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    Taking care of someone else's children

    I didn't want to post this in Life 1 because it is so dominated by libido and gender wars and I seriously wanted to know what people think about this. Since divorces and spousal deaths are so common, a lot of people have to take care of children who aren't their own and the transition and the relationship are never easy. When my mother died and my father remarried, my sister and me had to go through the same and it was hell on both sides. It was small things like not letting my stepmother sit in the front seat or even with my father at any time, to big things like telling her to go to hell. But I know now, now that I have grown up, that my sister and I got very lucky. I have had to live with people who are not my parents many times in my life and two years ago I had to do the same when I started living alone. I lived with my stepmother's sister and her husband and I paid rent. They paid 100 dollars to the landlord, I paid them three times that amount for a room. I am spoiled, I have never washed the dishes, never done the laundry so I didn't think, I just didn't ever think of helping my stepmother out around the house. Eventually, from talking about me loudly when I was in my room, to phoning my parents and making them worried, I moved out because they could never even let me live over there. To them I was not a family member, but someone less than that. Whenever I think about what they did, I am consumed with rage. If someone treated her daughter like that, she would die.

    So I think I was so lucky to get my stepmother. I know there are many horrible stories about stepparents, there is sexual abuse, there is lack of trust, lack of affection, and a sense of complete loneliness and in such a transition, there were those things for me and my sister and my stepmom as well (not abuse, my stepmother has never laid a hand on us, I meant loneliness and anger). Until I was 14, there were about 6 years of complete hell.

    I don't think most people can ever take care of children that are not their own. Even women, who we think are so compassionate and giving and maternal, they can't do it too. I think it takes a unique woman, an incredible woman such as my stepmother to give up her everything and give it all to her stepchildren. She won't even buy clothes until we have bought expensive ones and she buys cheap ones from the leftover money, she won't eat without us, she won't even make herself chicken if we are not there to eat it. She washes our underwear, even now, and I am 21 and my sister 18, when they are soiled with blood from periods. She has NEVER asked to cook or to clean, to vaccuum or to dust. Never in my entire life. And I know if my mother was alive, she would have been less than my stepmom.

    Another one of those tribute threads yeah, because I hold this woman in such great regard, despite everything. But I also want to know your opinions. I know there are some people on this board who have stepparents.

    #2
    Re: Taking care of someone else's children

    You know, it's so funny, we forget how great and precious a bond it is between parent and child. It is hard to find someone capable of love any greater. Maybe it's one reason we are so reluctant to trust our spouses sometimes, maybe it's the reason for divorce. We never think anybody else will stand by us like that. We give our parents so much grief, so much anger and despair and they still stand by us, at least the vast majority of parents do. What will parents not do for their children? Precious little will fall into that category.

    It takes a loss to define a relationship. I feel a mixture of anger, resentment, tenderness, understanding, this untangible amazing ball of emotions when I see a mother with her baby. Anger that that 99% of mothers will not be capable of loving someone else's child like that and resentment for that same reason too.

    I forgot to add, my real khala was the same as my stepmother. I used to beat up her kids, but she never laid a hand on us, she never even scolded us, and neither did her kids. Even now, her kids watch out for us and treat us with so much love and respect. They were forbidden from hurting us in any way, and they were the same age as us, around 6 years old. What does a 6 year old know about loss and someone else's fragility? They understood it.

    This is a rant. But I am overwhelmed by the range of emotions a human being can experience and is capable of.

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      #3
      Re: Taking care of someone else's children

      Sarah,

      your roti dhoti stories are getting boring. Don't you have anything better to do in your life? Please live your dream and move to Suwaat.

      Comment


        #4
        Re: Taking care of someone else's children

        Since now you know I follow a formula, you know to stay away from my threads. Those who have stepparents will understand, and that is who this is for. I have nothing to cry about because I am old enough now to appreciate how lucky I have been. I want to know how lucky or unlucky others have been.

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          #5
          Re: Taking care of someone else's children

          By the way, your comment was cheap. Many I am roti dhoti, but what you said trivialises loss. Everyone has some way of dealing with it, and this is mine. If you don't understand or don't like it, you don't have to put it down. It's incredibly hurtful and thoughtless. Even if you have lost a parent, you can't even begin to understand what the experience was like for others.

          Comment


            #6
            Re: Taking care of someone else's children

            LuxuryItem - that was a rather stupid comment, u could've not added anything at all.

            Sarah - I don't have anything constructive to add, but just wanted to say that don't think that your biological mother wouldn't have done that for you. It's amazing masha'Allah how much ur stepmom does for you, and you indeed are lucky. I hope u let her know that what an amazing woman she is. You are so right about women being typified as compassionate, nuturing, motherly, etc. but I honestly don't know how many can actually love kids other than their own as much as ur stepmom loves you and your sister. I can't say anything for myself even though I consider myself to be gentle, compassionate etc. I've toyed with the idea of adopting and making a child's life better but i'm so afraid of not loving enough, or not doing enough, or anything other short comings on my end. I don't know if that makes sense or not. Anywway, I miss my mother very much right now :-(
            Save Pakistan.

            Comment


              #7
              Re: Taking care of someone else's children

              Totally understand what you're coming from. Moms are great. And yeah, its hard for a female to take care of kids that are not her own.
              I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

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                #8
                Re: Taking care of someone else's children

                mod sahiba summed it up, stupidity personified. sarah ignore such comments, some ppl aren't worth the worry, really.

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                  #9
                  Re: Taking care of someone else's children

                  Glad to hear you've finally accepted her. Maybe an apology, in the form of a gift even, for any altercations in the past, would be icing on the cake.
                  Yaad aaiy jo dard ki raat may, jis ki baat ho apni har baat may.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: Taking care of someone else's children

                    You have a wonderful stepmother Sarah, and im glad the love that you share is a two way street. i think acceptance, understanding and mutual respect are integral to this relationship of stepparents and stepsiblings.

                    My experience is quite the opposite and will definately put a downer on this thread, so i wont bother sharing.

                    I agree that it is very very difficult for some women to accept, respect and love children they havnt given birth to, just like it is for some men to accept step children too. Obvioulsy a number of factors effect this, but one that i find difficult to understand is the cliche that all stepparents are evil and will be evil, its like a prerequisite.
                    I understand, I just don't care.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: Taking care of someone else's children

                      luckily enough i don't have a personal experience to share ....but i know some adopted children who have been through all this

                      my younger sis was adopted by my phupho.....since she has no kids ....she was adopted when she was 3 or 4 months old.....my phupho looked after quite well , infact she spoiled her with too much love n permissive attitude ....
                      don't get me wrong ...i love my phupho to bits .....but when i try to put myself in her shoes ....she was really in a difficult position......she fulfilled all the demans by my sis ...mostly out of fear .....u know how ppl make assumptions ....she knew if she lets my sis down once ...she will be condemned n everyone will jump in to say she's doing this coz she isn' her biological mum

                      somehow she was reunited with us when she was 12 or so ....she is quite well behaved ....nice n mature sis now!

                      same happened with a cousin (khala's daughter) who was adopted by another khala ......

                      i , being a mother myself , know how hard parenting can prove to be at times.....n in case of step moms etc. its a real difficult task .....ppl see u with prejudice all the time .....every single thing u do for the kids has a potential of being interpreted wrongly......

                      if your step children come to realise how good you've been with them ....it shows you've done a superb job!!

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                        #12
                        Re: Taking care of someone else's children

                        I don't understand how you rparents could give their kid away
                        rubber band rubber band rubber band rubber band rubber band

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                          #13
                          Re: Taking care of someone else's children

                          Sarah thats very sweet and touching. Im glad you have realized what a gem your step mum is. Its strange how much we annoy our parents, how we think we are always right - especially during the whole teenage phase - but as soon as we are old enough to have some sense - we realize how great and important our parents are. God bless.
                          "Today in heaven they opened up a new chest dedicated to charity. It's name ?"

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                            #14
                            Re: Taking care of someone else's children

                            Originally posted by hiccup
                            I don't understand how you rparents could give their kid away

                            hiccup i don't understand it either......but i know it was a great sacrifice on part of my mum.....according to her she couldn't see her only sis in law in soooo much depression .....first it was me , going to be adopted ....but i'm the first born n by then i had started talking ....my father didn't agree...... so my baby sis was adopted instead .....!

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                              #15
                              Re: Taking care of someone else's children

                              yea i prolly cudnt take care of someone elses kid..
                              Adopt me Angelina.

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