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Satire:Fans hit by "next tour" virus epidemic (TSN)

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    Satire:Fans hit by "next tour" virus epidemic (TSN)

    Its happening all round us - how will we survive ?



    Fans hit by "next tour" virus epidemic
    By our medical correspondent

    Karachi:As Pakistani cricketers prepare for yet another grueling overseas tour, medical experts are warning all who will listen, that many could be afflicted by an epidemic of what is loosely described as the "next tour" virus. Although, no fatalities have been reported yet, the effects of this virus is expected to play ludo and havoc on the streets.

    According to Prof MiggyLal who heads the Presidential Commission on National Shortcomings, this virus was first noticed among male monkeys at the Karachi Zoo ( now converted to the Sindh Assembly ). In controlled experiments and with considerable personal risk, Prof MiggyLal was able to prove that the monkeys, when exposed to high levels of stress ( e.g. watching current ODIs between West Indian and South Africa), exhibited many symptoms of this virus such as biting innocent humans (such as Prof MiggyLal) and reading books on particle physics. It is not,however, clear how this virus has moved between monkeys to humans. [ Prof. MiggLal refused to comment on rumors that he now eats bananas, while hanging upside down on his washing line at home]

    Whereas various authorities round the country are tight lipped about the spread of this virus, TheSourceNews's special correspondent on nefarious affairs, Noddy Green, has learnt that the problem is much more serious than initially assumed. In a confidential report, leaked solely to Noddy Green, the Government has estimated that at its peak, the virus will effect more than 150 Million people by the time the Pakistani cricket team reaches the departure lounge at Karachi airport.

    According to this report, the infected persons will be ideally between 1 month to 89 years old and their name will begin with any letter from A-Z. The patient will initially start by registering for a make believe Fantasy cricket tournament, then make sharp but pointless statement such as "Is Bazid Imran's Cousin's Nephew ?" or "Where did the Michelin go from my car ? Oh I see, Shoaib is wearing it !". This will gradually move on to more critical statements like "I wish we had Khalil" and culminate with the classic : "Why doesnt Inzi share his Biryani with Shoaib in public ? This is a conspiracy against Shoaib". In some extreme cases, people may also feel thirsty and consume large amounts of KitKat Chunky while repeating phrases such as "Haay Allah, Uff Baji !! I have a bad feeling, Lara will score more than 10" and even "Why dont they let Hanif Mohammed play again ?" Those in the terminal stages of this virus may also experience uncontrollable animal urges to recite at random and adnauseum, the first class and test averages of all players ( and their cousins) ever to play for Zimbabwe!

    Reaction on the streets of Pakistan is that of controlled fear, as anxious fans wait for this virus to take hold. With heavy poilce presence in the country to guard against mass hysteria and indiscriminate laughing - every eventuality has been considered by the authorities. However, as heavy as the Police numbers may be, it did not deter gangs of anxious youth from venting their frustrations. Last night at Bhati Gate, a smallish groups of large youngsters stood around street corners, some expressing their fears that they too may be infected and accused the Government of not doing enough to educate the masses. Mehrooned, a young man from Lahore was vocal in his thoughts - he claimed that he too had started to experience symptoms of this dreaded virus. This had resulted in sleepless nights and him registering no less than 20 teams in Fantasy cricket! As a result, he also found himself cheering for every unknown player from Bangladesh and Chad - personally speaking, he just wanted the pain to end and the West Indian tour to commence! He asked for his school assignments to be completed by his friends incase he didnt make it and became a total wreck.

    His views were also echoed by ex cricketers Sarfraz Nawaz and Wasim Akram who "happened" to be hovering nearby - Sarfraz said :"I totally and vehemently deny that I ever tampered with a ball or any balls and totally agree with the fact that this virus is another filthy disease from the West - brought to you by that perfectly round Western chap with our team - In my days no one had any expectations so this virus was non existent but look at the state of our nation now!!". Wasim added his voice to that of Sarfraz and claimed that he too was shocked at the rate this virus had spread in Pakistan and blamed it on the me-me culture rampant in Pakistan cricket. He claimed that not taking Shoaib was a mistake and Sushmita meant nothing to him - he further asked Inzi to get him that special cigarette from that beach in Grenada!

    Our PCB correspondent Correspondent adds:

    Experts are also concerned that this virus has already infected players and administrators themselves. It is suspected that the Head of PCB, Mr. Sheryar Khan ,may have been victim of this virus. Doctors put him on a diet of medicated Lassi and Rooh Afza after he unexpectedly blurted out inane comments such as "I have advised our batsman to play with bats and ensure that the bowlers have a ball in hand when they bowl!" [He has been advised complete bed rest until the start of the tour and given 2 high grade fly swatters as well as access to a well known Internet cricket forum to overcome this phase of the virus]. It has also become known that his second in command and chief tactician at PCB, Babu ( also the toilet cleaner at Gaddafi), is also under observation after claiming that "Pakistan needed at the least 2 batsman at the crease when batting".

    Luckily, among the players, the resistance to this virus is strong, with only Inzamam and Shoaib showing any cause for concern when both were allegedly seen holding hands and running round the park, with the well known journalist Waheed Khan in tow. Unconfirmed reports also claim that Sami, who is recovering from injuries sustained from falling off high heels, has also been seen crying aimlessly while brushing his hair back. According to medical sources, the only person who seems totally unaffected by the next tour virus seems to be the Chairman of selectors, Wasim Bari. In a press statement ( to the press) he insisted that all was under control and that the team would board the right plane but warned, that should things get out of control with the team, he would not hesitate to take harsh measures such as sending Taufeeq Umar to join the team - in Australia.

    [TheSourceNews ]

    What is TheSourceNews ?[size=-2]
    [/size][size=-1]Have you ever wondered who the "source" is in all the stories about Pakistani and Indian cricket and how some journalists in the cricketing world, have made careers out of quoting "unnamed sources" and attributing their personal views to these mysterious and unnamed "sources"? If so, you have come to the right place!!
    [/size]

    #2
    Re: Satire:Fans hit by "next tour" virus epidemic (TSN)

    Originally posted by GreenAadmi
    Prof MiggyLal was able to prove that the monkeys, when exposed to high levels of stress ( e.g. watching current ODIs between West Indian and South Africa), exhibited many symptoms of this virus such as biting innocent humans (such as Prof MiggyLal) and reading books on particle physics.

    [ Prof. MiggLal refused to comment on rumors that he now eats bananas, while hanging upside down on his washing line at home]


    This had resulted in sleepless nights and him registering no less than 20 teams in Fantasy cricket! As a result, he also found himself cheering for every unknown player from Bangladesh and Chad -

    He claimed that not taking Shoaib was a mistake and Sushmita meant nothing to him -

    Wasim Bari. In a press statement ( to the press) he insisted that all was under control and that the team would board the right plane but warned, that should things get out of control with the team, he would not hesitate to take harsh measures such as sending Taufeeq Umar to join the team
    L L

    Nice GA, as always!
    The will of Allah will not take you where the Grace of Allah will not protect you.

    Comment


      #3
      Re: Satire:Fans hit by "next tour" virus epidemic (TSN)

      *~*~* Thread-napper*~*~*
      Down loading, Please wait ,,,,,,,Your Thread is being shredded into bits !

      Comment


        #4
        Re: Satire:Fans hit by "next tour" virus epidemic (TSN)

        hahahaha just

        Comment


          #5
          Re: Satire:Fans hit by "next tour" virus epidemic (TSN)

          Comment


            #6
            Re: Satire:Fans hit by "next tour" virus epidemic (TSN)

            Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

            Comment

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