Heart or mind...

[pardesi82]

salam everyone. Sigh...so sad, I don't know weather to choose what my heart says to do or my mind. Unfortunately they are split over a certain problem...arranged marriage to a guy I have never met. Nahin ka kar, family ko disappoint karon, ya phir hain ke kar, apne dil ko chup kardoon. Kya karoon? Shayad is ka koy jawab hi nahin ha Well wish me luck.

[Kajoor]

God..same problem my friend is going through. What ever u decide it should what makes you happy. very tough though I know.

[pardesi82]

Kajoor, mai kya karoon! Koi bhi rastan shahin nahi lagta. Aur apne family ko bataan ni ki koshish bhi ki, magar hameesha interupt hogatan hai. I have been going through this for months and now I'm just getting tired. I know in the end I will end up shutting out my heart...sigh, as usual I don't like this game.

[Kajoor]

First have you read the thread Love or in the family forum?.. read that there is some good advise there, although not the same problem as yours but a similar situation..ok

[Ahmar]

If I remember correctly...youre only 18 right? Why are your parents considering marriage for you at such a young age? You havn't even started college yet right?

Arranged marraiges are a mixed bag entirely. Please don't be offended, but I believe that 18 is a young age to be confronted with such a life altering decision. If I were you I would suggest to your parents that you would like to get through college first, and then consider marriage. This will definitely by you some time.

Again, not knowing the entire story...its the best advice I can give based on the experience of a close friend who was brave enough to confront her parents and come to a similar compromise. She got married after completing her degree to a man of her and her parents' choice , and both parties are extremely happy.

Good luck, and always follow your heart! Things always seem to work out in the end.

[Daysee Behna]

Hey ya'll!

First off.. Okay *cheer up* and smile! There's nothing worth really in life being blue about, unless u really are left with no way out. Its okay to despair once in a blue moon, but as soon as we can pick ourselves up again and be all set running!

uff. Us poor guppose. Ithni serious serious fizain chain howin hain yahan. Ooooh Gracious Almighty, send a joyous spark to all of us and light up our lives, giving us a quick boost to carry on further with the game of life. Ameen sum Ameen.

Ahmar but they say, if u follow ur heart, it may lead u towards dark bottomless pits, and no one might be there to catch ur fall

Okay Perdaysi sweet-ci-ma-tos! Take a deep breath and ask urself is it really worth it, wud be u be able to go thru the situation if say u were to follow ur heart. Do u know urself well enuf and u can justify with confidence that yes u'll be able to overcome obstacles in a way i.e. having full faith in urself, and not giving in to what others may say. My dearest, if u've done and overcome that part of the deal, then it won't be bad to really consider what ur heart tells u. Its always better though, to run an extensive reality check on what our heart tells us. For personally, I think, a person can fulfil the purpose of life by only being true to oneselve. Some of us end up living fake lives for the sake of wordly factors, which makes me think, when we go up there, returning ourselves to our Creator, will we be questioned that were we kind to ourselves down here on earth, did we took care of our contructive goals and dreams.
The essence of happiness lies within self satisfaction, which comes only when we have a balance in our lives. Over doing anything leads towards drastic results. Junoon is not healthy
Now, Perdaysi ji, I don't know what the nature of ur situation may be. But here's some *bafflegab* if it makes sense, and is applicable, I'm more than glad to write away.
See sometimes in our youth, we might think that what we think is the best for us, might not be really 'the one way out' for us. The only way one can trully justify that statement, is when we as individuals have surpassed the levels which come in play towards building our confidence in life. By that I mean, is that its better if we focus on ourselves first, before it comes to choosing someone to spend our life with. I know its a bit ironic, when parents sometimes don't listen, if u feel like saying to them that "You are Not Ready Yet" however, there are ways to work around that. First of all, try to gain the attention of ur parents, and make it obvious for them that u're not into it. See, its even not right for our elders to force us into something that we do not wish to be involved in. Anyway if nothing works, then just one advice sis. Concentrate or atleast try to finish ur studies, and that ur able enuf to handle life on its own, if Allah forbits its called for. Don't be disheartened reading this please, for I'll just give u a bit of the realistic picture of this life. For when u know, ur able enough to take life on ur own, without turning to someone else to depend on, u'll see how rewarding it is. InshAllah.
Some may disagree with me, but I think its most important for a girl in our society to maintain her individuality in that sense, where she is secured career wise (have a good education background) adn a solid base underneath her feet, so that she can walk with her head high, boldly stepping into every day wakes of her life. Pardaysi, give urself priority in that regard. If u can do that for uself, inshAllah all obstacles will be perhaps a bit more easier to tackle. And if ur parents are willing to marry u real soon, then atleast try to negotiate with them to let u finish school (college, uni etc) properly.
And don't be too discouraged. Hey u never know. If u don't like that family now, who knows it might turn out to be the perfect one for u. Just consider the facts, do they like u as a person, do they know ur family well enuf, are they good friends and have good ties with ur folks? Whats their reputation like? Whats the guy like... if u can't find a reasonable eliminating factor, then trust Allah and ask Him for guidence. Afterall, its Ramadan, and He listens to those who asks Him!
Wishing u well always... and best of luck!

Adios!
DB

[pardesi82]

Salam everyone. Alhumdulillah I am not in the depressive mood I was in yesterday. Thanks for all the support though. I honestly don't mind anyones opinion and rather enjoy getting a chance to see things from different points of views.

Kajoor-Inshallah I will check out that forum today after exams and all. Thanks for the advice.

Ahmar-You are right, I am 18. And inshallah I will be doing a double major in molecular biology and medicine, so I really don't want to get married before I start my studies. And actually my parents know of my unhappiness but they don't day anything because of the pressures put on by my sister and brother-in-law, who feel they know everything there is to know about life and religion. Unfortunately they have a lot of weight in the house and it is them that I fear because they have their ways of control. For instance, my brother-in-law would go to any extent to get his way, even if that means pulling me out of all clubs and sport, starting home schooling and making me quit a full time job. And he was ready to do all this over the summer. His reason he says, "I attract too much attention and even though wear hijab and alhumdulillah pray and read Qu'ran daily my faith in Allah is not great enough. And the fact that he thinks he can be the judge of my faith makes me angry. I am not running from marriage I am simply asking for time, but as they see it, time is no necessary.

Daysee bhana-thanks for all of the advice. Maybe you are right. My being 18 doesn't give me alot of experience and what I think may be right now could later seem different. But as of right now I just want to concentrate on my studies. And I honestly have left the whole situation in the hands of Allah (swt) and I pray every day that he will guide me.

To everyone- Thanks for cheering up my day...somewhat. Maybe I'm just over stressed or something with exams, work, fasting and having a cold that doesn't want to leave. But other than that i got a lot to be thankful for.

see I'm smiling =>

[Mem Sahib]

Mashallah you're one brave and siani girl.... and believe in Allah coz he will guide you, whatever happens - happenss for the best...

[pardesi82]

Thanks mamshaib. My nanni used to say that to me...a lot. You are right. Inshallah whatever happens will happen for the best.

[kami-kaze]

Salam pardesi82:-

hay! just listen to u mind

Aik Sathi
[email protected]@ze

[Mem Sahib]

Originally posted by pardesi82:
Thanks mamshaib. My nanni used to say that to me...a lot. You are right. Inshallah whatever happens will happen for the best.

Moi as siani as your naani huh ?
http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/ok.gif

[pardesi82]

Humm things didn't get any better today. My brother in law is trying to convince my parents that I am to young and niave to be given a choice and should just say, "yes." sigh. What is wrong with the picture. Maybe he's right, perhaps I'm just being selfish or something. I don't know. Inshallah Allah(swt) will guide me the right way.

Mem Shahib-LOL Yup you got it. But hey I loved my nanni more than anything in the world and now even though she is gone she is still very much alive in my memories. So everything she said was very important to me and you having said the same thing just brought back good memories. So thanks

[Daysee Behna]

Ufff May Allah forbid anything going wrong Pardesi ...
I know how it'd feel to be bossed around by some other person. It can be very very stressy. And the pathetic part when is they dominate over ur reasonings, using their rank to really influence those who might be deciding for u. Is there anything we can do to help u other than analysing just what u've written above. Do u mind giving us the facts and where abouts about the other family so we can all help somewhat to really look deeply into this matter. Or rather wud u prefer to go over that with someone in email, than this forum? hmm... ask Naiklarki if she cud move ur thread to the "family life" section Pardesi, where u can get more on a serious and extensive input perhaps.

How much do u know about the family who'll be proposing u? Do u like them at all.

Well InshAllah if u hold steady to ur ground Pardesi, and keep on praying with sincerity, Allah will help granting ur wish. Yes, studies shud be priority for sure. however if nothings seems to work, then don't let ur bro-in-law spoil the overall picture for u. For perhaps the anger u really feel towards him, shudn't be directed towards the family that u might bond up with. Cuz its really natural to feel that way. I.E. when u hate something, and everything related to it, while happens, u might hate that as well. For u know it won't be fair, to just dislike other positive aspects of ur life, due to the negative atmospher which might be created by bro-in-law.

Be patience, but speak up ur mind. Try talking to ur parents. Atleast be persistent!
For thats the key towards success.

Adios!
DB

[pardesi82]

Salam everyone,

Inshallah you are all in good health and all.

Daysee bhena-Thanks for everythin gyou are trying to do. Inshallah I will ask them to move my thread but not until tom. porbaly cause I'm really busy with exams. But inshallah I will tell you the whole story through email, hopefuly tonight after work. Well I would write more becasue you guys are really helpful and lift spirits but I really have to concentrate on the last tests and eveyrhting. But honestly you seem to be very understanding and compassionate and for that may Allah(swt) give you credit. Till next time.

Allah hafiz

[Kajoor]

Originally posted by Daysee Behna:
Hey ya'll!

Some may disagree with me, but I think its most important for a girl in our society to maintain her individuality in that sense, where she is secured career wise (have a good education background) adn a solid base underneath her feet, so that she can walk with her head high, boldly stepping into every day wakes of her life. Pardaysi, give urself priority in that regard. If u can do that for uself, inshAllah all obstacles will be perhaps a bit more easier to tackle. And if ur parents are willing to marry u real soon, then atleast try to negotiate with them to let u finish school (college, uni etc) properly.

Adios!
DB

AOA,

P82 I hope you are ok, I have been out of town for last couple of days hence not been able to keep in touch. I needn’t had worried b/c it looks like you have been well looked after by DB. Who I consider after reading what she has advised you, as your guardian angel after Allah (swt) of course. All of DB’s advise is excellent but what I consider the most important is as quoted above.

I think it is fundamental that you complete your studies for the reason stated by DB. I want to marry an educated girl b/c it would make me so much happy knowing that should some thing happen me, my wife would be able to look after herself and would not be left as a burden to anyone. That is so important.
I fail to comprehend your brother in law’s attitude. Is it his brother you that you are being set up with??? Just trying to understand where his attitude is coming from.

I wish u well in your test and when you are free we will talk more.

WS



[This message has been edited by Kajoor (edited December 14, 2000).]