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An amusing article from DAWN: Of love and first aid!!

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    An amusing article from DAWN: Of love and first aid!!

    Of love and first aid

    By M. Muddassir Rafique Khan

    You fall in love just once. Then you get used to it and you may be truly, madly, deeply in love once in a year or even once in a week. The Propensity to Fall in Love (PFL) is directly proportional to the product of number of successive encounters with prospective Love Interests For Eternity (LIFE) and the capacity to recuperate after previous heartbreak. The PFL is, however, indirectly proportional to the ability to forget previous supposedly life (now unprospective).

    The Authority for Proper Love Planning and Control (APLPC) formulates the following formula:

    With Eternity being a relative term (period between 2 to 365 days) and other factors like time, zalim samaj and bodyguards remaining constant, the PFL is equal to PFL-Successive encounters with prospective life X Heartbreak recuperation.

    The ability to forget previous life.

    Eligibility criteria

    According to APLPC, you must fulfil the following criteria in order to be able to fall in love.

    - You must be between 18 to 29 years of age (for people above 29, our word of advice: come on sir you are married; you have a family to support.

    - You must have the courage to wear red shirt, yellow pants and blue hat in order to attract Dan Cupid. Higher striking rate is observed in such technicolour cases.

    - You must listen to your heart only. Your mind keeps saying 'Don't do it' and your heart says 'Just do it!'. Remember "Heart is man's best friend'. (Here hearty hearty, good boy!). No offence intended against dogs.

    - You must possess a good bank balance (Our word of advice for those who don't have it: what are friends for?).

    - Everything is fair in love and war, therefore, your policy must be "Not good, not bad, just fair." Our experience tells us that fair-complexioned people prove to be best life. (Tip for unprospective life: Use fair and pretty cream. It's available everywhere and in sachet too.)

    - Your sunglasses and car keys must be more important than your Advanced Accounting book. (For those who don't agree with us: Good luck for your exams, maybe you'll be able to succeed in your seventh attempt. Seven is a lucky number, you know).

    - You must be a good runner. Our word of advice: Beware of Beloved's Dog, Run for your life, man!

    - You must think that you're Brad Pitt or at least his chaddi (knickers). Remember that it impresses Shania Twain much.

    - You must keep a quick reference thesaurus handy. Love is a word after all, if you repeat it too often you take the life out of it. Use other words. You'll find plenty in the thesaurus.

    - Last but not the least, keep a first aid box nearby. Couch love hurts!). Damn the beloved's bodyguards! Where the hell did they come from? They didn't fit in the picture, do they? (ooh, aah, ouch again!)

    If you think you fulfil the above conditions and are in your senses then you are able and willing to fall in love. (We've a winner here!)

    Standard love antics and procedures (SLAPs)

    To successfully fall in love you have to devise and implement Standard Love Antics and Procedures (SLAPs) with extreme judgment and due care. APLPC recommends following SLAPs.

    SLAP I: You have to develop an attitude. When your beloved is submissive develop 'Holler than thou' attitude (Hey! you can't touch my nose. In case of oppressive mature beloved attain 'I'm the dirt of your feet' attitude. (Want me to rub my nose on your feet. huh!)

    SLAP II: You must look once, then just stare. By doing so you'll be able to know the foot-size of your beloved. Valued information for future gifts. Never ever fall in love with big foots or persons wearing long nd pointed heels. In such case first aid box won't help. You'll be heading (or rather carried) straight to the emergency ward.

    APLPC recommends: Fall in love when slap platform shoes are in. They don't hurt much.

    SLAP III: You must be able to study 'that look' in your prospective love interest's eyes and on face and then accordingly plan your next strategy.

    The authority issues following notification on looks:

    A. Arched eyebrows and 'Iceburg that hit Titanic' eyes look: means buzz off (with emphasis on buzzz) and if you don't get lost my bodyguard are around. See if you can find your aid box first before they find you. Strategy: flee!

    B. Red checks and troubled eyes look: means either that person likes you too or is a victim of serious gastrointestinal problems. Strategy: Offer your soup, if he/she takes it, fine and good and if beloved vomits on your shirt, get the message. (Commercial break: .... se kapde saaf nahin, waqai saaf!)

    C. Caterpillar eyebrows and dreamy eyes look: means that person does not keep up with the fashion. Caterpillar eyebrows are definitely 'out', boo! next.

    D. Stunned eyes and occasional sideways smile: mean come, be my guest! and please grant me leave for two days. I shall be highly thankful.

    SLAP IV: Don't go near anyone who is eating an ice cream which has a weird attitude of its own.

    Ways to get out of absurd love (goal)

    In order to keep up the ratio of propensity to fall in Love (PFL), as soon a you are in love, you have to get out of it. But be careful so as to avoid any heartbreak.

    May we prescribe ways to goal (Get Out of (now) Absurd Love). Which is exactly what we have been doing so far.

    GOAL I: Think about all the bad things your love interest has done to you. Like when you were singing 'you're my sunshine' to your beloved. He/she was talking to someone on the mobile phone. Yeah, with whom? Don't even try to guess. (Commercial break: Beloved your, mine, ours).

    GOAL II: When you were looking the other way, you know what your beloved was doing, uugh plukering nose!

    GOAL III: You are so young and there is so much to do like taking your papers next week!

    GOAL IV: Try reading Faiz. Aur bhi gham hain zamane mein mohabat ke siva like gham ka fasana by Noor Jehan or Rahim Shah's Ka gham'.

    GOAL V: Smell garlic and think of beloved's breath.

    GOAL VI: Think low. Think that you are so stupid and dumb and you've not yet attained the age of maturity. It was so naive of you to do such a thing. And do you hear that? Your mom is calling you. Go Jonny boy, go!

    GOAL VII: Just three hints: Bodyguards, emergency department, Rest in peace.

    APLPC's last word of advice

    If you've been through the whole article and still think that you're the prospective candidate whom Dan Cupid should strike, then either you haven't seen your birth certificate lately or you've placed your mind somewhere and have done nothing to find it.

    *chuckle chuckle*

    very cute.
    i truly enjoyed reading it.