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Is it fair???

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    Is it fair???

    After recently reading post about desi gift theory, I remembered an old sore spot that I have had for almost three years now. So here is what happened...About three years ago, one of my brothers' birthday was coming up. I wanted to buy him one of his favorite perfumes. So I saved up some money from my extravagant student budget and bought him a really expensive perfume. I was so happy when I gave him the gift because I knew he will enjoy using it. Two months later, I accidently found out that my brother's wife used that gift and gave it to one of her family members. I was shattered. My brother of course couldn't understand why I was so upset as he saw this as a perfectly o.k. thing to do. Now tell me, was it o.k. for them to do this as the gift was my brother's and he could technically do whatever he wanted to do with it (his excuse)? Any thoughts?
    :still-hurt-in-USA:
    Life is only a dream.

    #2
    I know what you are saying coz I went through same experience when I bought a perfume for my dad and he used it for a while and then gave it to my brother. He is my real brother and I have bought gifts for him as well but I really felt hurt.

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      #3
      I accidently found out that my brother's wife used that gift and gave it to one of her family members.

      Obiviously, your gift meant nothing to him. Next time give him something he really likes or better still don't give him anything. Some people really don't care whether somebody gives them a gift or not.

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        #4
        aaouch..i can understand it all..maybe your brother merely took it as a gift but for you it was the feelings..and how you the saved money..if i would be you i would have felt the same..people that i give gifts to, i know them very well..so i give them gifts that are unique and according to their personality..so i have never seen anyone giving away my gifts..but yeah i have seen people passing away the gifts..i still remember that two years ago some aunt gave my family a gift and when we opened it up..we saw a card from someone who gave that gift to that aunt..

        I hope the next time you give your brother a gift you'll think about it twice..and will buy something that he would need.

        Comment


          #5
          Dopey, I certainly understand why you felt the way you did (and still do) The answer to your question is: No, it isn't fair. But then many things in life aren't!

          I am trying to come up with a logical answer but can't come up with one. I mean: you can't change other people's attitude, but you can certainly control/determine the way you react. Ppl often make mistakes and don't even realise it. Try to forgive and forget

          Comment


            #6
            It's ok..you gave the gift to ur bro..
            now its his..he can do anything he wants yea?
            i wouldnt mind if it happened to me..



            ------------------
            All is the Beloved and the lover is a veil
            The Beloved is alive and the lover is dead (RUMI)

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              #7
              I know how that feels.

              I often gave my ammi gifts that were, to her tastes, extravagant. I had graduated and was earning more money than I needed and felt like treating her and other family members, lavishly. I wanted to give her what I could....the things that she had forgone in her life so that mine could be good.

              So off I would go and spend large amounts of money on things like clothing, cologne and other luxury items...even pieces of furniture that she had expressed interest in at some point or other.

              My beef you ask? Well, she would never use the stuff I bought for her.....she would put it away. It would remain stored because it was "too good to use" until I would get fed up and decide that she was going to use. I would hunt for the item, thinking this is a good opportunity to make her use it and lo and behold it would be missing. When questioned, she would reply, "I gave that to so and so on their birthday or when I went to visit them."

              I cannot tell you how much this would burn me up. I would rant and rave. I did this for several years and made a big fuss about it until she finally just started storing the stuff. She didn't use it and she didn't give it away.

              Now she is confined to her bed in the hospital, unable to even roll over or reach for a glass of water....and when I go into her room at home and see those items that I gave her still in her cupboards I wonder how much pleasure she could have derived from giving them away.......

              Comment


                #8
                Dopey: Re-gifting is quite common in the subcontinent. Don't take it too seriously. Now you know.....next time get him a card.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Dopey quote: So I saved up some money from my extravagant student budget and bought him a really expensive perfume. I was so happy when I gave him the gift because I knew he will enjoy using it. Two months later, I accidently found out that my brother's wife used that gift and gave it to one of her family members. I was shattered.

                  Aye karamba!! Simply put, it was mean, rude and selfish

                  It reminds me of this really nice purse sent to me by my sister-in-law from Pakistan. Now this bag is just not me. Eventho it's very nice, it's realllly big for me, so I have it saved up in my suitcase. I feel truly bad for I know it's just sitting thr wasting away, yet I don't have t/ heart to give it to sum1 else. Cuz I do know she has sent it to me after a lot of searching w/ her "mehnat" and "khaloos", hopefully sumday, my kids may use it.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Dopey

                    In your case you bought him something with sincerity, and probably he was not going to use it because of a change in preferences. This does not mean he thinks any less of your sincerity. If he was not going to use it, he can either give it away or throw it away. So he made the right choice and at least did not trash it.

                    In other cases you can give something with utmost sincerity but the receiver does not care two bits about the giverís sincerity and sentiments and recycles it.

                    Sometimes the giver is just giving a gift due to formalities, and not much thought went into the gift. Its one of those, I must buy a gift but I donít want to really spend money, or worse.. I donít have time to think what this person would appreciate so let me just get something general which anyone can use..a picture frame, a vase or something.

                    People say its not the gift, but the thought that counts. Not in all cases..but in some, you may wonder what kinda thought went behind this gift

                    This formal gift exchange is an undue burden on people, people donít feel a desire to give but a pressure to give and thus just pick something random up which explains the amount of unused crap in the desi gift vicious circle. I would much rather not have people feel that they are expected to give a gift and thus others have to reciprocate and feel that they must give something as well.
                    The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. And like that... he is gone.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Thank you all for your comments...I feel somewhat better. Next year, he is getting a tooth brush.
                      Life is only a dream.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        [email protected] the toothbrush idea

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Originally posted by Dopey:
                          Thank you all for your comments...I feel somewhat better. Next year, he is getting a tooth brush.
                          new or used?
                          The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. And like that... he is gone.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Dopey ~ sorry for what your brother did with your gift. He did not consider the reprecussions of his actions and your feelings.


                            I guess it's not so much the fact that he gave the gift away that hurt but the issue of him not thinking of it as a big deal. I mean, common yaar, that was a bit heartless. A sister is a lifetime guest in your house but forever in your heart and even the most common Pakistani knows... you should never offend a guest.

                            I hope that he uses that toothbrush to clean his brain and use more common sense along with some consideration.

                            But I'm sure you love him nonetheless. As we all should.



                            ------------------
                            Share your experiences - they cost you nothing but will make us all richer.

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                              #15
                              [email protected] brush
                              [email protected] new and used one too

                              My Gosh and your bhabi gave it to someone else. I hear you, I have seen my aunties exchanging presents and i am standing in front of them going'what the heck and what do you 2 think you are doing' then i hear this answer in punjabi 'tuse amreka to aye ho ten ke pata ase ke karne peya chal wadeya de gala wich nahee bolna chaheda' . Then i just leave from there saying' ap ka koi bharosa nahe'
                              Life became all Gray! But NOW i have decided to paint it all over again.

                              I Tawt I Taw A Puddy Tat

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