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My first urdu poem...............please let me know what u all think

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    My first urdu poem...............please let me know what u all think

    "Neend"

    Moth mujhey aati nahi.
    Keh ab raat hogai, lekin mujhey lambi neend aati nahi.
    Souraj doob gaya, lekin roshni jaati nahi.
    Chaand chup gaya, lekin chaandni jaati nahi.
    Pani khushk hogaya, lekin piyas bhoojti nahi.
    Rastay khatam hogaye, lekin manzil aati nahi.
    Keh ab meh khatam hogaya, lekin teri yaad jaati nahi.
    Keh ab moth keh baad bhi, mujhaye neend aati nahi.




    pls pls give me your honest opinion about what you think about the poem.
    thankyou
    take care
    salam
    Last edited by Renegade; May 26, 2005, 11:33 PM.
    "Life whispered in my ears ‘death approaches’, and I replied then why have you arrived first?"

    #2
    Re: My first urdu poem...............please let me know what u all think

    Theme is Good, Needs Imporvement with Qaafia Radeef

    Very Good First Try
    (\__/)
    (_)
    JabBhi Milti Hay Mujhay.......

    Comment


      #3
      Re: My first urdu poem...............please let me know what u all think

      Originally posted by Golden Scorpion
      Theme is Good, Needs Imporvement with Qaafia Radeef

      Very Good First Try
      thanx , seemed like nobody cared really appreciate it
      but if u dont mind can u tell me what is "qaafia radeef"???
      take care
      salam
      "Life whispered in my ears ‘death approaches’, and I replied then why have you arrived first?"

      Comment


        #4
        Re: My first urdu poem...............please let me know what u all think

        Very nice.. keep it up ...
        ~ ... palat k har taraf se kyon nazR us shaks per thehrii?
        wafa k silsilo`N kii wo, musalsal inteha thehra
        ...~

        Comment


          #5
          Re: Neend........meri pehli urdu poem

          Originally posted by Renegade
          "Neend"

          Moth mujhey aati nahi.

          i dun get it......what do u mean by "moth" u meant moth as masterbation?
          Patta patta boota boota haal hamaara jaane hai
          Jaane na jaane gul he na jaane, baagh to saara jaane hai

          Comment


            #6
            Re: Neend........meri pehli urdu poem

            Originally posted by FrozenFire
            i dun get it......what do u mean by "moth" u meant moth as masterbation?

            man u need to clean the perverted mind
            i meant "Moth" as in "Death"

            use some common sense it is useful.
            "Life whispered in my ears ‘death approaches’, and I replied then why have you arrived first?"

            Comment


              #7
              Re: My first urdu poem...............please let me know what u all think

              Originally posted by Renegade
              thanx , seemed like nobody cared really appreciate it
              but if u dont mind can u tell me what is "qaafia radeef"???
              take care
              salam
              Yar agar mujhay Pata hota tou maiN Shair na hota

              ThoRa buhut... I would say ke... When U Write something.. FIRST.. You should know if its NAZAM or GHAZAL... coz.. Both have Diff rules.. If U want to know that... KOYAL wrote a very good Article on it in GUPZINE.. You can check it out.

              Once you know what you are Upto.. then... You will be in better picture to restrict your self to the Rules.

              Check this out... I found something

              Ghazal (pronounced as "ghuzzle")
              Ghazal is a collection of couplets (shers or ashaar) which follow the rules of 'matla', 'maqta', 'bahar', 'qafiya' and 'radeef'. The couplets are complete in themselves and each may and usually do deal with topics/subjects completely unrelated to each other. All the couplets of a ghazal must be of the same bahar, end in the same words (radeef) and have the same rhyming pattern (qaafiyaa). Every ghazal MUST have a matla. A ghazal may or may not have a maqta but if it does, it has to be the last sher of the ghazal.



              A few points to be noted:
              1. Some ghazals do not have a radeef. They are called "Gair-muraddaf" ghazals. Even in such cases, qafiya is strictly followed. However, these are very rare.
              2. Some Ghazals have the same radeef. They are called ham-radeef Ghazals. Often a Gazal is identified by its radeef, e.g. "aahistaa aahistaa".
              3. It is possible that all the ashaar of a Ghazal are on the same theme.
              4. In modern Urdu poetry, the restriction of bahar is somewhat relaxed. But even in those poems, the qafiya and radeef tradition is followed.
              5. The presence of maqta is often not considered necessary. One reason it may have been more prevalent in earlier times could be to establish ownership, and to prevent others from taking credit for the Gazal.






              Nazm
              In a broad sense, nazm is a term used to define all kinds of Urdu poetry which do not fall into any other category. However, in a literary sense, a nazm is a well organized, logically evolving poem where each individual verse serves the need of the central concept or theme of the poem. Though a nazm is traditionally written in rhymed verse, there are many examples of nazms written in unrhymed verse, or even in free verse.
              (\__/)
              (_)
              JabBhi Milti Hay Mujhay.......

              Comment


                #8
                Re: My first urdu poem...............please let me know what u all think

                hey golden scorpion thanx a lot
                i will try to keep the rules in mind the next time

                take care
                salam
                "Life whispered in my ears ‘death approaches’, and I replied then why have you arrived first?"

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: My first urdu poem...............please let me know what u all think

                  U r Most Welcome

                  Wasalam.
                  (\__/)
                  (_)
                  JabBhi Milti Hay Mujhay.......

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: My first urdu poem...............please let me know what u all think

                    Keep it up,

                    If you write it in Urdu then you will be able to follow what GS has pointed out. But if you are using Roman Urdu then it is not easy to follow the rules of Urdu Shaerey.
                    There is always a moral in every story

                    Comment

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