where need not but everything can be different. So i think its the duty of the Hazrat man bhai to stay calm if she has some different way of thinking. He should give her time to mould herself according to the new environment, woh kehtay hain na kharbooza kharboozay ko daikh ker rang pakarta hay. Slowly and gradually she will be manoos with the style of his house and the way of her husband.

The best tool of the couples should be controlling their temper in case of any behas or laraee. Its not necessary that if u r right to doosray key sar per char jao, No, if u r partner is unable to understand /believe u, just drop the topic, leave it for some other pleasant time to discuss.

Watching dramas on TV, one thing comes to my mind, self respect is also one of the reason of big (india - Pakistan) clash between the couples which results in divorce. When one of the partners is not able to agree with the other one just because it will hurt his / her self respect. Wat i think there should be no selfrespect btw couples. Agar choti choti baat ko ana ka masla banaya jaay to phir ho gaya kaam.

Wa'Allah o Alam! / Assalam O Alaikum.

[Shirin]

I quote: "Specially i think for the women, they have to completely mould themselves after their marriage"
Aha! So that's why men look at the physical features. The only ones they don't want to change. Who gives a damn about character or any other quality if all they want is a mind to mould?
Take warning, ladies.....
Ban your photos.

[Niaz]

Assalam O Alaikum !!

Shirin jee : moulding here means hmm jaisay a soldier before coming to Military Acadmy, lives a very normal life but after coming there, he has to mould himself to fit there, i mean follow the rules and regulations and thing ...

As far as a woman is concerned, what i meant was like, e.g. eik larki hay jo mashallah subah 10 ya 11 bajay uthney ki adee hay, when she marries she has to change herself according to the norms of the house she goes to, agar ghar walay subah jaldee uthtay hain to usay bhi uthna parayga, and things like that. i mean she has to change her lifestyle, baap key ghar main jo zid, manmaani hotee hay, woh need not mian key ghar main bhi chalay, ab aur main kia kahoon...

Allah Hafiz / Assalam O Alaikum.

[Shirin]

I personally believe that we are confusing religion and culture once again.... Where in Islam does it say we have to live with our in-laws? But with our cultural system, even out of our homeland, we drag this tradition along with all it's advantages (in rapid fall) and disadvantages (on the increase). So a girl who has grown up in a ceratin atmosphere of freedom learns, alas, too late that she has married not only her apparently modern, progressive husband but also his family and all the totally immovable, unchangeable traditions and that he is powerless to do anything about them even if he wants to.... And neither of them is mature enough to realise that the problem is for them to solve first between them. A girl has problems with her in-laws because her husband allows it to happen. Full stop.

[Mudassar]

Assalam alaikum

Boss,

The man must work and there must be no excuses. He has to provide the family and make sure the family have everything they need.

Pakistani culture says that the woman stays at home. In Islam it is a recommendation that the woman looks after the affairs of the house, which isn't just cooking and cleaning. In Islam a woman is not sinful if she works or opens up her own business.

Many people on this forum think that there is only one Islamic answer. In fact there are many. I only present one solution and all solutions as long as they are within the framework of Islam lead to Jannah.

Assalam alaikum

[Niaz]

Assalam O Alaikum !!

Where in Islam does it say we have to live with our in-laws?

Now where its written we should not live with them????

Isi liay kehtay hain shadi daikh ker kerni chahiaay, the situation u have mentioned happens when ya to larka larki ko bhaga ker lay jaay ya phir love marriage ho, in both cases the families of both the parties are not consulted, larka doesn't care if his parents like the gal or not. Larki doesn't care which house she is going to. So wrong work ka wrong result. .

Urdu main eik misal hay, Do kashti ka sawar hamesha doobta hay. So either we should be Muslims or just leave it. yeh 50 - 50 jab hoga to phir yehe problem ho gee. Is liay woh tamam larkian jo open minded hain ya phir "they have grown up in a certain atmosphere of freedom" un ho chahiaay kisi george ya Tony ya Jimmy say shadi karain. Like wise for men , they should marry some lina, tina or mina.

If someone asks me of a person who marries a gal and just b'cos of her he leaves his family. I want to kill that joru ka ghulam b'cos the whole life his parents has taken care of him/ loved him or woh bad bakht ... neways.

I am not saying key bas bv per zulm karo, no, should give her as much care/love as u can but leaving parents, If u ask me, 100000 bvian qurban over them,(even if she is the one i love most). And believe me i have seen many women making their husbands leave their parents, 2 - 3 to meray apnay khandan main hain.

I know ladies won't like these, except those who are aged and have more of the role of a mother than a wife. hehe.

Assalam O Alaikum