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    ~*~

    Bolti Tasweeroun mai,
    Adhoori tehreeroun mai,
    Khoyi khoyi muskurahat mai,
    Us anjani si chahat mai,
    Bhegi bheegi ankhoun mai,
    Namm palkoun mai, saansoun mai.

    Khizaan ke dehekte rangoun mai,
    Hijr ke soonay lamhoun mai,
    Wafa ki ghayal rahoun mai,
    mehfiloun mai, veeranoun mai,
    Guzarte hue toofaanoun mai,
    Har cheez mai tera aqs dekhoon...
    khoyi rahoon tumharey khayaloun mai!

    -Monasha '04

    #2
    WOW........Dil sey nikli hui awaaz seedhi alfaaz mein
    ...I know that which you do not know. (Quran - 1:30)...... Which then of the bounties of your Lord will you deny?...(Quran - 55:13)...
    Shikra was here.

    Comment


      #3
      Re: ~*~

      Originally posted by monasha:
      Bolti Tasweeroun mai,
      Adhoori tehreeroun mai,
      Khoyi khoyi muskurahat mai,
      Us anjani si chahat mai,
      Bhegi bheegi ankhoun mai,
      Namm palkoun mai, saansoun mai.

      Khizaan ke dehekte rangoun mai,
      Hijr ke soonay lamhoun mai,
      Wafa ki ghayal rahoun mai,
      mehfiloun mai, veeranoun mai,
      Guzarte hue toofaanoun mai,
      Har cheez mai tera aqs dekhoon...
      khoyi rahoon tumharey khayaloun mai!

      -Monasha '04
      Monasha: it is very well depicted but kaheeN kuch kami hai... may be u need to write more, kaheeN kuch tishnagi see hai... it looks like incomplete...

      Can you try to write more on it..? ofcourse only if you think I am feeling it right...

      very nice
      Quite often good things have hurtful consequences. There are instances of men who have been ruined by their money or KILLED by their COURAGE. ~Aristotle

      Comment


        #4
        Re: ~*~

        Originally posted by monasha:
        Bolti Tasweeroun mai,
        Adhoori tehreeroun mai,
        Khoyi khoyi muskurahat mai,
        Us anjani si chahat mai,
        Bhegi bheegi ankhoun mai,
        Namm palkoun mai, saansoun mai.

        Khizaan ke dehekte rangoun mai,
        Hijr ke soonay lamhoun mai,
        Wafa ki ghayal rahoun mai,
        mehfiloun mai, veeranoun mai,
        Guzarte hue toofaanoun mai,
        Har cheez mai tera aqs dekhoon...
        khoyi rahoon tumharey khayaloun mai!

        -Monasha '04
        Good effort. The missing thing as Anwaar has pointed out is that you have used so many metaphors and jumped up the conclusion. Poetic justice demands that your conclusion is spread over in length atleast half of the metaphors. It surely is a well attempted work of art. The flow keeps coming when you keep on writing.
        Mere junoon ka na lo imtihaan,
        Jaanan

        Comment


          #5
          niceeeee

          Comment


            #6

            Comment


              #7
              nice1

              Comment


                #8
                Capri & anwaar bhai: yes it does sound incomplete coz basically this was my very first attempt at Urdu poetry.

                I'll definately hav a go at it again..why dont u guys help me out a bit here

                Thanx everyone

                Comment


                  #9
                  humm
                  Meray Roz O Shab k Nisaab Main Meray Paas Apna To Kuch Nahi

                  Comment


                    #10
                    hmm
                    **Life is just LikE Diing Doong**
                    *********TeRe__BiN********

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by HAMMAD:
                      hmm
                      Sudhar jao Mian. Yeh Poultry....aww Poetry forum hai yahan sone ke naheen ho rahee
                      Mere junoon ka na lo imtihaan,
                      Jaanan

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by monasha:
                        Capri & anwaar bhai: yes it does sound incomplete coz basically this was my very first attempt at Urdu poetry.

                        I'll definately hav a go at it again..why dont u guys help me out a bit here

                        Thanx everyone
                        No one can guide you to be a Poetess. Its you alone who can help out yourself. Is qaafiye radeef ke chakkar mein na parna....bas likhtee jaein jo dil kahe :-)
                        Mere junoon ka na lo imtihaan,
                        Jaanan

                        Comment


                          #13
                          nice....

                          Comment


                            #14
                            wah jii loagoan mey thora thora sa chuppa huwa sa...aik khubsooraat sa talent ubher raha hey

                            monaaaaaa oyey yeh tum ho?:-)
                            zabardast yar!
                            wants to become a clairvoyant!!!!!

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: ~*~

                              Originally posted by monasha:
                              Bolti Tasweeroun mai,
                              Adhoori tehreeroun mai,
                              Khoyi khoyi muskurahat mai,
                              Us anjani si chahat mai,
                              Bhegi bheegi ankhoun mai,
                              Namm palkoun mai, saansoun mai.

                              Khizaan ke dehekte rangoun mai,
                              Hijr ke soonay lamhoun mai,
                              Wafa ki ghayal rahoun mai,
                              mehfiloun mai, veeranoun mai,
                              Guzarte hue toofaanoun mai,
                              Har cheez mai tera aqs dekhoon...
                              khoyi rahoon tumharey khayaloun mai!

                              -Monasha '04
                              First you made so romantic envirnment, sketching all scenery, and mentioning ...

                              beautiful sketch Moon
                              Gari aur bivi aisi honi chahyay kay banda saath khara ho to apni lagay

                              Ya Allah Bhagwaan ko bhi Muslim bana day ...

                              Comment

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